Category: Weekly Challenge

• Tura
• Richard
• Tom
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Jared
• Planet Z

TURA

After
———
After, he would think back on what she might have done if she had foreseen how he would have gone back to tell her what had been about to have happened but for her earlier appearance just before they would have travelled back to before it would all become the dead past.

They would live happily ever after, they would struggle against adversity. They would travel to the stars, they would make paradise on Earth, they would conquer an empty universe, they would hold commerce with aliens.

But in a world with time machines, all tenses are merely future conditional.

RICHARD

After the explosion

After the explosion there was… Nothing.

After the flash of brilliant white light, we were blind; corneas burned out, eyes -sightless and useless.

After the shockwave, we were deaf; eardrums burst, hearing lost forever.

After the searing heat, there was no pain. Nerve endings destroyed, all feeling and sensation lost. Nothing to tell us our flesh had melted and our bones had charred.

No sight.

No sound.

No feeling.

Yet some still live, if that’s what you can call it.

But we are the last of them.

And we will not survive.

And there will be nobody to come after.

SERENDIPIDY

It was a lovely service, the old girl would have loved it. Those old, rousing hymns, and such a beautiful, heartfelt eulogy.

Packed church too. I’m not sure whether it was because she had so many friends, or whether everyone wanted to make sure she really was gone.

She’d have laughed at that!

It was while we were lowering the coffin, after the service had ended, that you might have imagined a muffled thumping from inside the casket.

It was probably just your imagination.

Trust me, there’s no cause for concern.

I made sure to weld that sucker tightly shut!

TOM

What Could Go Possible Wrong 007

Parker press through the door of the Arms. Without a pause he got to competing offers of engagement. A table of his mate deep into their fourth pint, and the bartender beckoning him forward. Not one to forgo a pint nor one to shirk his duty to his faculty advisor, Paker raised a finger to his mates and dropped in the stroll in front of the Barkeep. “Your Parker.” half a question half a statement. The underclassman noded. Across the bar an ancient parchment slide. Had to be over 200 years old. Inside it read: Parker don’t binge.

What Could Go Possible Wrong 008

When Ford entered the taxi door everything went back. But in that moment, he was able to get a short: FU Arnesto. Normally all our Afters accrue in a tide line awaiting our arivial, and equally cued up behind us. Not so much when you’re in a temporal taxi with the 1st Time Lord to the Queen. 200 years of After mushed up into 45 seconds is never a pleasant experience. It was one of the many reasons he was only the second TLOQ. When After stopped at now he grabbed for Cervante’s neck. “Not Happy.” he raged. “Sorry Mate.”

NORVAL JOE

Billbert hung in the air, two feet above the ground, baffled after such an unspectacular reaction from Sabrina. He lowered himself back down, shaking his head. “What do you mean, so? I can fly.”
Sabrina rolled her eyes. “You weren’t flying. You were probably standing on a box. People are always trying to impress me with cheap parlor tricks.”
Billbert reached for her hand, but she jerked it away.
“What are you doing?” Sabrina challenged.
“You don’t believe me,” Billbert said. “Just take my hand.”
Tentatively she placed her hand in his. An instant later, the ground was far below.

JARED

Escape

I held what used to be my undershirt around my arm. I had made it into the car, but not without cost. Opening the door and getting in had allowed that monster to get close enough to slash at me, catching my arm just before I closed the door.

The rain pelted the windshield as the darkness engulfed us. Neither of us knew this road, but we knew our only hope of escaping whatever it was that was after us would be to turn off the headlights and hope it couldn’t see in the dark well enough to track us.

PLANET Z

You’ve been driving a while, but you’ve got a long drive ahead.
The streetlights turn on a little before the sun goes down.
If you’re driving into the sun, and you’ve got your sunglasses on, you might still need to flip your visor down.
You’ll turn on your lights, unless you’ve got automatic lights.
And your dashboard sensor will change from day to night mode.
To keep the glare off of the inside of the front glass.
Stop at a gas station. Fill it up again.
Take a few minutes. Rest your eyes.
As the sun heads under the horizon.

• Richard
• Norval Joe
• Serendipidy
• Jared
• Planet Z

RICHARD

Binge

I can’t understand how people binge on box sets, have movie marathons, or watch a whole season in one session.

After sitting through just one film, my seat is feeling uncomfortable, I’m getting a little bored and irritable, and my inner voice is prompting me to get up and do something more productive instead.

I’m that person who never made it half-way through Gladiator!

Give me a decent book though, and hours can pass before I put it down.

And, invariably, at the end, I’ll find myself thinking, ‘that would make an awesome movie’

But, I wouldn’t watch it!

