Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Instead of searching for buried treasure, he downloaded the Amazon app on his phone and chased the Amazon Treasure Truck around the country.
He caught up to it outside of Birmingham, Alabama.
“Stand and deliver!” shouted George.
A company representative got out of the truck and asked George if he wanted standard delivery or if he was an Amazon Prime member.
“I’m a damn pirate,” growled George. “Give me everything.”
George ended up with 1,000 fidget spinners.
He tossed them in a dumpster and went back to his ship.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
After Bing Crosby and Bob Hope made The Road To Hong Kong, their writers put together a script for The Road To The High Seas.
The studio hired George as a consultant.
“For my vast experience in sea warfare and buccaneering?” asked George.
“No, for your clumsy bumbling antics,” said the studio. “This is a comedy, not a drama.”
Bing was nice, but was consistently drunk.
Bob couldn’t function without a dozen cue cards in every direction.
George gave up, and the picture sank like many of George’s ships.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When it was his turn to man the galley, he insisted on making hand-tossed pizzas.
The problem was, when he tossed the pizza in the air, it would hit the ceiling and stick.
“Why don’t you roll out the dough?” asked the captain.
“Roll the dough?” said George. “This is the authentic way of making it!”
So, the captain let George toss the pizzas while out on the main deck.
The wind caught the dough and blew it overboard.
The hungry crew tossed George over the rail after it.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Still, he did his best, and sometimes, well, he’d manage to win a fight.
The only thing more shocking was his ransom demand: all the officers’ powdered wigs.
He’d bring the wigs to the hospital and hand them out to patients who needed them.
Well, not all of the wigs.
Some had powder burns. And bloodstains. Ew.
George had lots of leftover pirate bandanas, though
And the kids looked cool in them.
The adults, well, maybe cooler than that guitarist, Steven Van Zandt.
Because, seriously, that dude looks creepy.

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George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
This was because he took the advice of his imaginary friend Ralph.
Unlike George, Ralph was a brave and bold pirate.
He was a great swashbuckler, an amazing sailor, a crack shot with a cannon, and was a killer with the ladies.
He tried to teach everything he knew to George, but because he was a figment of George’s imagination, he gave bad advice to George.
Also, he only spoke French, which George didn’t speak.
George mumbled in French in his sleep. His bunkmates covered his face with a pillow.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He had a thing for gadgets, though.
He liked to rig up automation for various things on the ship, like putting the ship’s lights on a timer, or raising and lowering the flag with The Clapper.
The Captain was impressed, but concerned.
“I have enough problems with my iPhone mistaking commands,” he said. “But I draw the line at saying ‘Alexa, Fire Cannon’ because what if it can’t-.”
That’s when the cannon fired at the port they were docked at.
“Sorry, Captain, I forgot to turn on test mode.”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
You know how scholar Malcolm Gladwell says that if you do something for ten thousand hours, you’ll get good at it?
It has something to do with practice and focus and expertise. Look it up.
Well, George has been a pirate for at least that long, and he’s still not a very good pirate.
In fact, I bet that Malcolm Gladwell is a better pirate than George.
If you see Malcolm Gladwell dressed as a pirate, looting and pillaging, run.
But if you see George, you can relax, okay?

George was a pirate.
What? Were you expecting me to say something else?
I used to say “but he wasn’t a very good pirate.”
However, George said that it hurt his feelings. And his therapist told him to confront people that hurt his feelings.
So I’m not supposed to say that George wasn’t a very good pirate anymore.
It doesn’t matter that when he chortles, he breaks into coughing fits. Were that he tends to leave his swash unbuckled.
At some point, George will probably expect some kind of piracy participation metal.
I really hate this stupid liberal millennial bullshit.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Where other pirates were content to drink grog and rum until they passed out, George would sip his imported beers and keep track of them in his beer diary.
Every time the captain set course to a new port to raid and plunder, the crew would get excited at the prospect of loot and treasure, while George would research the local microbrews.
“I hear they make a good pale ale there,” George would say.
“Not any more,” said the captain, pointing to the port’s tavern, which was on fire.

Wilhelmina the barmaid didn’t care. She loved George.
Every time George came to the tavern, Wilhelmina loved to bring him tankard after tankard and listen to his stories.
She was completely smitten.
George, on the other hand, was totally oblivious to Wilhelmina’s adulation.
He was also oblivious to his own tolerance for alcohol, and right in the middle of a story, his eyes would cross and he’d pass out.
His shipmates would carry him back to the ship, and Wilhelmina would wait until the next time George came around.