Every time I hear someone say “You’ll be hearing from my lawyers!” I never hear from their lawyers.
People tend to just say that when they’re frustrated and know they’re wrong, but just want to intimidate you.
Lawyers never actually show up and do things.
Except this one time.
It was Christmas Eve, and there was a knock on the door.
Foolishly, I opened it.
And there were the lawyers.
They sang some wonderful Christmas carols at me.
Now, when people say I’ll be hearing from their lawyers! I say “I look forward to it.”
And make the figgy pudding.
Category: My stories
Come to Jesus
I remember one manager who kept saying that we needed to have a “Come To Jesus” moment.
Never mind that I was Jewish.
So, I came to Jesus.
“Hi,” said Jesus.
“HI,” I said. “What’s up?”
“Not much,” said Jesus. “How are you?”
“I’m okay,” I said. “But my boss is an asshole.”
“Try working for your father,” said Jesus.
So, I went back to my boss, quit my job, and went to work for my father’s company.
It totally sucked. And I quit that job too.
I went back to Jesus.
“I’m not very good with sarcasm,” said Jesus.
Chaplin’s Glue
Charlie Chaplin’s mustache was a fake.
He glued it on every morning.
And that glue had a unique smell. A very bad smell.
Everyone on the set of The Kid could smell it, but nobody said anything about it.
Except one.
“Ew, that stinks!” said Jackie Coogan.
Chaplin laughed. “Yes, I know it, it’s right under my nose.”
Years later, a much older Jackie Coogan played Uncle Fester in The Addams Family series.
Wardrobe offered him a white wig to wear.
“We need to glue it on…”
Remembering the stench of Charlie’s glue, Jackie shaved his head and went bald.
When life hands you… potatoes?
When life hands you lemons…
Well, life didn’t hand me lemons.
Life handed me potatoes.
Am I supposed to squeeze them and make potatoade?
Hell no. That sounds gross, potatoade.
Nobody wants that.
Maybe I’ll load my potato gun and fire it at them, the people who gave me potatoes.
Maybe I’ll make a potato-powered clock.
And count down the time until the next person gives me potatoes.
Or just a big potato battery, wires and nails in a long chain.
And the next time someone comes to give me potatoes, I’ll wire it to the doorknob.
Come on in!
Carvolo’s Muse
The museum’s latest acquisition, Carvolo’s Muse, was a mechanical doll.
Porcelain and silver, covering a wooden frame with gears and wires and springs.
Sitting on a mahogany bench at a masterfully lacquered piano.
You could shave yourself in that mirror shine.
A copper disk turned, gliding across pegs in her heart that caused the springs in her fingers to play Moonlight Sonata.
When finished, she’d wink and give the hint of a smile.
And begin again.
Carvolo was said to have made other disks, but only Moonlight Sonata survives.
When the museum’s craftsman finishes restoring her, maybe he’ll make more.
Trust is trust
Trust is measured in the weight on your heart if you betray that trust.
Burdens that others cannot carry alone, and need to share the load with you.
And so, you do.
You can’t forget that they trusted you with what they entrusted to you.
because, when you remember what has been entrusted, but not that it’s in trust, you’ve let it fall.
And you’ve failed them. So, you can’t forget.
Over time, it all piles up, everything and everyone.
Do not collapse under that weight.
Take it to your grave.
Without letting it drive you to an early one.
Barbershop quartets in the day of COVID
People are clamoring for businesses to reopen.
Nail salons, restaurants, and barber shops.
I must admit that I’m one of them.
No, I’m not one of those spoiled people wanting their hair cut and styled.
I buzzcut my own hair at home every week.
It’s the barbershop quartets I miss.
Sure, I could watch YouTube videos of them.
Or Zoom meetups.
But it’s something you need live.
Online isn’t the same.
The problem is, the masks mess with the vocal quality.
Sure, you could keep the singers six feet apart, but that messes with the harmonics.
And the visual appeal.
Stormy whether
When the weather’s nice, I like to work from home.
The problem is, the weather is rarely nice.
Either it’s too humid and hot in the summer or too rainy and cold in what passes for a winter here.
I try to remember to push the patio chairs under the table’s umbrella to keep the cushions dry, but sometimes I forget.
Or the rain comes down at an angle.
I really ought to buy some covers for the chair cushions.
But I have a cover for my chaise lounger, and I never use it.
I’ll just buy a spare cushion.
Angry parents
There are a few parents out there who are angry over schools being closed.
Some are angry that they’re all stuck at home all day with their damn kids.
Some are angry that they can’t get a hold of free school breakfasts and lunches.
Some are angry that there’s no sports for their kids to participate in.
As if they do anything but do drugs and play videogames and jerk off.
If they miss going out and doing something, send them out to work at the grocery stores, unloading trucks and stocking shelves.
Maybe they can shoplift some toilet paper.
The eye doctor
After working from home for a few weeks, my eyes started to bother me.
I used to wear glasses, but don’t any more.
Maybe I need to wear glasses again?
So, I made an appointment to have my eyes checked.
The doctor told me to read the chart.
I said “Ooo eee, Ooo ah ah, ting tang Walla walla, bing bang.”
I’m beginning to think he isn’t a licensed ophthalmologist.
He may be, in fact, a witch doctor.
But at least he’s in my insurance network, I don’t have to wait weeks for an appointment, and the copay is reasonable.