Some guys make a few extra bucks donating their blood plasma, and others market their sperm, but I think I’m the only professional saliva donor out there.
Where I have overactive salivary glands, others are the opposite.
And you may think a cup of warm spit isn’t worth a cup of warm spit, to them it’s like liquid gold.
This being my livelihood, I have to charge a fair market value for my efforts.
Most people are shocked when they get the bill, but if they think my spit is expensive, they should see how much my lawyers charge me.
Category: My stories
500 More
Remember when The Proclaimers sang that they’d walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more to fall down at your door?
I never understood that song. Why would someone walk a thousand miles? Can’t you get a plane ticket or bus fare?
It turns out that they walked out your door, kept walking for 500 miles, turned around, and then walked all the way back.
Why they did this, I have no idea. They could have just walked out your door and fallen down right then and there.
Utterly bizarre.
The Proclaimers truly put the “wonder” in “One Hit Wonder.”
130
When Shakespeare wrote that his mistress’ eyes were nothing like the sun, he had no idea that she had just inhaled particles from a passing comet and underwent ocular nuclear fusion.
Her eyes had become exactly like the sun: two miniature gaseous spheres of Hydrogen and Helium under intense pressure, temperature, and gravitational power.
She clutched her flaming head and screamed until collapsing into a pile of charred bone and ash.
Shakespeare thought about correcting his sonnet, but it was already at the printers.
“Oh well,” he muttered.
Then he picked up his pen and wrote “Thou art as tyrannous…”
13 and 666
Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of the number 13. Many American buildings skip the number 13 when numbering floors.
Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia is the fear of the number 666, which some consider the Number Of The Beast.
No building is tall enough to have a six hundred and sixty-sixth floor to skip, but Ronald and Nancy Reagan had their house number changed to 668 because of that fear.
Golf courses, on the other hand, have thirteenth holes, so I suppose if there were 666 holes, those would be numbered properly, too.
I’d hate to have to mow the grass on that course, though.
Swept Under the Prayer Rug
The bishop stuck Father O’Brien’s file in a drawer and locked it.
“Move him to Boston,” he said.
Two years later, the bishop pulled out O’Brien’s file and added the newest reports to it.
“Try New York,” he said. “Last chance.”
It wasn’t. A year later, O’Brien was sent to Los Angeles.
When the file was too thick to fit in the drawer, the bishop had O’Brien sent to South America on a teaching mission.
The locals took matters into their own hands, hanging the child molester.
“I should have sent him there in the first place,” said the bishop.
The Blues
You bought that guitar from a store? Got it for Christmas?
Stop! Stop stop stop!
Stop playing the Blues!
You don’t have the right to play the Blues.
The old Bluesmen were so poor, they made their instruments out of whatever was lying around.
Screen doors, busted-down car radiators… even their little brothers and sisters.
You don’t make instruments out of your big brothers and sisters because they can beat you up.
And you don’t make em out of gramma and grampa because they smell funny.
So put down that guitar, get poor, and learn.
Learn, and earn the Blues.
Princess
Remember when you got to the end of the dungeon in Super Mario Brothers, killed the bad guy, and saw:
“Thank you, Mario, but our princess is in another castle.”
Well, then, who the hell is this bitch?
And what is she doing all the way down here?
Seven princesses later, Mario finally rescues the “real” princess.
If it were me, I’d have given up and settled for the first one.
She looks the same. And I’m sure her kingdom wants her back and will pay a reward for her.
I’m done with jumping around. Go ask my brother Luigi.
Blender
I love my new immersion blender.
Instead of using a hard-to-clean pitcher with blades in it that had be run through the dishwasher every time, I’m now using a stick with a set of blades on the end that I can just run under the faucet to clean.
I no longer have to go to Starbucks for frozen coffee slushes either. I just toss ice, chocolate sauce, cold coffee, and Bailey’s into a thick oversized mug, blend it for a while, and I’m done.
I still drop a dollar in a glass for a tip, though. Hard habit to break.
Unicorns
Most server administrators manage their servers, setting up simple rotation scripts to prevent their logs from filling the hard drive.
But there’s some slackers out there who have no idea what they’re doing, and they let the hard drive fill up, and they can’t send email or serve up any more web pages.
I send those people a knowledgebase article and offer to set up the log rotation scripts, but one refused, saying “The unicorns will appear when it reaches 101 percent!”
Bah. I install the rotation scripts anyway.
Remotely, of course.
(Those roaming unicorns are really dangerous, you know!)
Rain Delay
Usually, I go straight home after work, but my wife told me that there were holes in most of my underwear, so I walked by Target to pick up new underwear.
The delay kept me out after five, which meant that Nit Noi Thai was open.
Yeah, I stopped in to eat some spring rolls, soup, and beef satay.
By the time I got my check, it was raining.
Hard.
I own two umbrellas.
One is at work.
The other is on my back porch.
I ordered another tea, sat back with my brand new underwear, and watched the rain.