NORVAL JOE

Billbert and Sabrina walked through the cold afternoon mist to the back doors to the girls and boys locker room. They stood next to a soda machine that the students binged empty each time as soon as it was filled. Everyone else appeared to be waiting for the class bell where it was warm in the cafeteria, the library, or even just hanging out in the halls.
“What did you want to show me?” Sabrina asked.
“Watch this,” Billbert said, holding his hands out to his sides. He slowly rose off the ground.
Sabrina raised a single slender eyebrow. “So?”

SERENDIPIDY

I don’t like to be pigeonholed, but if you must insist, I’d rather you didn’t tar me with the same brush as others, just because their activities follow a similar pattern.

I am not a serial killer, never gone on a killing spree, and I’m no assassin or professional hitman.

If anything, I’d have to describe myself as a binge killer.

You know how it goes… I behave myself, sometimes for months on end, then something happens, maybe a celebratory occasion, or bad news, and I just go a bit overboard.

And yes, I always feel dreadful the morning after!

JARED

Binge Therapy

He learned to binge-eat himself into a food coma to silence his insecurities. He learned how to binge-drink himself into oblivion to subdue his memories. He had tried binge shopping, but that hadn’t done anything but drain his wallet. His newest therapy was to binge-watch himself into a stupor to distract the boredom. But now he was truly lost for medicine. What could he binge on to ease the rage and frustration he felt when the woman he was supposed to grow old with was taken before they were even grandparents? Maybe he could try binge killing the assholes responsible.

PLANET Z

Back in the day, you had to watch shows when the stations aired them.
Then came videotape, and you could buy the series.
Waiting for them to come all at once, and then watch them all in one sitting.
Same with DVDs and Blu-Rays.
When online came about, you could get the disks streamed when they were released.
Until… the day came that a whole series would be released all at once.
Everyone would binge watch it, and work the next day would be people sleeping in or talking about the series.
I’d sick out, just to avoid the spoilers.

• Lizzie
• Richard
• Tom
• Norval Joe
• Serendipidy
• Jared
• Planet Z

NORVAL JOE

Billbert blinked. “What? No! I’m not a pervert. But it is something personal, so we need to go where people can’t see us.”
“Okay. We’ll see,” Sabrina said gathering up her lunch trash. She carried it to a garbage can and ceremoniously dumped it as if following a prescribed disposal protocol. Billbert threw his away without any added flourish.
“Where do you want to go?” Sabrina asked. “There aren’t many empty spaces around the school at lunch time.
Fortunately, the day was overcast and chilly and most the students stayed in doors.
Billbert pointed. “Over by the locker room doors.”

JARED

She Couldn’t Believe What They Saw

Everyone knew the Watkins place was haunted. Unless you asked them. Awa decided to broach the subject at Evan and Flora’s slumber party. It escalated quickly:

“I double-dog dare you to sneak into the Watkins house with me.”

Evan would have refused if Flora hadn’t been there. Thus, the three of them found themselves sneaking into a house none of them wanted to be in.

They ceremoniously followed the rituals of investigating scary houses, opening doors one by one.

“This one’s empty, too,” Awa pouted. Evan and Flora looked to each other for reassurance – they could see something Awa couldn’t.

TOM

What Could Go Possible Wrong 006

Ford tucked the ball under his arm, made a wide turn to pass through the north gate. “So spill it Cervantes.” “Whatever do you mean Ford?” “Look around you, I don’t need to Level – up. If fact I’m not in play anymore. I’m not the guy. Just a dusty Don, chairing a dusty department. Point Set Match old friend.” Cervantes hailed a taxi. As the hack rolled up to the curb Arnesto lend in to Ford “You saved my life once, sir you have a unique skill set. Her royal presence is charging you to keep this sorry Spaniard alive.”

SERENDIPIDY

You’ll never know it, but you saved my life.

Your generosity and the miracles of medical science restored me to health and saved me from almost certain death.

Your heart, beats within my breast, your kidneys cleanse the poisons from my system, and your corneas gave me back my sight.

I grant you that it’s unusual to take the organs from a donor whilst they’re still living, but my needs were pressing.

And, as I gaze on the empty spaces where your organs used to lie, I smile.

“Cheer up, maybe we’ll find a donor to put you right too!”

LIZZIE

You saved my life and then you followed the disposal protocol. “I must keep moving,” you said. And I knew you meant climbing that money ladder. You grabbed my hand to pull me out of that hole they had hidden me in. Those were the worst 5 days of my life, I thought. But… no. That was not true because the worst 5 days of my life were… now. You barked “No need to shower her.” And you pointed at me. I smiled at the thought that the kidnappers had been kinder than you and your petty little nauseous vengeance.

RICHARD

Rest in peace

We decided that the captain should be disposed of in a manner befitting his station and reflecting the esteem in which he was held.

