The dentist gives out lollipops to all the kids.
Grape, cherry, strawberry, bubblegum.
It doesn’t matter what flavor, really.
They all have that little special extra ingredient.
One that rots kids teeth.
Not sugar. They’re sugar free.
But there’s an enzyme that promotes bacteria growth and inhibits calcium production.
So their teeth practically melt away.
And the only thing that can stop the rotting?
The dentist. Frequent, painful visits to the dentist.
Then, an assistant talked to the cops.
They found her in the empty office, mouth stuffed with lollipops, with a toothless grin.
Or was it a silent scream?
Category: My stories
Laundry wagon
I had my rolling laundry hamper for years.
It wore out, and I needed a new one.
So, I got another one. A round one with little wheels.
Which, after a month, broke easily.
So, I got another.
It had flimsy support rods in the sides.
So, I got another.
And another.
And another.
They all were broken easily.
Then, I got a folding beverage wagon.
The kind that you use on the beach for ice and drinks.
And I got plastic laundry baskets to stack in it.
It works great. When I can keep the cats out of it.
My cats let me live with them
Since the pandemic began, I’ve worked from home.
I have two cats, and as much as they like me giving them attention, they think of home as their space, not mine.
So when I stay at home all day to work, I’m intruding on their space.
They follow me around. They jump on me and rub their faces against my face.
When I go outside, they want to be outside with me.
And then, at some point, they go off to their own spots to sleep.
I look for them, and they chirp in indignation, and go to sleep again.
Above ground
The old saying goes that every day spent above ground is a good day.
Except for unemployed miners. They want to be underground, working.
But they’re unemployed, so they’re stuck above ground.
And then there’s skydivers with parachutes that don’t deploy.
They’re above ground.
But they really don’t want to be above ground, falling towards it.
Don’t worry, though. They won’t be for long.
They’ll hit the ground soon enough.
Maybe even fall on that unemployed miner.
If the ground is soft enough, might even knock him into the dirt a bit.
And neither will be above ground at all.
Work from work
When I think that things suck at work, I remind myself that I’m not at work.
I’m working from home.
Not working somewhere that I have to deal with people. Lots of people.
Too stupid to stay inside people. Too stupid to wear masks and gloves people.
And, unlike many others, I actually do have a job.
I can get groceries delivered if I want.
I don’t drink alcohol or eat red meat, so canned plant-based foods with protein shakes works for me.
I like being alone.
So, yeah, work is still work.
But it could be worse, you know.
Wheel inside the wheel
Don’t give in.
Be the wheel.
Be the wheel inside the wheel.
Wheels inside of wheels.
Inside of other wheels.
Turning, always turning.
Never stop, never stop turning.
With all the other wheels.
What good are wheels without axles?
What good are axles without wheels?
What good are wheels and axles without grease?
What good are they all together?
They keep things moving.
The wheel. The axle. The grease.
Be all three together.
Moving. Always moving.
Where are you moving?
Does it matter, as long as you keep moving.
With all the other wheels inside of wheels, turning, always turning.
Igor and the switches
Doctor Frankenstein told Igor to throw the switch.
Igor was good at throwing the switch.
As a child, he practiced throwing the switch all day and all night.
Got merit badges in throwing the switch when he was a scout.
He majored in throwing the switch back in college.
And apprenticed in a switch manufacturing factory as a tester to get practical experience.
Just for the moment when he’d be asked to throw it.
“I DON’T NEED YOUR WHOLE DAMN BIOGRAPHY, IGOR!” yelled Frankenstein. “THROW THE SWITCH!”
Igor said “Yes, Master!” and pressed the button that had replaced the switch.
Any silver will do
They say that you can only kill a werewolf with a silver bullet.
But any silver will do.
Parson Reginald used a silver mirror like a knife.
He also used a silver knife.
Maxwell used a silver hammer to bash in their brains.
Perhaps you’ve heard the song?
Silver arrow heads, silver cigarette stems, silver serving platters.
They all work.
We’ve tested it all, here at the lab.
We obtain werewolves, and we kill them with all kinds of silver things.
Why do our guards carry guns with silver bullets?
They’re easier to use than all that over weird crap.
The perfect costume
Bob came up with the best costume for Halloween.
“This is going to be hard to make,” said his mother.
“I’m going to make it myself,” said Bob.
He studied all kinds of books on fashion and design.
And he watched a bunch of tutorials on Lynda’s website, free through his library card.
But Trick or Treat was cancelled that year because of the pandemic.
Still, he was able to get his mother to take photos and he posted them on TikTok and all the social media, and he texted them to his friends.
They texted back photos of candy.
Sickbed
If you’re feeling sick, don’t go to bed.
Sure, when you’re sick, the bed you’re in is a sickbed.
Are you sure it’s a sick bed?
It could be a deathbed.
And that’s where you’ll die.
Yes, you’ve been sleeping in that bed for years.
Not knowing that it’s actually a deathbed.
What about a daybed? Can a daybed be a sickbed or a deathbed?
Yes. Yes it can.
You won’t see it on the label, though.
And there’s no testing for it.
The only way you’ll find out is if you get sick.
Or, I suppose, if you die.