When people say God will provide, I ask them what God will provide.
They never have a specific answer.
So, I ask “Will God provide Pop Tarts?”
They usually say “No.” or “Probably not.” However, this one time they said “No.” and God interrupted us, and He said “”Hey, guys, oddly enough, I have some Pop Tarts.” And He put the box of Pop Tarts on the table.
They were cherry-flavored.
“My favorite,” I said. “Thanks, God.”
“You’re welcome,” said God. And He vanished.
I put them in the toaster, but it was broken.
That’s okay. They’re good untoasted, too.
Category: My stories
Loyalties
People often accuse me of divided loyalties, but that’s mathematically incorrect.
Loyalties add, not divide. Instead of being loyal to one, you’re now loyal to two.
How loyal you are, well, that’s another axis of measurement. Not our concern here.
You might think they multiply, multiplication being the opposite of dividing, but it’s easy to mistake multiplication for addition.
Especially with two and two. The results may be the same, but the methods are different.
No, loyalties do not divide or multiply. Instead, they add.
Or, in your case, what with all this annoying stupid questioning and harassment, they subtract.
Writers
So you’re wondering why I’m holding out a blank sheet of paper as we walk along this alley.
That’s because there’s nothing more formidable to a writer than a blank sheet of paper. Or a deadline, but it’s hard to wave a deadline around at a rampaging pack of angry writers.
They think a blank sheet of paper is the most awful and daunting thing in the world, more dangerous than garlic or a cross to vampires.
What? Did you hear that?
I think I hear writers! Dangerous writers!
Hold out this paper, and make haste for the stationery shop!
Bars and cords
Some people have just one cord for their phone and they bring it with them everywhere they need it.
I’m not one of those kind of people.
I have a cord on my nightstand, a cord at the coffee table where I use my laptop at home, a cord in my backpack, and a cord at my desk at work.
I don’t know whether this means that I’m paranoid, lazy, or wasteful with money, but I know that anywhere I go, I’ve got a spare cord available when I need it.
Too bad I never have any bars.
Fucking Verizon.
Birds
You know that song, “Why do birds suddenly appear?”
Well, I know why birds suddenly appear every time you are near. It’s obvious.
It’s all that birdseed you covered yourself with.
How did you get it to stick to your body?
Peanut butter?
Honey?
Baby oil?
I hope you’re not allergic.
Not only does that crap attract birds, but there’s a large population of squirrels and chipmunks and other varmints following you around.
Okay, so some of them eat the seeds you’re leaving behind you, but the ones that crawl up your legs… aren’t you worried about rabies or scratches?
Casting Call
Sally was a great singer, but a lousy actress, and she was ugly as hell.
Denise was a great actress, but her singing was awful, and she wasn’t much to look at.
Tracy looked amazing, but she couldn’t sing or act her way out of a paper bag.
All three showed up to the casting call.
The producer hired Sally to perform on the soundtrack. Then, he hired Denise to work with the stop-motion capture group.
What he did with Tracy, well, let’s just say that she ought to have a pimp instead of an agent.
The movie bombed spectacularly.
Mouse
I needed a mouse for my docking station at work, so the computer guys presented me with a fancy wireless mouse with a lot of buttons.
I had to change the battery every few days, and I was always messing up my work because of a wild function button press.
I went to Amazon and bought a simple two-button mouse with a wheel and a cord.
The computer guys made fun of my insisting on such a simple and crude pointing device.
“You can’t do anything with that mouse,” they said.
So, I strangled each of them with the cord.
Sharing
When I was growing up, my brother and I shared a room.
Our family had a maid who took the train from the city, but sometimes she stayed overnight in a room of her own.
When she died and wasn’t replaced, I was moved to her room.
“What kind of wallpaper do you want?” asked my dad, showing me hundreds of samples.
I chose Mighty Mouse wallpaper.
Bad choice. Dozens of bulgy-eyed supermice, staring at me from the wall.
He may be here to save the day, but he’ll be back at night to rob you of your precious sleep.
Civil War
Tens of thousands of Syrians have died during their civil war.
Hundreds of thousands have fled the country.
While these people suffer, diplomats and politicians yell at each other and do nothing.
Like many, I think we should arm the Syrian rebels, but the problem is that the rebels include Al Qaeda and Hezbollah terrorists.
So, I have decided to help arm the terrorists with pies. Because the YouTube videos will be funny instead of head-chopping-off gruesome.
“What kind of pie would you like?” I ask a rebel.
‘Die Infidel!” he shouts.
“Sorry, just apple and cherry today,” I grumble.
Pins
One wall of my room was covered with corkboard so things could be pinned to it.
Well, okay. It wasn’t my room. It was the room my brother and I were in.
I don’t say shared because he thought of it as his room, and I was an intruder.
One wall was a corkboard, and he had all his posters and stuff pinned up there.
I had nothing pinned up, because all the pins were his.
If I took a pin, he hit me.
I never thought to ask for pins.
If I had, he’d have taken them all.
Monster.