Ivan, as usual, insisted we follow the rules and adhere to the Disposal Protocol, but he was outvoted – the captain merited better than being torpedoed from the craft in a tube.

We wrapped him in a white shroud, and watched through the portholes as his body drifted slowly from the airlock.

Before being sucked into a booster, instantly shredding his body, and destroying our only means of propulsion.

“Told you to follow the Protocol”, sighed Ivan.

PLANET Z

Martin wrote “Disposal protocol for immortal beings” on a cover sheet, put it in the folder, and dropped it in his Out box.
The Agency didn’t use computers or email or other modern communication.
It used paper, pens, and files and folders stored in filing cabinets and warehouses.
“The Entity can manipulate electricity,” says The Director.
The underground factory produces lead-lined sarcophagi.
In which the captured subjects are sealed and buried.
With every delivery, Martin signs the intake forms.
Assigns storage locations.
100 units per storage area.
Which are then filled with concrete.
And the next storage location is opened.

• Lizzie
• Richard
• Tom
• Norval Joe
• Serendipidy
• Planet Z

LIZZIE

What have you done? They put two and two together. They found out. You ran, hid, wore hats and dresses. Ridiculous. What for? What a waste of time. You should’ve run away. What have you done? Yes, you have killed them all, haven’t you? That’s what they’ll say. And here you were, so full of myself. You answered their questions, all of their questions, and you can’t even remember the answers anymore, you buffoon, thinking you could outsmart them all. What now? Now… Now you’re in deep shit. But you’ve escaped once and you’ll escape again. For how much longer?

RICHARD

Heat of the moment

I didn’t exactly have what you might call an exciting life. It’s really pretty mundane: Get up, shower, get dressed, go to work, watch TV in the evenings, followed by bed.

Then, one morning, I saw the ad: ‘Space settlers wanted’.

For some reason it caught my imagination, and frustrated by the bus to work being late for the third time in a week, in the heat of the moment, I dialled the number and applied.

My life hasn’t really changed at all.

I do exactly the same things as I did before, only twelve million miles away in space.

TOM

What Could Go Possible Wrong 005

Also not missing an opportunity to show off the underclassman spun the
ball up and popped in arch into Ford left hand. “Be a good chap Parker and
head down to the Arms and get us a table. The pone Parker back-fliped up
and took off at a run. “Thought we were head to the library?” inquired
Arnesto. “Because half MI6 will be listened in.” Cervantes start to
sheepishly humming a yet to be written Asia song. “Heat of the Moment,
last time I hear that I was the Dancing on a volcano.” “Just a trick of
the tale, Ford”

NORVAL JOE

“Yes,” Billbert said standing up and looked around at the students in the cafeteria, all in their own worlds, unaware they had ostracized one of their fellow students. “I am willing to take a stand and get labeled a freak.”
However, as he took a deep breath to make his declaration, the heat of the moment suddenly cooled and he found he couldn’t get the words to come out of his mouth.
He sat back down. “Are you done with your lunch? There’s something I want to show you.”
Sabrina looked at him sideways. “You’re not a pervert, are you?”

SERENDIPIDY

Do you know just how many people suddenly snap, and end up killing someone in the heat of the moment?

An argument that veers out of control, a bad day at work, the proverbial ‘last straw’; and suddenly there’s a smoking gun in your hand, a bloodied knife on the floor or a toaster slowly fizzing in the bath.

And somebody, who until very recently, was very much alive, and now, isn’t.

Trouble is, the heat of the moment is so unpredictable.

I could never be accused of that.

Cold, calculating, and callous, maybe.

But hot headed and unpredictable?

Never!

PLANET Z

Nathan can check the temperature on his watch and on his phone with multiple apps.
His computer’s browser has a weather bug in the status bar, and there’s an indicator in the information panel.
And there’s a sensor on the car’s dashboard.
And, yet, he relies on a simple thermometer he’s mounted to the rail of his front porch.
There’s something to be said about watching the red mercury go up and down… or is it colored alcohol in there?
Doesn’t matter.
As for rain, storms, hurricanes… if the thermometer is missing, well, the wind’s too much.
Better go inside.

• Lizzie
• Richard
• Tom
• Norval Joe
• Serendipidy
• Jared
• Ryan
• Planet Z

JARED

The Tale of Nasty Nate
‘Thomas Jefferson established a precedent in 1801 with the Barbary pirates, and I will not change tack with these Somali pirates: the United States of America does not kowtow to pirates. We will utilize all strategic force at our disposal to bring the crew and their ship home.’

“Tough words. Over to you, Kathy.”

“Thanks, Phil-“

Nathan didn’t hear Kathy’s news report. He was lost in imagination: pirates are still real:

|Captain Nasty Nate was a salty sea dog. Not a ship we’re a-sail what didn’t quake are the sight of his Jolly Roger.

