For a year, while my body fought off the virus, I was unable to move.
Blind. Deaf. Insensate.
A machine helped me to breathe, and I was fed through a tube.
Alone in my thoughts. In the darkness.
And then, I could blink my eyes.
Left, yes.
Right, no.
They taught me a simple code to use.
So, I asked for a freshly-baked pie.
No, I can’t eat it. I still have to eat through a tube.
I just want to smell it.
Maybe that… and flowers… and perfumes…
They will draw me out of myself.
Back to life again.
Category: My stories
Savage – Eighth Anniversary
NOTE: This podcast is now 8 years old.
I’ve heard stories about jungle tribes that didn’t want their pictures taken because they thought that the camera would steal and capture their soul.
They also thought that there were tiny men inside the radio, cargo planes were gods that dropped gifts from heaven, and that the world was created by a giant fish laying the stars like eggs.
We’d have told them they were full of shit, but it’s kinda rude to be trashing people on their turf.
And they had spears. Lots of spears.
We’ll go back with guns next time.
(The mining company will cover the cost.)
Sighting
For centuries, people have claimed to have seen the Virgin Mary in various caves and grottos, and pilgrims seek guidance and healing in those places.
To this day, you’ll hear about a cheese sandwich or a piece of driftwood. A water stain in the ceiling of some shithole apartment.
So, imagine my surprise that during my colonoscopy, I’m watching the monitor and the doctor goes “HOLY CRAP!” the same time I do.
Yep. The Virgin Mary. Up my ass.
“Oh that’s where that statue went,” I said.
I promise I’ll wash it before I put it back on the dashboard.
Quil
NyQuil is green and makes you drowsy.
DayQuil is orange and doesn’t make you drowsy.
So, what happens if you drink them both?
I don’t know.
So, I went outside to a picnic table, poured out a capful of each of the liquids, and waited patiently.
Slowly, the moon covered the sun, and the sky grew dark.
At the moment of total coverage, where night was day and day was night, I drank.
The taste was horrendous, but passed quickly.
Then, my stomach felt warm.
And the feeling passed.
The moon slowly moved away from the sun…
And it winked.
Rainbow Slide
Is it not every man’s dream to climb the St. Louis Arch and paint it like a rainbow?
Then, with the sun at their back, they strip off their climbing gear to reveal a mighty glittering Thor costume, and, swinging their hammer wildly, they slide down the rainbow bringing greetings and tidings from Asguard.
Ah, yes.
Sadly, it takes money to accomplish such feats, and corporate sponsorship, though lucrative, corrupts all it touches. So, yes tossing Skittles while shouting TASTE THE RAINBOW! is overwhelming, it ruins the purity of the act.
Promote the Avengers movie?
Sure, why not?
MJOLNIR… COME!
The Short End
Ever felt like you’ve ended up holding the short end of the stick?
This baffles me. I’ve always wondered which end of the stick is the short end of the stick.
After gathering thousands of sticks and carefully measuring every end of them, I’ve come to the conclusion that despite the wide variety in sharpness, thickness, branching, and leafiness, sticks don’t actually have short or long ends.
Other researchers working independently have confirmed my conclusions.
Then, we went camping together, gathered up some sticks to make a fire, and roasted marshmallows and wieners with the longer sticks.
Science is fun.
Tower
I love making towers out of soup crackers.
The trick is to mush up some crackers in the soup to make a mortar.
Not too dry, or they won’t stick and the tower won’t stand up.
And not too wet, or it will soak the crackers in the tower and threaten the structural stability.
You’ve got to get the mortar just right, and there’s such a small window in which you can use it before it dries up.
The type of soup’s important, too.
Tomato’s good.
So is French Onion, but I think that using the gooey cheese is cheating.
It Worked
Walking home from school, a woman in a strange silver diving suit stopped me, kneeled down, and whispered “It worked.”
Then she kissed me on the forehead before diving into a flash of light… and she was gone.
Over the years, from school, through university, to the chronosuit research… searching for her.
And I found her.
Those eyes. Those bright eyes.
She was the granddaughter of my research partner.
She learned quickly, taking our research so far.
She tells me she’s ready to test it, wants me to see it work.
“I already have,” I say, and close my eyes.
Sudden Twins
We brought the baby home from the hospital, and just as Sharon was preparing to give him his first feeding, we heard the doorbell.
I opened it.
Three men in environment suits standing there, and a large van parked in the driveway.
“There’s been a mistake,” said one, holding a baby swaddled in a blue cloth. “You had twins.”
Another held a Geiger Counter, watching the dial and sweating. “Hurry up, guys.”
I took the baby… and shut the door.
I looked at the baby.
It glowed orange.
Yes. Orange.
At least we won’t lose him in the dark, right?
Tails
Some people eat crawdads from the bucket and toss the shells on their tray.
Other people dump out the crawdads on to their tray and put the empty shells back into the bucket.
“It’s cleaner that way,” they say. “You’re putting the trash back into the bucket.”
Except that all the juices pour out on to the tray when you dump out the bucket.
Which is right?
To me, It doesn’t matter how I shuck the crawdads and where I toss the shells, as long as I save a few tails to bring home.
(Nardo loves the smelly little things.)