Category: Abraham Lincoln

Abraham imagined himself a swashbuckler, hurling insults at Jefferson Davis as they slashed their cutlasses at each other.
All around them, pirates cheering and shouting, fighting amongst themselves.
Lincoln found himself caught up in the moment and yelled something he”d later regret.
“Take back that comment about my mother,” shouted Davis.
“Never!” laughed Lincoln. “I would rather die than take back a word.”
Davis parried Lincoln”s sword aside and ran him through the chest.
“Okay, what if I said it about your aunt and not your mother?” wheezed Lincoln.
(This is about when Lincoln felt that “regret” I referenced earlier.)

The White House Carpenter was passed out drunk again, propped up against a sawhorse and snoring.
Abe desperately needed the kitchen table leveled. Mary Todd was long past tired of the wobble.
He tapped the carpenter with his shoe.
Nothing.
Mary Todd yelled out through the kitchen window, telling Abe to fire the drunk carpenter.
Abe yelled back: “He has acted badly in this matter, but we must use what tools we have.”
That night, the table still wobbled.
The next day, Mary Todd put poison in the carpenter’s whiskey, killing him.
“Wonderful,” moaned Abe. “Who will build his coffin?”

Abraham Lincoln dragged himself to the bathroom and contemplated the shabby, reed-thin figure that stared back at him.
His knees buckled, and he leaned on a chair to remain standing.
“I must say I do not think myself fit for the Presidency,” he muttered.
“Of course you aren’t,” said Mary Todd. “But think of it this way, dear – you’re much healthier than Douglas.”
“Douglas died last year,” said Lincoln.
“Exactly,” said Mary Todd. “And when I last checked, zombies couldn’t be presidents.”
Lincoln sighed with relief. And then, he wondered aloud: “So why do I still hunger for brains?”

The clock struck twelve, and Abraham Lincoln was hungry.
He pounded his fists on the kitchen table.
“Where’s my supper, wife?” he yelled.
“There is no supper today, beloved,” said Mary Todd.
“No supper?” Abe roared.
“No supper,” said Mary Todd. “Kitchen’s closed.”
“Fine,” said Abe. “I shall go to the wall for bread and meat.”
Abe left the kitchen, and Mary Todd scratched her head.
What did Abe mean by ‘the wall’?
Ten hours later, the exhausted president returned, covered in tar and feathers.
“What in God’s name happened?” asked Mary Todd.
“They were out of meat,” said Abe.

Abraham Lincoln liked to stop by the War Department to see what machines his scientists were making.
They showed him a massive cannon.
“Is there anything bigger than that?” said Abe.
“We have our limits,” said the scientists. “Only so much destruction can be harnessed before a man loses his humanity.”
“As commander in chief,” he said, “in time of war, I suppose I have a right to take any measure which may best subdue the enemy.
So, they built a bigger cannon.
And fired it.
When Abe opened his eyes, he said “Um, wasn’t it a full moon tonight?”

During the war, Abraham noticed a curious phenomenon among the embassies in Washington.
Ambassadors went from nice to rude, and then to downright ugly towards visitors.
“Why is this?” asked Lincoln of his Secretary of State.
“A nation which endures factious domestic division is exposed to disrespect abroad,” said William Seward.
“That’s fine and dandy,” said Lincoln. “But we’re not abroad.”
Seward invited the French Ambassador to visit the White House.
He did, and promptly insulted the President at first opportunity.
Lincoln kicked him in the groin and threw him out the door.
“Give my regards to Paris,” said Abe.