Tinny the cat loves hugs.
Most mornings, she jumps up on the sofa, walks to my chest, turns around, and lays down on my collarbone for a nap.
However, she likes to do this a few minutes before I need to shower for work.
So, sometimes I’m a little late getting to the shower, need to dress quickly, and end up a few minutes late to work.
That’s okay, because I can stay a little later at work to make up for it.
Which means I’m a few minutes late coming home.
Which is when Myst likes to lay on me.
Category: My stories
The Other
Joe recently upgraded his iPhone to the latest software, and it now says that he has 25 gigabytes of Other.
What’s Other? he thought
He looked this Other up on Apple’s support site, and they wanted him to completely reinstall his phone from a backup, and that’s a pain in the ass.
“Fine,” he said, plugging in the phone and telling iTunes to sync up.
The sync began, and his headphones began to tingle.
When the sync was over, Bob looked at the screen.
“25 gigabytes of Other? Again? Damn this stupid thing!”
He exchanged his iPhone for a Droid.
Of The Month
Wanda filled out the order form incorrectly, and instead of getting the Bread Of The Month Club, she ended up in the Breast Of The Month Club.
At first, she was shocked by the boob in a brown cardboard box that she got in the mail, but she tried it on and found it supple and firm, much more so than her two.
She filled out another order form, and the next month, she got two boxes in the mail.
A pair and a spare.
She used the pre-paid postage to send back her own tits, and went bra shopping.
Jimmy The
Back in the Seventies, CBS was looking for a guy to add to their NFL Today show.
So, they rounded up a bunch of guys named Jimmy and had them try out.
Nobody could understand Jimmy The French.
Jimmy The Italian waved his hands too much.
Jimmy The Spanish and Jimmy The Mexican were always on siesta.
And they already had Irv Cross, so they didn’t need a token Jimmy The Black.
Jimmy The Russian? Jimmy The German? Jimmy The Chink? No.
In the end, they went with Jimmy The Greek, who had bet on himself and made a fortune.
Lazy Bill Gates
Bill Gates said that he prefers to hire lazy people because they use the simplest solution to get the job done.
I think he’s lying. Because lazy people don’t just try to come up with the simplest solution, but they also cut corners in their work, and they don’t check their work.
I know this, because I am a lazy person. I cut corners, and I don’t check my work.
Plus, I’m often late, because I dilly-dally and dawdle. Oh, and I goof off.
I’d research this Bill Gates thing more, but I really don’t give a fuck about it.
Hollywood Success Story
Everyone told Bob that with his good looks, he should go out to Hollywood.
So, he did.
But he didn’t act or sing.
Instead, he cleaned pools, mowed yards, and landscaped.
And he was really good at it.
Every famous person’s place you see, Bob’s company handles their yardwork and maintenance.
He gives his employees fair wages, decent benefits, and good healthcare.
Others try to undercut him with illegals, but they do cheap, sloppy work.
And the Immigration officers know that Bob does background checks, others don’t.
There are no awards or ceremonies for honest, hard work in Hollywood.
Pity.
Baba Va
Decades ago, the Va watched human starships as they slid down through the clouds and landed on their sacred lands.
Today, there is only one Va left, Baba Va, and it is dying.
For years, xenopologists transcribe endless stories of the Va, their proud history, the complex rituals.
Which are totally full of shit.
The Va were always a wretched culture, constantly fighting amongst themselves.
By the time the humans came, the Va were already in decline, starving and cannibalizing on this awful rocky planetoid.
We humor it’s exhausting nonsense, and look forward to its demise and the wonderful silence.
Martin
Every year on Martin Luther King’s birthday, the reverend’s ghost wakes from his eternal dream.
He peers from his tomb, across the moat, and into the offices of The Center Of Nonviolent Change.
The dream. The dream where his children would be judged one day by the content of their character.
His daughter was talking to copyright attorneys, setting rates for the use of his legacy, and organizing the takedown notices and lawsuits for those who refused to pay royalties.
“I wished for so much more for you,” he whispered.
Then he settled back into his tomb for another year.
Celebrity Checks
Why do celebrities, such as Charlie Sheen, pay for everything by check?
They’re hoping that fans won’t cash the check because they want to keep the autograph.
This trick worked back in the early days, like when Salvador Dali would create wonderful artworks on his checks to prevent the recipient from cashing it, but not anymore.
People can load a banking app on their smartphone, snap photos of the check, and deposit the funds electronically into their account. All without having to surrender the physical check.
On the other hand, Whoopi Goldberg signs 100 dollar bills. She’s such a bitch.
Virtual Walk
To make my treadmill walks interesting, I’ve created a virtual route with Google Earth.
Every mile I walk on my treadmill, I move a mile on the virtual route.
The problem is, Google Earth synced my viewer to Antarctica.
That’s why I’m on the treadmill with snowshoes and layers of fur coats.
And saying hello to the hordes of penguins I clomp past.
I know it looks absurd, walking on a treadmill with fur coats and snowshoes.
The other people at the gym call me crazy.
But at long as I’m sweating off the pounds like gangbusters, I’ll keep going.