Category: My stories

The brochure called it a retirement community, but it was really a rundown hotel, where people waited to die. Sure there was a cafeteria in the lobby, but the food there rivaled the swill dished out in prison. They used to leave the rooms unfurnished, so the residents could bring in the trappings of home in a long lifetime of memories, but far too many former customers left their possessions for the staff to dump at Goodwill. Eventually, they just left everything there and said it was furnished. Including framed photos and clothes in the dressers and their nasty toothbrushes.

They say that those who can’t do teach. So when I got a copy of Mavis Beacon teaches typing, I wrote her a letter saying that I was her number one biggest fan. And sure enough I got back the most jumbled mess of a type written letter I’d ever seen. This was serial killer level of creepy. Letter to the editor from a dementia written, crank, quality of spelling and grammar with over typed mistakes and typing errors and infinite number of monkeys couldn’t accomplish. But, man, she was one hell of a teacher as I type this now.

The first time Joey saw a salad bar, he was overwhelmed by all of the things laid out and arranged at the table. He loaded up his plate with croutons and a small pudding dish of ranch dressing. From that day on, all he would ever get from salad bars were the croutons and ranch dressing. His mother would scold him, set the plate aside, and make another plate for him. Keep with a variety of vegetables. But Joey would just sit there and stare at it until it was time to leave. And he would dream of his croutons.

The Guinness Book of World Records does not recognize the tallest column of Kraft Parmesan cheese canisters stacked, but if it did, it still wouldn’t recognize Maurice Flambo of Antwerp. At a public exhibition, he stacked 174 of the green canisters. He used a fire truck ladder to achieve the great height. The column stood for five minutes before a gust of wind brought it down. And then the uproarious applause died down and was replaced with shots of anger when it was discovered that the ends of the cylinders were coated with adhesive. Maurice never attempted the stunt ever again.

Sigrid was a pretty good troll hunter. He wasn’t the best, but when John the Bold wasn’t available, or the patron was on a limited budget, Sigrid was a reasonable choice. Sometimes his work took a little longer, and there would be collateral damage, but Sigrid got the job done. His online reviews weren’t as positive as John’s but when Sigrid hunted a troll that troll stayed hunted. John kept a dungeon full of trolls, and if he got a bad review, he would threaten to let those trolls loose again. Sigrid had more honor than to violate a contract.

Unlike other demons who required fancy rituals, sacrifices, and strange geometric patterns drawn on the floor, Agarro Darkshade had an ad in the yellow pages. Forgoing the traditional fireball, he preferred to knock on the front door. He also didn’t require souls or other rare artifacts for payment, he just traded in cash. No checks or credit cards, he wasn’t set up for that. He also didn’t practice dark magic. There was enough of that going about. Most of the time he’d snap his fingers to clean a house, fix a clanky air-conditioning system, or get a car running again.

Hampton Maddox drew the short straw and earned the role of getaway driver for the heist. The thing is, he didn’t know whether he should wear a mask or not. I mean, sitting there in a car in a mask is kind of suspicious, but if there are cameras on the street, they’ll clearly identify him. So he split the difference and put on nose glasses with a Groucho mustache. A cigar completed the ensemble. However, when the gang ran out of the bank, he forgot how to unlock the doors. He rolled down the windows though. That’s sorta worked.

Sixgun McGinty had an itchy trigger finger. Thankfully itchy trigger fingers are covered by the gunslinger union medical plan. Doc Walker gave him some pills and a cream and advised him to wear thin gloves for a few weeks. His condition significantly improved and instead of prematurely blowing away deputies and sheriffs and Marshalls, he shot them at a more reasonable and decent pace. Not that the law men ever felt like that. They felt like they were shot and bleeding out, which they did. McGinty then complained of a sore throat, but they still put a rope around it.

Frederick maintained the boiling oil over the entryway at the Duke’s castle. But he used the finest cooking oil of the kingdom, and he had a side business of making skewers of tempura, vegetables and chicken. It was quite the lucrative venture. On Thanksgiving, he would deep fry turkeys. The Duke really enjoyed deep fried turkey, and he gave Frederick a promotion. Frederick‘s assistant, then took over the oil duties, but the next Thanksgiving he forgot to thaw the turkey and when they were dropped in to the cauldron, the ice flashed to steam and scalded everyone in the tower.

When it came to jobs at the castle, a lot of the guards were jealous of Frederick. He was in charge of the night shift for the boiling oil that they could pour over enemy soldiers coming through the main entrance. with the castle being in northern Denmark, and it’s cold climate, Frederick was warm in winter while the archers on the parapets had to wrap themselves in multiple elk skins. Then the Duke remodeled the entrance to use interchangeable archers to fire through murder holes. Frederick was not so good with a bow and arrow, and he was downsized.