As a society, we’re obsessed with bacon.
If it isn’t bacon-flavored, it looks like bacon.
I’ve seen a bacon-patterned knit scarf. It’s like wrapping a slice of bacon around your neck.
And I know a fashion designer who is making photograph-sourced bacon stockings.
They have the all striations and marbelization of natural bacon, very lifelike.
And very creepy.
But, if you think about it, it’s a lot more sanitary than using real bacon on your legs.
Sure, the grease will help them stick, but once a stray dog catches the scent, you’re going to get chased all the way home.
Category: My stories
Curse The Darkness
Someone once said that it’s better to light a candle than curse the darkness, but they didn’t have their house burn down because the candle set their drapes on fire.
Oh, sure, I tried to blow out the flames, but they spread too quickly.
Tear down the drapes and stomp them? They were on fire! What do I grab?
I did manage to blow out the candle, though. But then I needed it to find the fire extinguisher.
I tried to light it off of the drapes.
Nope.
So, my house burned down, and my hand’s got hot wax burns.
The Revolution
People are talking about a revolution with this Occupy Wall Street thing, but I’m not so sure about it.
I’m busy watching television, surfing porn, and eating Big Macs. The most I’ll do is Retweet or Like or Plus One the revolution.
The first man up against the wall when the revolution comes will be Banksy, because he’ll be tagging it with something insightful and cool and clever as the crowd starts lining up the crooked bankers and dirty lawyers and inside traders and economic traitors.
The problem with being famously anonymous is that you can’t prove who you are.
The Skye’s The Limit
He was a music prodigy. Played from the time he was three.
Guitar. Piano.
He could sing, too.
He loved to go out and perform, and folks said “You’re going places.”
It was a shame when he got sick and couldn’t gig anymore.
So, he played his music on the Internet.
Folks around the world got to enjoy him, and they posted YouTubes of his music, bringing in more fans.
When he got better and record labels came calling, he said “Thank you. I’ll never forget you.”
Neither did the lawyers, as the copyright takedown notices spread around the net.
Stick To The Point
Our meetings used to go on far too long and never accomplished anything. People would get off the point too easily, or get mired in conflicting agendas.
So, we hired a barbarian from the steppes of Turkey to manage discussions.
Ugdur doesn’t even need to reach for his flail anymore, let alone whallop anyone with it.
Just by raising his eyebrow, we put down our Blackberries, reach consensus quickly, and get back to work.
Sadly, we had to fire Ugdur.
Caught stealing office supplies, and he attacked the receptionist.
If you’re going to pillage and plunder, stick to the shareholders.
Christmas Wish
It takes a lot of energy to make a wish come true.
The amount of energy depends on the wish.
Little wishes, a little bit of energy.
Big wishes, lots of energy.
Where does the energy come from?
From the mass of the star, of course, based on Einstein’s formula.
You know our sun is a star, right?
Scientists thought we could slow Global Warming by wishing the sun slightly smaller.
But something went wrong. We wished too much of it away.
So, go ahead and sing “We Wish You A Merry Christmas.”
But not like you really mean it.
Elephants
Kelly searched the classifieds for a bathtub big enough to drown an elephant in.
“Money’s no object,” she told herself, wringing her hands. “This is justice.”
It took a flatbed and a crane to deliver it.
However, she never thought about how she’d get it into the house, so the tub ended up in the back yard.
“It’s an above-ground pool,” she told the neighbors, and she hired men to build a deck around it.
“And a ramp,” she said. “A very sturdy ramp.”
She’s sitting on her porch, with a bag of peanuts, waiting… waiting…
Do you hear elephants?
Theater
The old theater was in ruins.
The mayor was an architect, and he drew up plans to revive it.
His wife was good with numbers, and she applied for grants, loan guarantees and stimulus money.
Her brother was a contractor. Another brother handled materials and supplies.
Cousins got hired on to handle the labor, the electric, the pipes, and the rest of the building.
They handled the parking lot, sidewalks, landscaping, and trees, too.
The grand opening was scheduled, posters went up, and so did the theater… in flames.
The mayor’s son sold insurance, and they all vanished like smoke.
Job Market
The job market out there is tough, and everybody’s beefing up their resume with exaggerations and lies.
Me, I’m beefing up my resume with beef.
I started by sending my resume with the finest steaks packed in a cooler with dry ice.
The recruiter threw out the resume and ate the steaks.
Then, I developed a special dye to etch my resume on to the steaks.
The writing vanished as the steaks cooked.
Finally, I made sheets of jerky and printed the resume on those.
By then, the recruiter had died of a heart attack.
And I got his job.
We are not alone
Fred hated everyone and lived alone.
He shopped online and had everything delivered.
He never answered his phone, doorbell, or email.
Every so often, he’d have to go out for something, like doctor or dental checkups. He’d get in the taxi, go his appointment, and come home as quickly as possible.
He wasn’t unhappy.
He just hated people. And liked being alone.
The SETI@Home program on his laptop flashed.
It analyzed signals for extraterrestrial life, and it appeared to find something.
Fred smiled.
Not because there was life out there, but because it meant more life for him to hate.