Don’t you just love those Christmas-time crime sprees?
Burglars were going through the old apartment building like an Advent calendar.
They robbed each apartment in numerical order, leaving a small chocolate candy and thoughtful Bible verse on the floor for the residents to discover when they returned.
After the third burglary, the cops actually followed up on their promise to send a patrol by to check on things, but they just missed the burglars.
So, the next night, they had a patrolman waiting in the fifth apartment.
They found him bound and gagged the next morning, chocolate in his mouth.
Category: My stories
The Right Man
“One day, you’ll find the right one. You work too hard.”
Remembering her mother’s words; staring at her reflection in the shiny temporal engine, every wrinkle under her tired eyes.
Another night at the lab, alone, hunting for chronatons.
Tonight, she found them, and they exploded.
Nausea… Waking up slowly.
She breathed air so fresh… Outside… Trees… Beautiful clouds… Pristine…
And a man carrying a blood-soaked jawbone, standing next to a body.
She rubbed her forehead. Still a bit dizzy. The lab. The explosion. The-
It had… worked?
The man dropped the weapon, reached down.
“My name’s Lily,” she said.
Conference Call
Ten people in suits walked into a conference room, pulled laptop computers out of their leather satchels, booted them up, and started their virtual conference software.
On ten screens, digital dopplegangers of each attendee appeared, and they sat down on tree stumps around a virtual campfire.
The crackles and pops of the fire cycled for a minute before anyone spoke.
“Anything for the agenda?” one asked.
No response.
“Nothing at all?” they asked again.
Still no response.
“Good. Meeting adjourned.”
The figures vanished from the screens, the laptops were stowed back into their satchels, and the people left the room.
Diversity
The black-cloaked figure slid the clipboard back across the desk.
“No,” it whispered.
The HR rep pushed the clipboard back to the assassin.
“I’m sorry, but we need you to fill out the form. Regulations require it for diversity and fairness purposes. We can’t be seen to discriminate based on race or gender or sexual preference.”
The clipboard slid back.
“No,” the figure whispered. “You pay me, I kill someone. No questions asked.”
K-THUNK! A knife appeared out of nowhere, pinning the clipboard to the desk.
The HR rep scribbled “ALL OF THE ABOVE” and stamped “HIRED” on the form.
Hopeless Romantic
“But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?” said Romeo, walking out of the woods and approaching Juliet’s balcony.
A Martian leaned out the window, took aim, and fired his disruptor rifle at the horny teenager, incinerating him.
Juliet tried to scream, but the stasis field muted her plaintive sounds.
“What about the nurse?” asked another Martian.
The first Martian drew a finger across his throat.
To Romeo, Juliet was the sun.
But to Mars, she would make an excellent breeding-host.
Cargo bays full, the Martian ship extended its wings and silently rose through the puffing clouds into the heavens.
Constant
Over the years, Euler has been my constant companion.
We met totally by chance. Someone gave me his number by mistake. We’ve had smooth sailing since.
Archimedes, on the other hand, has been a constant nuisance.
Keeps sticking his fingers in the pies I bake, poking his digits endlessly in them until they’re a ruined mush.
Then there’s the Feigenbaums. They start out nice and reliable, sure, but over time they’re utterly unpredictable. A constant headache.
I tried to reach out to Khinchin, but he’s just endlessly divisive. Always cutting himself down. A constant bummer, as we sail for Constantinople.
Crazy
Every bench in the park across from City Hall has a homeless person on it.
I feel bad for these lonely and crazy people.
I can’t cure their craziness.
I can’t give them all homes.
But maybe I can make them a little less lonely.
So, I’m petitioning the city to get rid of half of the benches.
That way, instead of each getting their own bench, they have to share them with someone else.
Then they’ll not be lonely anymore. They’ll have someone to sit with.
Why don’t I sit with them?
What do you think I am? Crazy?
Perfect
Ted had never bowled a perfect game before.
However, after eleven strikes in a row, he was one away from scoring 300 for the first time in his life.
He finished his beer, wiped his hands on his shirt, and picked up the ball.
One more, he whispered to it. You’ve got one more in you.
He set his grip one more time, looked down the lane, and…
That’s when his heart gave out.
Ted collapsed, the ball came loose from his grasp, and it rolled through the pins.
Strike.
The ball had one more in it, but not Ted.
Damned
Single mom with terminal brain cancer.
The experimental medicine keeping her alive is killing her.
Take it, and it keeps the brain tumor in check, but healthy braincells die.
Don’t take it, and the tumor grows and spreads, which will eventually kill her.
She’s scared out of her skull, sent the kids away for the weekend, and called me.
“Find me a third option,” she says.
“Sure,” I say.
Before I left that night, I blew out the pilot lights, and turned off the gas alarm.
Her kids came home early, didn’t want to wake her.
They fell asleep, too.
The Lion And The Lamb
Eve listened to the serpent, ate from Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, and Adam joined her.
When God found out, He cursed the serpent, Eve, and Adam.
As for the rest of the plants and animals, what a raw deal!
After all, it wasn’t the emu or platypus’ fault that the serpent was a prick, right?
Oak trees and mangroves weren’t involved at all. The fig was just an innocent bystander, an unwilling hostage providing cover.
The worst of it was all the bugs and mold swarming The Tree Of Life.
Damn things are impossible to kill now.