Category: My stories

If you keep a device constantly charging, or top it off every night, the battery has a chemical memory to it and will hold less of a charge.
So it’s important to regularly deplete the battery, and then charge it up.
Thankfully, batteries don’t remember when you swear at them when you need a device the most.
If your phone has a healthy battery, the people who find your body at the bottom of the canyon can charge up to call your next of kin.
Who can sell your phone for more recycling value, knowing that the battery is healthy.

Once upon a time, our people built great space ships.
The space ships, they flew so fast. Faster that light.
And we flew between the stars.
So many worlds out there.
But never any civilizations like ours.
Just plants. And some animals.
Nothing intelligent, though.
Just us, in all the universe.
We’re the first. We grew up before anyone else.
So, we spread out to every star.
And we watch and wait.
When a species evolves and grows, it develops tools, language, and…
That’s when we destroy it.
Because existence belongs to us and us alone.
As God made us.

My friend just got a 10 dollar an hour raise as a contractor.
I remember when I was making less than 10 dollars an hour working in a fast food chicken shack.
Heck, I was making eight bucks an hour doing tech support for a cheap webhosting company.
It started as a dialup internet company, and the dialup people treated us like trash.
Until webhosting took off and dialup went away.
These days, anything beyond my basic expenses goes into the 401k, and anything above that goes into investments.
And, no, I don’t eat fast food chicken. Or use dialup.

Every chick I ever fucked became a lesbian.
My first girlfriend, my second girlfriend.
The chick I cheated on her with (the second girlfriend).
All of them became lesbians.
I keep a notebook with all of this.
And every one of them… lesbians.
And, no, they weren’t lesbians before I fucked them.
They were all straight.
But after me, not another guy.
Lesbian all the way.
No, I don’t know why.
My doctor says I’m crazy.
So, I fucked her.
And she became a lesbian.
Her husband wasn’t happy.
About me fucking her.
And turning her into a lesbian, too.

They say that hell half no fury like a woman scorned but now that I’m in hell, I beg to differ. I did a lot lot of scorning, believe you and me. I’ve spent lots of nights sleeping in my car or on the sofa, but they weren’t on fire or covered with sharp spikes. Very sharp spikes. Then there’s all the whipping. And not the good kind that comes from a lady in leather and stilettos. And it really, really smells bad. Did I mention the fire? Everything is on fire. I think even the fire is on fire.

I used to think that the test for being rich would be to be able to go to a website and with only a few clicks have a real live giraffe delivered to your house the next day. A real Live giraffe. But the truth is, giraffes need a safe place to wander around, food, veterinary care. You know, the same as any animal you adopt. Besides, going to a website and clicking things just to get a giraffe delivered. The next day seems rather silly, if you’re rich, that’s the kind of thing you delegate to your butler. Right?

Sometimes I think I should’ve gotten a house closer to the water. And then I see the Pest Control and animal trapper trucks on the street. I asked them what they’ve caught and they’ll say snakes, raccoons and sometimes a baby alligator. I’ve already seen a spider or two in the past two years and one baby snake in the garage so I do the math and try to figure out how much more of that would be showing up uninvited. Then I shru,g put on my shoes, and walk the 10 minutes it takes to get to the pond..

You can bet on anything now.
Celebrity surgeries are all the rage on the betting desks.
Live, die, or complications.
I look up the patient history.
Then I look up the sheet on the surgeon, the nurses, and the anesthesiologist.
I check the odds and this one looks good. I lock in my bet.
It’s not like a surgeon is going to blow an easy layup.
But a nurse? Those can be bought.
And orderlies are a dime a dozen.
Sure enough, there’s complications. A post-op infection.
I cash it in, and split the winnings with the night nurse.

Usually after his morning walk, John would do his morning business in the toilet and jump in the shower.
However, today he was a bit backed up.
So, he went ahead with his shower anyway.
Sure enough, nature called, and he was out of the shower and on the toilet.
He nearly slid off.
A few minutes later, he was back in the shower again.
And nature called again.
Back to the toilet, this time a bit more careful on the landing, and after a minute, back to the shower.
He was almost done when the hot water ran out.

The meeting went long, so when the meeting was over, I hopped in my time machine to go back and catch the beginning of the other meeting that had already started.
But I had forgotten to bring my laptop, so I had to stand there and watch the other me at my laptop until he got up and jumped into my time machine.
Then I picked up my laptop and jumped into my time machine and went back.
But the two laptops had an IP address conflict, and we were both disconnected.
Shit.
My other me didn’t go back.
Awkward.