Unlike the psychics that the police would hire to find missing people, Morgaine Darkstone made people’s heads explode and fire to rain down from the sky.
So, the police hired anti-psychics, psi-resistant specialists who weren’t affected by Morgaine’s dark arts.
Once they had her trapped in the old abandoned Church Of Pain, department sniper-warlocks took her out with a meteor storm.
Her soul bled into the altar, so if you’re looking for the best unholy water, you’ve come to the right place
Ever seen what happens to a wedding where the champagne flutes have been washed with this stuff?
Priceless.
Category: My stories
Count
When I was fat and needed exercise, I’d walk for an hour or two every day.
The problem with walking is that once you burn off the easy weight and get your legs toned, your gut still needs work.
So, I did situps.
At first, I’d count up until I reached my goal, but I’d fall short every time.
Then, I’d count down from my goal to zero, but that didn’t help, either.
That’s when I decided to just do as many as I could, make each one count, and be happy with that.
Isn’t that what life is about?
The Woodwork
I was told that when I was finished my novel, publishers would be coming out of the woodwork.
I dreamed of publishers, crawling out of the walls… my dresser… the floorboards, reaching for me through the darkness…
I’d wake up screaming, thrashing about.
That’s how the accident happened.
My wife tried to wake me up, and I knocked her down, head hitting the lamp…
The trial was a circus, and I ended up with a 20 year sentence.
I finished my novel in prison.
Publishers aren’t coming out of the woodwork for it.
Good. At least I can sleep now.
Anyone For Tennis?
If you were to remove the lungs from an average human and spread them completely out, they’d have the surface area of a tennis court.
It would also get you disqualified from your match. It’s considered bad form to rip out your opponent’s lungs and spread them across the court. Although Andre Agassi coked up enough to do it, some say. And John McEnroe made people think he’d do that to a referee or two.
Then again, seeing how fierce Wimbledon is about playing on grass, I’m sure they’d change to lung-surfaced courts before they’d ever consider clay or concrete.
Making Things
Groucho once said: “Why it’s so simple, a four year-old child could understand it. Now go out and get me a four year old child cause I can’t make head or tail of it.”
His assistants would load up their child-catching van, head to the playground, and capture a four year-old to bring back to Groucho.
Not only did the child not understand, but their parents were disagreeable about the kidnapping.
Most were mollified by an autographed photo, but others insisted on money.
Once, they threatened to press charges.
Harpo killed them. He knew how to keep his mouth shut.
Roughing It
When I was young, we’d go camping.
Well, almost.
It was more of a log cabin-themed motel with pine trees planted in the field by the parking lot.
A bed as uncomfortable as a sleeping bag.
There was a lake, but we never went to it.
Which was good, since I don’t like boats. Or fishing.
Or camping.
There were bugs, though. Lots of them.
I don’t remember any roasting marshmallows or hot dogs, but I do remember a fire.
I think everybody got out in time. I don’t think anybody got hurt.
We drove home.
My bed felt wonderful.
The Tree
I suppose we should go over a few things.
We’ve been fighting over that tree for too long. We need to settle this before it gets out of hand.
First, you said it’s on my side of the property line, so I have to take care of it.
But you took all the fruit from it.
Then, during the storm, I’m supposed to pay for that branch that fell on your house.
So, I cut it down. But you sued me?
That’s why I made a coffin from the wood.
Now sign this release, or I’ll bury you in it.
The Whales All Vanished
One day, the whales all vanished.
So did the dolphins.
And pandas.
And Tasmanian Devils.
And every other species on the planet.
Besides humans.
Then, the lights went out.
Things got really nasty right around then.
You’d think there’d be
A voice
Or something
Telling the human race
“What the fuck?”
A dramatic pause
For emphasis
And then:
“I turn my back
For a few centuries
And this is what you come up with?”
Followed by
A long
Heavy
Sigh.
There’s no point telling
What came after that
Because the
Whales
Pandas
Dolphins
Devils
Really don’t give a shit, Man.
Dog Suit
You know that show where the guy’s dressed in a dog costume?
Leave it to the networks to take a good thing and ruin it.
Everybody’s wearing dog suits now.
And unlike that show where the guy’s wearing the dog costume, the first show with one, it doesn’t work at all for them.
It’s not the writers or the actors or the directors.
It just doesn’t work. You can’t just Cousin Oliver in a guy in an animal costume and make it work.
Except on the evening news.
But Dianne Sawyer is wearing a catsuit.
Ratings have never been higher.
Ozymandias
When I was growing up, I had a lamp with a toy soldier standing next to a cannon and guardhouse.
He had no name.
I wanted to turn the lamp so the soldier watched over me while I slept, but that would turn the cannon to face me, and what if it went off?
Not good.
So, I turned the lamp so the soldier and the cannon faced the door.
I didn’t sleep well at all.
That’s when I tried to turn the soldier on the lamp’s base.
He broke at the shins.
I named him Ozymandias.
And slept well.