“Avast, ye whelps, and heave to!”

NORVAL JOE

Billbert didn’t think it was right that Sabrina should be unfairly labeled. “This isn’t fair that people should treat you so badly. You ought to complain to the principal or the PTA or someone.”
Sabrina shook her head in resignation. “There’s no sense fighting it. It’s over. I’ll just live with it as it is.”
Billbert filled with righteous indignation. “It might be over to you, but it’s not to me. I won’t stand for this.”
A sad smile crossed Sabrina’s face. “What are you going to do, Billbert? Make a big deal and get labeled a freak like me?”

TOM

What Could Go Possible Wrong 004

Ford changed his angle of direction by 5 degrees, swinging wide of the
library and toward the athletic field. “ Remember the 97 game,” mused
Cervantes. Ford caught the shadow of sphere making its way towards
Arnesto’s head. Up field a voice yelled “ Over to you.” A underclassmen
slid just below Arnesto’s arm. Without so much a glance he block the man
and caught the ball. As the pone play looked up Arnesto caused the ball
to dance across his back knuckles. “Show Off.” chirped Ford. “Gifted Ford,
most favored by God.” He drop the ball on the underclassman’s nose.

SERENDIPIDY

Vlad was tired of the killing people business.

He’d started to find the shooting and slashing, garrotting and gashing had become somewhat distasteful, and he was fed up with washing bloodstains out of his decent shirts.

He couldn’t quit though; the money was just too good.

Neither could he trust others to do his dirty work for him: You couldn’t get decent staff these days, and those who were any good were too costly.

So, he built himself a supervillain lair, complete with shark tank and trapdoor.

“Over to you, boys” he’d chuckle, as he pressed the big red button.

LIZZIE

hey sat in silence, the three of them, in a luxurious room that was not meant for them.
“We tried.”
Outside, everyone scrambled to save themselves.
“Yes, we did.”
The icy water didn’t stop people from jumping.
“Why bother?”
“We could make it.”
“You think?”
They laughed and held up their glasses filled with the best whiskey.
And they sat in silence again.
Suddenly, they heard a deafening noise.
Water. Lots of water.
They knew the end was near.
“Bottoms up, boys!”
“Over to you…” And they looked up. They had never believed in God.
Fear changes everything, doesn’t it?

RICHARD

A to G Major

Some would say grandpa was a brilliant composer, but lacking imagination in other areas.

He couldn’t, for example, be bothered with naming his compositions, preferring instead to file them alphabetically in an old filing cabinet in his study.

A bit quirky, but I suppose some of the greatest composers simply gave their pieces a number… Beethoven’s Fifth, anyone?

My personal favourite was ‘Jazz Variations B to C’, but his greatest commercial success was his rock opera ‘D’.

You may not be familiar with it, but I bet you’ve heard its iconic opening number, used in countless movie soundtracks: ‘Overture U’!

RYAN

THE GAME

A smile crawled across his face, and as he threw down a full house, Aces over Jacks, he announces, “It’s over to you.”

She hated how the Kilarkins still butchered Earth’s languages, but laying down her royal flush she responded with, “No, it’s over to you.” She could see the disappointment in his face as she only had her bra and panties left to wager.

Realizing he had lost, this towering humanoid stood and removed his last piece of clothing. She had to fight not to laugh as she now understood why all of their women were dating Earth men.

PLANET Z

Towards the end of his news anchoring career, Don Bobson’s dementia was bad.
He’d look away from the cameras and talk to his cohorts about whatever was on his mind.
The weather, the game.
How much his latest girlfriend pissed off his ex-wife.
The station offered to buy out Don’s contract, but he refused to step down.
Cutting him loose would cause a huge stink in the community and ratings.
So, they built a second studio and hired a replacement.
Running two newscasts at the same time.
One went out on the air.
And the other, Don.
Reading to nobody.

• Lizzie
• Richard</li>
• Tom
• Norval Joe
• Serendipidy
• Planet Z

LIZZIE

We looked at the letter, a small candle leading our doubts.
“He disappeared such a long time ago,” my friend said.
I nodded and reread the letter.
“Maybe this is an old letter, written a long time ago,” she insisted.
I nodded, my brain going over every detail. I knew he hadn’t written the letter.
“Did you tell anyone?” she asked in a whisper.
I shook my head.
“Then I shall clear our names,” she barked.
“Our names?” I asked, a grin on my face. “You mean… your name.”
We had buried him that night.
But I wrote the letter.

RICHARD

Mrs Doubtful

I got the idea from that Robin Williams’ movie.

Like his character, I was desperate to see my kids, and would do whatever it took to achieve that; even if it meant dressing as a woman, adopting a fake accent and fooling the ex into employing me as a housekeeper.

