Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Just like the Turing test, where judges try to determine whether they are chatting with the human or computer, the Blackbeard test challenges judges to determine whether they are chatting with a human or a pirate.
Scientists stuffed George into a box, and he passed notes through a slot.
George did his best to be convincing, but at the end of the experiment, the judges thought that the box with the computer in it was a real pirate.
The captain hired the computer and left George in the box.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Whenever he was in Orlando, Florida, he would take a trip to Disney World and get hired as a cast member.
“The robot pirates break down a lot, so we put rubber masks on humans who pretend to be robots.”
The rubber masks were hot, and after six hours, George began to hallucinate.
He sang and waved his sword and then dropped his pants and took a dump in the ride’s waterway.
The video went viral on YouTube, and George went back to being a not very good pirate.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He has a habit of buying all kinds of electronic devices.
The ones you see advertised on late-night cable television, or the backs of magazines.
They were cheap, flimsy, and broke easily.
George put the broken devices in a box, and he would wind the chords and tie them with rubber bands.
Not that he ever bothered to get them repaired.
Or remember which cord went which device.
He just bought another cheap and flimsy device to replace it.
Which would break, and he’d toss it in the box.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was pretty handy at repairs, though, considering all the experience he had with shipwrecks and battle damage.
George would go around the ship, fixing beams and boards, hammering nails, and plugging leaks.
Then he’d sew up the holes in the sails, and replace any frayed ropes in the rigging.
When George was done, he’d go back into the diving bell and call the captain to be raised to the surface.
“Okay, everything’s fixed,” said George. “Now how are we going to bring it back up to the surface?”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When he wasn’t being a pirate, he volunteered as a lifeguard at the local beach.
“I know there’s no pay, but if I rescue someone, can I ransom them for a reward?” asked George.
“Sure, whatever,” said the county commissioner. “As long as they don’t drown.”
George racked up an impressive safety record at the beach.
There were some complaints about the whole ransom thing.
“All I did was threaten cut off a finger or two,” said George. “And maybe cut off part of an ear. But nobody drowned.”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Once, he came across a yacht full of adult film stars, laying around naked in sleazy poses, and a photographer was snapping photos.
George demanded all of their gold, jewelry and money.
“Oh, this jewelry’s fake,” said the photographer. “But that’s a nice ship you’ve got there. Maybe the girls could dress up as pirates for a photoshoot?”
George agreed, and they included him in some of the photos.
Pretty soon, George’s ship became a party hotspot.
Most importantly, the models and porn stars brought real jewelry to steal.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Most pirates would select another pirate to act as a wife.
Becuase, you know, being out at sea for long periods of time and all.
George didn’t have a pirate wife, but it wasn’t because he was a homophobe or anything.
He was too busy planning weddings for all the other pirates.
He got himself ordained as a minister and set up a catering service.
Things went well for a while, until the pirate divorces started.
George shouldn’t have included a lifetime warranty and money back guarantee, I guess.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
So, of course, he ended up as the ship’s trainer.
George trained all of the new recruits on safety and basic tasks, like how to make their bunk.
“You’re doing a lousy job, George,” said the captain.
“But I’ve trained a hundred men!” said George.
“Only because most of them died in their unmade bunks,” said the captain. “We keep having to recruit more.”
The captain ordered another pirate to train George.
The trainer died in his unmade bunk.
“Oh, just swab the fucking deck, George,” growled the captain.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Because he was fairly useless in raids and battles, he found himself serving the crew in other capacities.
Mostly, he served as a translator for the crew so their enemies or hostages had an accurate version of what they were saying.
“Guts for garters? said George. “The captain’s kinda angry.”
George drew diagrams for things like Davy Jones’s Locker, and he’d worked up a functional shoebox diorama that demonstrated keelhauling.
George pulled the string to drag a doll across the ship’s hull.
“Brilliant,” said the hostages. “That explains everything.”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
After a very bad month of piracy, George had a nervous breakdown and ended up in the hospital for broken pirates.
He attended pirate group therapy, did pirate yoga, and made pirate maps with fingerpaint and crayons.
The nurses, doctors, and therapists worked with George, and he was eventually deemed fit for duty again.
“Welcome back, George,” said the captain.
“It’s good to be back,” said George.
George put on his hat, strapped on his sword belt, picked up a map, and swabbed the deck. “Good to be back.”