Soulstones are easy to use.
After a couple swallows a pair of soulstones and goes to sleep, they will wake up in each other’s bodies.
When you’re ready to switch back, wait for the stones to come out, wash them off, and swallow them again.
I don’t know how they work. I just know they work.
What’s it like?
It’s disorienting, seeing yourself standing in front of you.
“A deal’s a deal,” says Natalie, pushing her cock into my mouth.
Her mouth. My mouth.
Pronouns can be so confusing with soulstones.
But you adapt quickly.
“That’s nice,” says Natalie, smiling.
Category: My stories
Bellhop
The bellhop was more than happy to help get the bags from the car to registration, and then the room.
Vacationers always have cash on hand to tip with at the beginning of the trip.
It’s when they pack up and check out that’s the problem. All of the hidden charges come out on the bill, or the maids pilfer cash left out on the dresser. Bad mojo.
The bellhop’s gonna get screwed out of a tip, so why bother?
If I don’t see a cart out front loading bags into a taxi, screw it. Drive me to another hotel.
Empire State
Kids tell each other that if you drop a penny from the top of the Empire State Building, it will reach terminal velocity and kill someone on the ground if it hits them.
But the truth is, wind and air resistance greatly slow a penny’s descent so that it’s only going 20 to 30 miles per hour, and it doesn’t have much mass or momentum, so it’ll just sting a bit.
Now, if you drop a kid holding a penny off of the top of the Empire State Building, it’ll kill someone on the ground.
In addition to the kid.
Pasteur
Louis Pasteur is famous for using heat to kill germs in liquids, such as beer and milk.
But this was all a cover up to hide the fact that he was a notorious serial killer.
Yep. He boiled his victims.
“Pasteurization” was originally what the press called a person who was boiled to death.
Pasteur was about to be arrested for dozens of murders when the whole “use heat to kill germs” defense came up.
The benefit to public health outweighed the risk to public safety, and Pasteur was released.
Let us raise a toast to Pasteur, that crazy bastard!
Mr. Rogers Urban Blight
Do you remember Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood?
Whatever happened to it?
No, not the show. The neighborhood.
He lived near so many interesting people and places.
I guess they all moved away or closed down when Mr. Rogers died.
The local economy went into decline, and the tax base shrunk.
Trolley service had to be cut, which cut off The Land Of Make Believe.
King Friday drained the royal treasury, but to no avail.
Their factory was shut down, and the museum was closed.
I heard there was some kind of revolution there.
But who gives a crap about stupid puppets?
Buddy Buddy
Buddy’s Buddies is a charity camp that Hall Of Fame second baseman Buddy Bunker runs for underprivileged handicapped kids.
They canoe, fish, play games, and have cookouts. It’s fun for everybody.
They also have a computer class there for the nerds who don’t like canoes, fishing, games, or normal kid stuff.
The other kids taunt and bully the nerds, which really boosts their self-esteem. Because the kids are usually picked on for being poor and crippled and funny-looking.
Oh, they also make arts and crafts, with some fancy woodworking, but they just use that junk to beat the nerds with.
Otis Ford
I warned my daughter never to date a guy named Otis.
“You’ll see his name in every elevator. If it doesn’t work out, it’ll drive you crazy.”
“Oh Daddy,” she said. “Don’t worry about me.”
Not only did she not heed my warning, but her Otis had a last name of Ford.
Otis Ford.
Every Otis elevator…
Every Ford vehicle…
She was a goddamned mess all the time.
She wound up having to flee to some backwards country without elevators or cars.
I send her letters, but she doesn’t answer them.
I’ll just let her be. Time heals everything, right?
Sewer
When I was little, I had trouble with irregular words.
I thought someone who sewed was a sewer.
“It’s a seamstress,” said the teacher. “Sewer looks like sewer.”
Ever since then, I can’t get the image of a sewing machine under each sewer cover out of my head.
One day, I took an iron rod to a sewer cover, pried it open, and looked inside.
Nobody sewing down there. Just a bunch of rats and the worst smell I had ever smelled.
So, I tried to teach the rats to sew.
Instead of sewing needles, I get rabies needles.
Ouch.
The Stars Vanished
One moment, we were surrounded by stars. And the next moment, they were gone.
The heavens had gone completely black.
Women and children screaming in the dark.
So, I turned on the microphone and said to the audience: “Please stay in your seats. This is just a temporary technical issue.”
And I got out my flashlight to look at the fusebox.
The planetarium had tripped a breaker.
I reset it, rebooted the systems, and the stars came back.
Why didn’t the emergency exit lights come on?
I brought up the house lights, ushered people out, and called Facilities for repairs.
Retired Number
Ted was one of the best second basemen in the game, so when he hung up his spikes for good, his team retired his number seven.
Not just the number seven jersey. They retired it from the batting averages and RBI counts and all that crap the geeks love to obsess about, too. If they scored seven runs, it was “a lot.” Drove the statisticians insane.
Oh, and the seventh inning? That was called “the inning between the sixth and eighth.”
The front office reversed their decision when the accountants couldn’t calculate revenues, and the staff bitched about messed-up paychecks.