I called myself, Mrs Doubtful – mainly because, I didn’t think the plan would work.

How right I was.

The family court decided that a crossdressing fantasist, willing to employ deception to gain entry to his estranged wife’s property was definitely not the sort to be around children.

Not a chance!

TOM

What Could Go Possible Wrong 003

Ford did not slow or quicken his step. A wry smile settled on his lips,
the product of a rising string of memories. Without turning Ford said,
“Doubtful is day will end in quiet repose. Arnesto, will I need one are
two bags?” “Oh, Ford why do you think travel when I appear. Couldn’t this
be just an opportunity for two very old friends to exchange pleasantries?
“ “Not where you’re toting that vermilion case.” “Oh, this silly thing.
Nothing more than … “ “ A charge from the Queen of England.” “Found me
out old man, where can we talk.

NORVAL JOE

Billbert scratched his head and asked Samantha, “If it wasn’t your parents that caused everyone to avoid you, was it your grandparents, or who do you live with, anyway?”
Samantha took a deep breath and some of the redness faded from her cheeks. “I’ve lived with my aunt since I was just a baby. She’s a little eccentric, and because of that, everyone is afraid I am too.”
“You don’t seem strange to me. Can’t you show them you’re not like her?” Billbert asked.
Sabrina shook her head. “Once you’ve been given a label it’s doubtful that anyone would even listen.”

SERENDIPIDY

The priest seemed a little doubtful of his abilities when it came to dealing with the demonic.

He stood over my bed, where I lay, restrained and bound tightly by my wrists and ankles, then nervously muttered a few words of prayer, before waving his bible in my general direction, and sprinkling a spritz of holy water over my forehead.

It was clear that he had little faith in his actions.

When I tore free from my bonds, vomited in his face, and crawled across the ceiling, he howled in terror and ran screaming from the room.

As if possessed!

PLANET Z

Billy was what they called a self-taught artist.
Historians call it a naive or primitive style.
He painted for years before he was discovered by the New York Times art critic.
After that, everything Billy painted, it sold.
And it sold for a lot of money.
Billy was too busy being rich and famous to paint.
So, he designed, and other painters painted for him.
By the time Billy died, the shill art critic was revealed to have gotten a cut of the money.
The painters were all shunned for being in on the scam.
And Billy’s paintings were burned.

• Lizzie
• Richard</li>
• Tom
• Tura
• Norval Joe
• Jared
• Serendipidy
• Planet Z

TURA

The Universal Joint
———
At the Universal Joint, you can get anything you want, if it’s about pot. Bongs, pipes, rolling papers. Hippie tie-dye clothing, hippie beads, 60s psychedelic posters, acid zines, spacey meditation CDs, Indian inspired jewellery, Tibetan prayer flags, everything.

You want hash? How about our cannabis beers and wines? Hemp petits fours? Hemp seed cooking oil? Hemp moisturising cream? A daily journal, hand-made from hemp fibre paper? Hemp briquettes for your wood-burning stove?

What, you want to ”get high”? Be off with you, young man, before I call the police! This is a respectable neighbourhood, we don’t want potheads around here!

RICHARD

Roulette

The atmosphere was tense as we faced each other, unblinking, across the table.

He slowly took a bullet from the box, inspected it carefully, then slipped it into the chamber, snapping the barrel closed, and giving it a good spin, before gently placing the piece down again.

“So, d’ya wanna go first, or second? Your call, bro, I’m easy.”

By way of a reply, I took hold of the gun, held the barrel to my head, and pulled the trigger.

There was a click, then silence.

I slid the gun across the table.

Then watched him blow his brains out.

LIZZIE

Some might say that nothing changed. The empty room was still empty. The beautiful view was still beautiful. The cranky neighbor was still cranky. When I asked the neighbor why you weren’t picking up the phone, he shrugged. “But where did she go?” I asked and he walked away. I just stood there, in the middle of an empty room, looking at the beautiful view, wondering. I still had that photo we took together in Brazil, laughing like two lunatics, two happy lunatics. When I terminated the lease on the apartment, I noticed that B, drawn on the dusty kitchen counter.

SERENDIPIDY

Where did they go?

Well, some of them, I chopped up and fed them to the local stray dogs, others, I threw into the river, weighted down with concrete blocks, whilst for those a little more off the beaten track, it was a shallow, unmarked grave.

There’s a million ways to dispose of a body, if you know what you’re doing.

Some methods, of course, are more effective than others, and for excellent results every time, I highly recommend the good old fashioned acid bath.

I’ve got a body brewing in one right now, in a barrel out the back.

