Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Maybe it was because he wasn’t assertive enough.
Barnacle Billy kept taking George’s left shoe and wearing it.
He didn’t take the right one because he had a peg leg.
“Give me back my shoe,” said George.
“No,” said Barnacle Billy.
George went into fights wearing only one shoe.
Until one day, Billy got his other leg blown off and replaced by a peg leg.
He still kept stealing George’s shoe.
“Okay, I admit it. I like sniffing shoes.”
George asked the captain to transfer Billy to another ship.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His hat was constantly blowing off of his head.
Other pirates never seemed to lose their hats in the wind. Some had the same style of hat, but theirs never blew off.
Old Rusty told George that he should try a bandana.
“Just tie it tight at the corners and it’ll stay put,” he said.
“Thanks,” said George.
George put his hat away and switched to a bandana. And it didn’t fly off.
Old Rusty started wearing George’s hat.
And it never blew off his head.
George quietly seethed.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He thought about all the good pirates out there, and realized that they all had beards.
Blackbeard, Redbeard, Yellowbeard… even the Barbarosa Sisters had beards.
George tried to grow a beard, but he just couldn’t manage a single hair.
He quietly went to a fake beard store.
They were so expensive… all George could afford was a leftover green St. Patrick’s Day novelty beard.
He tried to dye it black, but it came out all crazy.
“Hail, Crazybeard!” said the captain, laughing.
George sighed and threw the beard overboard.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He never had much time to practice his swashbuckling and looting skills because of his piano lessons.
All day long, his tutor worked him through scales and chords.
George fumbled through these progressions for weeks.
“Again!” growled the tutor.
Chastened, George would start over again.
Eventually, George got better, until his instructor said “Well done.”
George thanked his instructor, and then groaned as he carried his piano back to the ship.
“I really should have taken accordion lessons,” said George, as he put a heating pad on his back.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He never had much time to practice his swashbuckling and looting skills because of his piano lessons.
All day long, his tutor worked him through scales and chords.
George fumbled through these progressions for weeks.
“Again!” growled the tutor.
Chastened, George would start over again.
Eventually, George got better, until his instructor said “Well done.”
George thanked his instructor, and then groaned as he carried his piano back to the ship.
“I really should have taken accordion lessons,” said George, as he put a heating pad on his back.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He tried to learn how to navigate by the stars, but he was more interested lying on his back on the deck at night and just looking at them.
Out on the sea, without any light pollution from human civilization, the night sky was absolutely stunning.
So was the collision when the ship hit some rocks that George was supposed to avoid.
George made it to the rowboat, while the rest of the crew sank with the ship.
George lay back in the rowboat and stared at the stars.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
All the other pirates picked on him and made fun of him.
George felt sad all of the time.
Then, all of the crew came down with the flu.
Except for George.
They were completely helpless and at George’s mercy.
George cooked chicken soup, and prepared medicine, and took care of everyone.
He nursed everyone back to health.
Well, most of them. The ones who didn’t make it, he gave a decent burial at sea.
The crew thanked George.
And then went back to picking on him.
What bastards!

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The dentist examined George’s teeth and said “No cavities. Again.”
“That’s good, right?” said George.
“No, that’s bad,” said the dentist. “You’re a pirate. You’re supposed to have lousy teeth. And not many of them.”
George sighed, picked out a lollipop, and slunk all the way back to his ship.
He looked at his toothbrush, toothpaste, dental floss, waterpick, and tongue scraper for a long time, and then…
He brushed his teeth, flossed, picked the remaining debris with a medical wash, and ran the tongue scraper on his tongue.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was a lily-livered, chicken-hearted coward of a pirate.
The ship’s doctor confirmed this.
“Based on my vast medical and surgical experience with you, George, I can confirm that your liver is almost completely made from lilies, and your heart is identical to that of a chicken.”
“What can you do for me, Doctor?” said George.
“I recommend that you cringe, cower, and flee at the first sign of a fight.”
“But I already do that,” said George.
“Good,” said the doctor. “Here, have a lollipop.”
It was butterscotch.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He got scared easily. Loud noises, the dark… you name it, George was afraid of it.
He slept with a teddy bear, and he carried his security blanket around.
“You look silly,” said the captain. “Put that blanket away.”
In time, George overcame his fears. And he didn’t need his security blanket or teddy bear anymore.
The captain was relieved. One less thing to worry about.
And as he went to bed, wrapped in George’s security blanket, he told Teddy “Good night” and he blew out his lantern’s candle.