NyQuil is green and makes you drowsy.
DayQuil is orange and doesn’t make you drowsy.
So, what happens if you drink them both?
I don’t know.
So, I went outside to a picnic table, poured out a capful of each of the liquids, and waited patiently.
Slowly, the moon covered the sun, and the sky grew dark.
At the moment of total coverage, where night was day and day was night, I drank.
The taste was horrendous, but passed quickly.
Then, my stomach felt warm.
And the feeling passed.
The moon slowly moved away from the sun…
And it winked.
Category: My stories
Rainbow Slide
Is it not every man’s dream to climb the St. Louis Arch and paint it like a rainbow?
Then, with the sun at their back, they strip off their climbing gear to reveal a mighty glittering Thor costume, and, swinging their hammer wildly, they slide down the rainbow bringing greetings and tidings from Asguard.
Ah, yes.
Sadly, it takes money to accomplish such feats, and corporate sponsorship, though lucrative, corrupts all it touches. So, yes tossing Skittles while shouting TASTE THE RAINBOW! is overwhelming, it ruins the purity of the act.
Promote the Avengers movie?
Sure, why not?
MJOLNIR… COME!
The Short End
Ever felt like you’ve ended up holding the short end of the stick?
This baffles me. I’ve always wondered which end of the stick is the short end of the stick.
After gathering thousands of sticks and carefully measuring every end of them, I’ve come to the conclusion that despite the wide variety in sharpness, thickness, branching, and leafiness, sticks don’t actually have short or long ends.
Other researchers working independently have confirmed my conclusions.
Then, we went camping together, gathered up some sticks to make a fire, and roasted marshmallows and wieners with the longer sticks.
Science is fun.
Tower
I love making towers out of soup crackers.
The trick is to mush up some crackers in the soup to make a mortar.
Not too dry, or they won’t stick and the tower won’t stand up.
And not too wet, or it will soak the crackers in the tower and threaten the structural stability.
You’ve got to get the mortar just right, and there’s such a small window in which you can use it before it dries up.
The type of soup’s important, too.
Tomato’s good.
So is French Onion, but I think that using the gooey cheese is cheating.
It Worked
Walking home from school, a woman in a strange silver diving suit stopped me, kneeled down, and whispered “It worked.”
Then she kissed me on the forehead before diving into a flash of light… and she was gone.
Over the years, from school, through university, to the chronosuit research… searching for her.
And I found her.
Those eyes. Those bright eyes.
She was the granddaughter of my research partner.
She learned quickly, taking our research so far.
She tells me she’s ready to test it, wants me to see it work.
“I already have,” I say, and close my eyes.
Sudden Twins
We brought the baby home from the hospital, and just as Sharon was preparing to give him his first feeding, we heard the doorbell.
I opened it.
Three men in environment suits standing there, and a large van parked in the driveway.
“There’s been a mistake,” said one, holding a baby swaddled in a blue cloth. “You had twins.”
Another held a Geiger Counter, watching the dial and sweating. “Hurry up, guys.”
I took the baby… and shut the door.
I looked at the baby.
It glowed orange.
Yes. Orange.
At least we won’t lose him in the dark, right?
Tails
Some people eat crawdads from the bucket and toss the shells on their tray.
Other people dump out the crawdads on to their tray and put the empty shells back into the bucket.
“It’s cleaner that way,” they say. “You’re putting the trash back into the bucket.”
Except that all the juices pour out on to the tray when you dump out the bucket.
Which is right?
To me, It doesn’t matter how I shuck the crawdads and where I toss the shells, as long as I save a few tails to bring home.
(Nardo loves the smelly little things.)
Never again
Every now and then, I have a drink, but not as much as I once did.
Yeah, in my prime, I was a drunk.
My college transcript was done with a breathalyzer.
Used to drink four margaritas at Cabo’s, or nine Red Bull and Jagermeisters somewhere else.
Said “Never again” enough to make Elie Wiesel demand royalties.
And my old pal Jack Daniels, well, he’s been married three times: Coke, diet Coke, and Coke Zero.
Ain’t alimony a zero-calorie bitch?
Nowadays, maybe some wine, or coffee needs a dash of Bailey’s, but just for flavor, mind you.
Drunk?
Never again.
Babysitting Exchange
Babysitters are so expensive. And you have no idea who the agency will send.
So, we started a neighborhood babysitter exchange. It’s the neighborhood, so you know who your children are with.
How does it work? Well, everybody gets a number of credits, and people exchange them for babysitting services.
When you run out of credits, you babysit to earn more.
We started with popsicle sticks to represent the credits, but people started to buy those at arts and crafts stores, and hyperinflation kicked in.
It broke down with people faking babysitting jobs, using dolls or watermelons dressed in diapers.
Musicals
Before I ever read Dickens’ Oliver Twist, I saw a tape of the 1969 musical.
I find musicals stupid. People burst into song over the strangest shit. Everybody dances and spins and laughs and leaps.
Did something get in the water supply? A gas leak making everybody loony?
A little chasing, a little murder, and we find Fagin fumbling his wealth into the muck.
Poor guy. Oh well.
Later on, I read the book.
They hanged him?
Dude. Harsh.
I put the book back on the shelf, sigh, and load up the DVD.
Perhaps musicals aren’t so stupid after all.