Category: My stories

Some parents believe that vaccines cause autism and retardation, so they refuse to get their children vaccinated.
When these kids go to school or out in public, they risk picking up diseases from which they have no protection, and then tramsitting them to others.
But shouldn’t a kid that was vaccinated be protected when an unvaccinated kid exposes them to the disease?
“Resistant, not immune,” says my doctor.
So, I dress my daughter in armor with sharp spikes. Just try to touch or hug her, you filthy disease bag.
If only it wasn’t a bitch to wash in the laundry.

The immersive journalist ingested the video from the refugee camps into the simulator and rendered up the scenes.
They handed the project to their editor, who made sure there weren’t any embellishments or activist bias.
“Release it,” she said.
Dozens of Durban conference attendees were led through the scenes, which horrified and shocked them.
“What can we do?” they asked.
All the while, the journalist is taping them, and then she works up a project in the simulator that captures scenes from the conference.
She shows them to the refugees.
“They care,” she says.
But, really, does it solve anything?

I asked my friend Mary what she wanted for her birthday.
“Surprise me,” she said.
She’s blind, but I’ve known her long enough that all those crude jokes you think about surprising blind people… just grow up, okay? Dude.
What I did was: I bought her a jar of jellybeans.
The jar had beans of every flavor it in, mixed all together.
Cherry. Grape. Bubblegum. Strawberry.
You name it, it was in there.
Every flavor was a surprise to her.
“Thank you!” she said. And she tried to hug me.
She missed, and fell down the stairs, breaking her neck.

The American Military swears that they will leave no man behind.
So, when Private Joe Jenkins got captured on a raid in Afghanistan, the Taliban tried to broker a prisoner exchange.
The American Military swears that they will not negotiate with terrorists, too.
Someone suggested that they sneak in a Red Cross team to give Joe a sex change operation, but the Army lawyers determined that “no man” applies to women, too.
So, they accepted the terms without negotiation.
Private Joe Jenkins returned home on an Air Force cargo plane.
And the President promptly nuked The Great Satan into ash.

I’ve been to Florida before, but I’ve never been in a rain storm here… until today.
Driving through the Epcot parking lot, a few droplets hit the window. But my phone’s weather app showed clear skies.
We got in the gate, saw a show, and that’s when the skies opened up.
I tapped the app again.
“Fifteen minutes,” I said, and we waited under an awning to watch brave souls wrapped in plastic ponchos dash by.
And then, the rain stopped, and it was much cooler out. Which made me wish it had rained all those other times I’d visited.