TOM

“It was the Fall of new century,” dryly stated Ford, “Oxford was turning
brown, swirls of leaves drifted around my feet.” Hamilton interjected:
“Before the rebels took the campus?” Ford looked off to his right trying
to assemble space into a responsive time. “Yes, dear boy. A gentler time,
before the barrels on the roofs. But that would be another tale. Perhaps
later?” “Where was I … oh on my way to the library. I had just made it
the door when I hear a voice over my shoulder.” “Some might say a strong
wind blows against the empire.”

NORVAL JOE

The noise in the lunch room and the distance the rest of the students universally kept allowed Billbert and Sabrina to talk openly.
“The other students have treated you this way your whole life?” Billbert asked. “Is it because your parents are…magic users?”
Sabrina shook her head, “Full disclosure. My parents haven’t been in my life for many years.”
Before he could realize he was putting his foot in his mouth, Billbert asked, “Where did they go?”
Her face turned a dangerous shade of red. “Some might say they weren’t cut out for parenting and chose to pursue other interests.”

JARED

Cheesy Meatball Mushrooms

I wouldn’t know, but if you’ve consumed the gentle herb, try these:

6 Brown mushroom caps, minimum 1” across, no stems

3 Meatballs, cooked and split

2 Tablespoons EVOO

2 Teaspoons kosher salt

3 Tablespoons marinara sauce

¼ cup of Italian blend shredded cheese

Preheat oven to 400*F

Toss mushroom caps in oil and place upside down on baking sheet. Sprinkle with salt. Bake for 12 minutes, or until softened.

Spoon proportional amounts of marinara sauce into caps. Place meatball half, round side down, into sauce. Cover each with cheese. Finish baking for 6 minutes, or until cheese is melted.

PLANET Z

Some street hustlers and table magicians use the traditional three playing cards for Three Card Monte scams.
Others use cups and balls, from cheap Red Solo cups to brushed silver cups.
They let you win the first time, then reel you in.
I know this guy who uses a lit joint instead of the ball.
Shuffles the cups around, the mark feels the cups and lifts the warm one.
Then they look up, and see the joint in the guy’s mouth.
Another guy uses big barrels and a bowling ball.
But no matter what they use, they’ll get your money.

• Terry Tee
• Lizzie
• Richard</li>
• Tom
• Tura
• Norval Joe
• Serendipidy
• Planet Z

TERRY TEE

Again.

Where do I begin

to tell the story

of how great

a love can be,

wait,

that’s not how the story goes.

They left me here,

It was to be a quick survey of the planet but no, the other crew must play a prank on poor old

Engineer Technician #2

“Oh Look” they said “Over there in the clearing, isn’t that a category #10 structure?”

Of course, my curiosity gets the better of me and off I go to check it out.

And away they go, leaving me behind again.

Well, it’s time for ET to phone home again.

LIZZIE

“Maybe they want… No, they don’t. They just want information, nothing else. That’s why they are sitting in that shabby hut. I can smell them from here. They just want a snitch and I’m no snitch. I am committed to the cause. This small house by the river is the perfect place to keep an eye on them. They have no idea I’m here. None.” And he chuckled.
When the window shattered, a single shot coming from the shabby hut, he fell.
“Where do I begin…” said the sniper at his debriefing. “If you hesitate, you’re done, and he hesitated.”

RICHARD

Short story

Experience has taught me that most writers these days are pretty good at opening chapters – they are, after all, the bait to lure both publishers and readers in – but things often go rapidly downhill from there.

I’ve lost count of the number of books where I’ve reached the final pages, and it’s abundantly clear that the author doesn’t have a clue how to wrap things up or come to a decent conclusion.

So, I always begin at the end, and if the final chapter is pretty compelling, there’s a good chance the rest of the book is worth reading too.

TOM

What Could Possibility Go Wrong #001

Hamilton pulled up a stately winged leather chair next the white hair old
man. His advanced age made him appear a cross between Santa and Einstein.
Yet on closer examination the bright blue of ageless eyes signaled a near
nefarious intent. Unfolding the weather note book, Hamilton began the
interview will the same question the public at large had been dying to
know since Maximum Ford had walked out Rift. Or should I say Sir Ford
second Time Lord of the Queen: Where is Arnesto Cervantes? Hoarsely Ford
replied,” Where do I begin.” And he did much to Hamilton surprise.

TURA

Where do I begin?
———
At the age of seventy-five I decided to write my autobiography, being full of years and accomplishments, yet still reasonably expecting time enough to complete the task. But where to begin?

My own birth would be the obvious place, but first I would have to give some account of my parents, and then the cultural circumstances that brought them together. But that implied a whole social history of their era, and the deep tides of civilisation that produced it, which in turn— and so on.

After long consideration, I wrote the first words. “Fourteen billion years ago, the universe began.”

