Sometimes, Trixie likes to trade bodies with me.
So, I got out the soulstones, handed her one, and swallowed the other.
And then we went to sleep.
The next morning, everything was grey, and I felt strange and awkward.
I tried to feel myself, but I didn’t have Trixie’s hands or body to feel with.
I was in the dog.
She’d covered her soulstone with peanut butter and fed it to the dog!
I’m in the goddamned dog now!
I barked a few times, and that’s when the smell hit me.
A bowl. Filled with anti-freeze.
I… just… can’t… resist!
Category: My stories
My Table
This is my favorite restaurant.
I have my own table here.
And I have my own chair, too.
They keep a special set of fine silverware for me.
And I’ve got my own wine glass. With a fully-stocked wine cellar to serve me from.
My personal waiter takes my order from the menu they printed just for me.
He goes back to the chef that works in my kitchen, using the ingredients they bought for my meal.
That’s when I hear the commotion from outside.
They’re towing my car? From my special parking place?
Unspeakable!
I’ll never come here again!
Washing Balls
I don’t play golf with Father Cunningham anymore.
It’s not because he’s so much better than me.
It’s because of how he’s so much better than me.
“Oh, I just have Sister Mary say a blessing over my balls before I go out to play,” he said one day.
And I didn’t think about this at all. It was just a little divine intervention.
Heck, don’t we all sneak in a little prayer now and then to beg The Almighty for help?
Then, I realized that he always bought golf balls still in a package before every round we played.
Puss In Boots
I never understood the story Puss In Boots.
I’ve never seen a cat walking around in boots.
However, I’ve owned a cat that pissed on my boots.
Maybe whoever wrote Puss In Boots had a cat that pissed on their boots, and they rubbed the cat’s nose in the pissed-on boots until the idea came to them for a Puss In Boots.
Probably not.
When my cat pissed on my boots, I came up with the idea for a boot rack in my closet, and closing the closet so the cat couldn’t get in there to piss on them again.
Guest
It rarely gets cold during Winter in Houston, but it’s cold enough on some mornings for a jacket and gloves.
I was walking to the bus stop when I felt an odd tickle in my left sleeve.
Was my elbow acting up in the cold?
No. It was a crawling sensation along my arm.
So, I took off my glove, pulled my arm out of the jacket, and there was a mouse in my hand.
I put it on the ground to let it scamper off.
Clever thing. It waited until it was far from our cats to reveal itself.
Regicide
Prince Alfred was the only heir, and from the day he was born, he was never a well child.
The King wanted another son, because it was obvious that Alfred would never rule. So, he hired assassins to kidnap and kill the queen so he could marry again.
Alfred knew that his father had his mother killed, so he had to kill his father’s mistresses.
He poisoned the first four before his father had the cook replaced.
When Alfred stabbed the fifth mistress himself, The King smiled.
“I believe you’re well enough to rule,” he said.
Then Albert stabbed him.
Frolic
I like to watch webcams which show baby zoo animals, but only when the zoo animals are cute and playful.
Don’t point cameras at ugly things. I don’t want to look at ugly things.
And don’t point cameras at things that aren’t playful. Might as well watch a photograph.
When a cute animal is sleeping, I want to tap the screen and shout “WAKE UP SO I CAN WATCH YOU FROLIC PLAYFULLY!”
But that’s useless.
So, I called a friend at the zoo, and they pointed an air horn at the panda.
Thank goodness there’s no audio with this feed.
Post-Lunch Coma
The company I work for provides a catered lunch every day.
I thought this would impact my productivity, because the lunch selections are heavy fare and cause the staff to fall into “post-lunch comas.”
“Not so,” says management. “This is a deliberate strategy. You see, before we provided lunch, employees had been making their dumbest mistakes around noon. Now, by us providing a heavy lunch, everybody ends up in a groggy state together. Instead of making dumb mistakes, employees nap. Then, once they wake up from their stupor, they’re good to go.”
And all ready to make smart mistakes.
The Rings
Tiffany wore a necklace with a key dangling from it.
Marie wore a necklace with a padlock.
As long as they couldn’t get married in Texas, they refused to wear the rings they’d bought for a full-blown wedding.
They were together for fifty years, and every day, Tiffany looked at those rings.
“Not yet,” said Marie.
So Tiffany put them away.
When Marie got sick, Tiffany begged her to exchange rings.
“No,” said Marie.
And she died the next day.
Tiffany tried to put the key in the lock.
It didn’t fit.
She put on the other necklace and wept.
Twins
Back during my dating days, I dated a woman with an identical twin sister.
But it didn’t work out.
Sure, the sex was great, and she was funny and smart, but her sister was jealous and tried to break us up.
Then, she impersonated her sister, and it totally sent things over the edge.
I didn’t realize what I’d done until the next morning, when I saw the butterfly tattoo on her left hip instead of her right.
Or was it supposed to be on her left hip?
“As if I care,” I said, and we did it again.
Twice.