Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Every night, George prayed to Saint Nicholas, patron saint of sailors, to make him a better pirate.
And every morning, George woke to the painful truth that he still wasn’t a very good pirate.
When the ship sailed into Neva Bay, George traveled to The Cathedral of Saint Nicholas in Saint Petersburg.
“Nicholas is the patron saint of sailors and reformed thieves,” said the bishop. “Not unrepentant pirates still committing piracy.”
George bonked him on the head and took the collection box.
“I’ll reform and repent later,” said George.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was sloppy and forgetful.
He even let his membership in the Pirate Union expire.
“I thought the ship handled that stuff for employees,” said George.
“No,” said the captain. “You’re more like an independent contractor, You know, like cab drivers.”
George had to retake all of the piracy exams, and he did poorly.
Until he passed the exams, he could only call himself a brigand, buccaneer, or sailor.
Eventually, George got fed up, and held the examiners for ransom.
“Pass,” they said, and George was a pirate again.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He liked to talk to trees, butterflies, and birds.
There usually weren’t all that many trees and butterflies on the ocean, but one of his shipmates had a parrot companion.
George would talk to the parrot as if it were a person, and they’d have long conversations.
When the owner of the parrot would try to walk away, George growled “Don’t interrupt our conversation!”
The parrot’s owner tried to give the parrot to George as a gift, but George refused.
“Why would I want all that hassle?” said George.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His swashbuckling skills were legendarily bad, having once lost to a baby in a stroller shaking its rattle.
Once, he slashed at a sailor and barely nicked his shirt, managing to catch a single atom of the fabric.
Splitting the atom in half, the resulting explosion annihilated George, his opponent, the ship they were on, and the port they were docked at.
The shockwave leveled everything within a mile, and a wall of fire incinerated the ruins.
A mushroom cloud billowed from the site, rising into the grim sky.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He spent a lot of time getting drunk in taverns.
One night, he overheard sailors talking about a gold shipment.
George raced back to his ship to tell his crewmates.
Later that night, George overheard them saying how much of a stupid fool George was.
Dejected, George went back to the tavern.
The next day, the pirates attacked the cargo ship with the gold.
But it was a trap. Several Navy frigates ambushed the pirates.
George was at the tavern, buying drinks for the sailors with the reward money.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He started carrying around a teacup Chihuahua in a tiny orange vest.
“It’s my emotional support animal,” said George, pulling out a doctor’s note.
“Fine,” said the captain. “Just make sure the dog doesn’t get scurvy.”
Other pirates brought aboard their emotional support animals.
Dogs, pigs, cats, chickens… you name it, they brought them.
Things got out of hand quickly, with dogs chasing cats, a boa constrictor eating all the pet rats, and nightly cockfights.
The captain banned all the animals, but only after winning a few cockfight bets.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The captain always held an end-of-the-year party for the crew.
George didn’t like crowds, so he volunteered to the skeleton crew that would watch the ship while the rest of the crew went to the party.
The captain would leave a list of chores for the skeleton crew to do.
Scrape barnacles. Swab the deck. Clean out the cannon.
George crumbled up the list, threw it over the rail, and climbed up to the crow’s nest.
He watched the sunset over the harbor and enjoyed the peace and quiet.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He managed to get taken captive by The Dread Pirate Roberts.
“My real name’s Westley, and I’m in a bit rushed,” said Roberts. “I need to get back to Florin to rescue my true love from kidnappers. Mind taking over things for a while?”
George agreed, and Westley trained him as quickly he could.
“Good luck,” said Westley, handing off the mask, and rowing away in a lifeboat.
George waved, put on the mask, and took command of the ship.
Which smashed into The Cliffs of Insanity and sank.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The captain ordered him to clean his fishtank.
George enjoyed his new responsibility, and he decorated it with all kinds of pretty rocks and fish.
As George learned more, he constructed bigger, more complex fishtanks.
At one point, most of the ship’s hold was taken up by George’s fishtank.
“ENOUGH!” shouted the captain. “It’s beautiful, but we need room to store provisions, cannonballs, and powder kegs!”
The next morning, the fishtank was gone.
The captain smiled, until he realized that the ship was stuck inside an even bigger fishtank.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was always writing things down, but he never bothered to read any of his notes.
So, he ended up writing even more things down.
Which he also never read.
Pretty soon, George was up to his neck in notes.
“Stop writing so many notes,” George wrote on a note, and he added it to the pile.
Pretty soon, the entire ship was full of tons of useless notes. So full, it capsized and sank.
George went down with the ship, having failed to read his “Replace lifeboat” note.