JARED

799/800: Questionable Accounting
The accounting system for thoughts and opinions is rather confusing. Someone asking for your opinion is worth ‘a penny for your thoughts’. But sharing an opinion unbidden, one ‘offers their two cents’. Is the one cent difference a penalty for not waiting to be asked? Or are they both just starting positions for negotiations? I offer my two cents; do you haggle to pay me less? You offer me a penny for my thoughts, do I hold out for more? What if the extra penny is actually supposed to be funding all the nickels someone gets for ‘every time they…’?

——————————
801: The Stuttering Storyteller
It all started the night I caught her sneaking out on me a month ago. I had noticed her behavior had become erratic and had grown suspicious. I guess that means it started before then.

So, I would have to say it started a few months before, when I noticed her schedule became unpredictable. She was very reliable in terms of when I could expect her home. At least, ever since she changed shifts at work. Although now that I put it like that, maybe that’s where to begin. Anyway, now she’s dead, and I don’t know who killed her.

NORVAL JOE

Sabrina had been right when she told Billbert that they had all the same classes, and he followed her from room to room. She had also been truthful when she said the other students all spoke behind her back.
They sat together at lunch and it was clear the other students were giving the two of them strange looks.
Billbert asked, “What happened that these people want to treat you so badly?”
Sabrina sighed and stared sadly at her tuna fish sandwich, “Where do I begin? I’ve lived here my whole life and people have always treated me this way.”

SERENDIPIDY

Where do I begin?

Usually just below the nape of the neck: A long, straight cut along the ridge of the spine, finishing in the small of the back.

Precision is everything, cut too deep and they bleed profusely, too shallow and you’ll tear the skin.

You’ll want to be able to peel it apart at the shoulders, draw it forward and slide it from their arms, like removing a wetsuit.

Be sure to administer morphine, or their screams will distract you.

Finally, when they’re properly peeled, slip yourself into their skin, and see what it’s like being somebody else.

PLANET Z

Where do I begin? asked God to nobody.
God started with a giraffe.
It thrashed about and then floated limply through the void.
“Bummer,” said God.
God made a few billion more giraffes, and they all did pretty much the same thing.
Giraffes floated around and bumped into each other.
“That didn’t work out so well,” said God.
God pondered somewhere to put the giraffes.
And created the heavens and the earth.
Dead giraffes plummeted from the heavens to earth, making a mess.
God eventually edited this part out from the official version of Genesis.
But the giraffes never forgot.

• Lizzie
• Richard
• Tom
• Tura
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LIZZIE

If I had a nickel for every time I back-paddled, I’d be rich, he thought. He was the kind of man who never had a clear opinion. He often used the word “potentially”. It sounded grand, but he wanted to be left alone, that’s all. The problem was that he never wished to be a CEO. He just wanted to get the money, which was very good, and paddle his boat around the lake at his mountain cottage. Work was such a waste of time. He sneered and tossed a nickel into the deep dark waters, making a wish… again.

RICHARD

Nickel

Every day it’s the same, running the gauntlet of all the hobo’s as I make my way to work.

“Can you spare a nickel, sir?”

No, absolutely not!

If I had a nickel for every time somebody asked me if I could spare a nickel… Well, I could probably afford to spare it.

But then what?

I’d be all out of spare nickels, and the next down and out would end up doing without!

So, I’m going to save up my nickels, and if ever I happen to fall on hard times myself, I’ll have plenty going spare for myself.

TOM

Cite Your Source
If I had a nickel for every time someone misquoted H. L. Mencken I’d be
able to buy that Tesla I have been lusting after. The quote go like this:
No one in this world, so far as I know—and I have searched the records for
years, and employed agents to help me—has ever lost money by
underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people.
I know he was sort of dick in real life. Did much care for chiropractors:
quackery flourishing lushly; he wrote nearly a hundred years ago.He wrote
when a newspaper cost a nickle.

TURA

If I had a nickel for every time
———
I’ve heard all the excuses.

“Sorry I didn’t hand in my homework, the dog chewed it up.”

“…I had to go to China for my grandmother’s funeral.”

“…the computer crashed.”

“…the exercises are impossible, it’s not fair.”

“…I really tried, isn’t that worth something?”

“…a virus ate it.”

“…I was feeling a bit under the weather.”

“…I don’t want to hand in anything less than my best.”

“…I’m triggered by any sort of demand.”

“…I’m problematising the pass/fail binary”

I just tell them, “Hey, if I had a nickel for every time that’s really happened, I’d be flat broke.”

SERENDIPIDY

If I had a nickel for every time I tell my kids not to pull faces, I could afford to pay for a child minder.

Unfortunately, I’m stuck with minding them myself, and it sucks!

And now they’re at it again, pulling faces behind my back.

“Don’t do that!” I say, “if the wind changes, you’ll stay that way!”

And they did.

Although it wasn’t exactly wind.

And their faces didn’t exactly stay the same.

It was an industrial hot air paint stripper, wielded by a mother who’d completely lost her sanity.

But they didn’t pull faces again.

They couldn’t!

NORVAL JOE

Billbert grabbed the back of Sabrina’s puffy coat. “Wait. Are you saying you really are a witch?”
She shot daggers from her eyes. “I told you about that witch word. If I had a nickel for every time someone called me that…” She shook her head ruefully. “Well. I’d have a whole sack full of nickels.”
“So, it happens a lot?” Billbert asked stupidly.
She folded her arms. “Do you think it’s weird that I’m talking to you? Someone who doesn’t know me at all? It’s because everyone else, everyone who knows me, only talks to me behind my back.”

PLANET Z

I won’t bend down to pick up a penny.
I will bend down to pick up a dime.
But a nickel? Maybe.
Depends on how filthy it is.
A nickel saves you from having to carry five pennies.
And it’s good to scratch a lottery ticket.
But on its own, it’s not really worth much.
Now, if you have a lot of nickels, it’s still not worth much.
So, you can fill a thick sock with them or put them in a plastic roll.
And knock someone out.
Then, take their wallet full of tens and twenties and credit cards.

• Lizzie
• Richard
• Tom
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

RICHARD

Misgnomer

I’d been called to the office of the Head of Design Control. I had a feeling it wasn’t to congratulate me on the quality of my work.

He gestured for me to sit and unceremoniously dumped one of my creations on the desk.

“What’s this?” He queried, eyebrow raised enquiringly.

“Oh, that’s my latest design in the ‘Gone Fishing’ series”.

“Yes. But what exactly is it?”

“Erm, it’s an elf.”

“Dickson, this is ‘Gnomes Unlimited’! We produce garden gnomes, fishing gnomes, dancing gnomes. Gnomes of every kind! Not elves, not orcs, not dwarves!”

“So, as for these elves… Let’s see gnome more!”

LIZZIE

They called her Butterfly not because she was gracious but because she liked to see things fly. Often enough, people had to scatter in all directions when something came flying towards them. When she upgraded from apples and pears to dishes, someone yelled “not the butter”. She couldn’t care less and off it flew, the dish with the butter on it. It flew straight towards the head of the good old fisherman. He was never the same again. His grumpiness disappeared and he only had eyes for Butterfly who, still today, keeps making things fly. Her latest achievement… a bicycle!

SERENDIPIDY

It would be something of a misnomer to call me evil.

Weird, dangerous, perverse, cold, calculating and unfeeling are certainly words that could be aptly applied, but evil? Not at all.

If we’re being scientific about it, then you could almost certainly define me as psychopathic and sociopathic, neither of which, I would argue, necessarily make me evil.

You see, to be evil, one requires a sense of morality. Without it, how can I know whether my intentions and actions are immoral, wrong or downright nasty?

What you class as evil, is perfectly normal to me.

I think, I’m lovely!

TOM

Close But No Banana

How can you be under a misnomer? Further can you be over or between a
misnomer? Exactly how many prepositions can you interact with? I could
spend all day in this loop, deeply drilling down through context, or is
that content? Basically, we live in the land of misnomers. Failing of
update and cling to social nomenclature so we can coalesce in a group
consensus. Take the singular use of “they” not a they is a group, I mean
are. No they is a young non-bin girl-boy. Or is that a girl-boy. Is they
now a ubermisnomer or a hypernomer?c

NORVAL JOE

Billbert followed the strange girl down a crowded hallway. He cleared his throat. “I’m Billbert. What’s your name?”
She flashed him a smile. “I’m Sabrina.”
He laughed. “Like the teenage witch?”
Her smile was much weaker now. “Yes. Like that. But witch is such a misnomer. It implies we throw newt’s eyes and chicken gizzards into a boiling cauldron.”
Billbert swallowed with difficulty. “Huh?”
Sabrina stopped. “Look. I’m just a girl with specail talents. Is that so hard to understand?”
Billbert shook his head. “No. I understand better than you’d expect.”
She pointed at a door. “Good. Here’s our class.”

PLANET Z

The whole class had the wrong names.
Joy was a miserable child.
Chastity was a total flirt.
Angel was a total devil.
Christian was a sinful boy.
And Faith and Hope had none.
Honor was a deceitful little shit.
Scarlet was a pale shade of blue.
Grace was clumsy as hell.
Autumn was born in the spring.
So was Winter. And Summer.
Melody and Harmony couldn’t sing for shit.
Rose, Daisy, and Jasmine all smelled like garbage.
River and Brook couldn’t swim.
Only one kid had the right name.
Amber sat in the corner, encased in a glassy tan resin.