Every Summer, Albert’s family would go camping.
And they took Albert’s cousin Bobby along.
Bobby had issues. Serious issues.
He went to a special school, well, more like a prison.
Whatever Albert was doing, Bobby would be there.
Throwing rocks at birds Albert was watching, ripping up interesting plants, rubbing poison ivy in Albert’s face…
Laughing all the while.
“Stay here,” said Albert, walking away.
But Bobby would follow him, causing more problems.
That night, Albert zipped Bobby up in his sleeping bag and dragged it on the fire.
Albert ended up in Bobby’s old room at the school.
Weekly Challenge #823 – Fight Fire With Fire
LIZZIE
“I have a dragon.”
“I have a dragon too.”
“My dragon is bigger than yours.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Yes, it is.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Stop it,” shouted the father from the living-room.
“Mine can spit fire.”
“Spit? Haha. Mom says that’s rude.”
“No, it’s not, not in dragons.”
“Yes, it is.”
“No, it isn’t!”
“Stop it now.”
Two seconds of silence.
“Your dragon’s pooping fire.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Then… what’s that?”
“It’s… It’s… He had chili, so there.”
This time, silence lasted longer. One of the kids sulked while the other wondered if dragons really ate chili.
RICHARD
Fight fire with fire
Uncle Eddie always said ‘fight fire with fire’, and although I never really understood what he was on about, it seemed to make sense in a backwards sort of a way, so I adopted it into my own philosophy.
I figured that the same principle could be applied to most things.
It didn’t really work out.
I flooded the bathroom when I tried fixing a leak, fighting water with water.
My house fell down when I fought a termite infestation… With termites.
And, a word to the wise:
Never put out a burning barbecue with a blow torch…
And petrol!
SERENDIPIDY
“Burn the witch”, they chanted, whipped up into a killing frenzy by the inquisitors.
I was roughly dragged from the cart, then bound firmly to the stake at the centre of the pyre, the chanting of the crowd growing ever louder as the moment drew close.
A cheer went up as the torches were lit and touched to the pitch-soaked brushwood beneath my feet, igniting instantly.
As the flames climbed higher, I laughed in their faces, for you cannot fight fire with fire.
And the fire that burns within me, burns with greater ferocity than any puny funeral pyre!
TOM
What Could Go Possible Wrong 022
Ford found himself watching Parker’s ghost into frame. He knew exactly what was going on. 12 planes where aligning and he had to pick one pretty soon. Like jumping on a spinning round-about. But doing it wearing cement Wellies. And just like a pair of Wellies a lose fit a best. Ford judged plane number seven would be the least packed in this matrix. Would have work just fine if had been for Cervantes elbow. Ghostly blue a first, but coming in solid straight at his forehead. At least he was doing better than the Captain’s knee to the groin.
What Could Go Possible Wrong 023
Cervantes took a deep breath, felt the blue slide across his arm. He had to keep the pint glass at eye level. Not as ez as one would image. A quick glance to the ground a truck of man took form. Then an arm comes across this left eye. His brain was now slowing down, only broad strokes of thought came into view. “Fight fire with fire,” an internal synapse fired. No smoke here. It’s nice here. Let’s just roll with the punches. The Crazy World of Arthur Brown ear-wormed into his head. “I’m fighting fire, I am the fireman.”
TURA
Fight fire with fire
———
In the province of 火战火 Huǒzhànhuǒ, water is scarce, but natural petroleum seeps are common. If your house catches fire, there is no possibility of extinguishing it with water. A small fire can be smothered with sand, but when out of control, people encourage the blaze with buckets of petroleum. The building is razed in short order, instead of smouldering on for days.
This is their general attitude. Lagging students are expelled from school. All serious crimes are capital.
And when Covid swept through, they let it take whoever it took, and increased the size and frequency of their festivals.
NORVAL JOE
Billbert realized all the adults around the fire and all the teenagers in the two lines were staring at him. Uncomfortable with their attention, he quickly took the gaudiest ring in Sabrina’s outstretched hand and slipped it onto her finger.
“It is done,” crooned an old woman.
Each of the adults produced a ladle from beneath their cloaks and dipped a liquid from a central bucket. They extended their ladles into the flames and the liquid in each caught fire. As one they tipped the burning liquid into the fire. In a flash of golden embers, the campfire went out.
PLANET Z
The word ostracize means to cast out a person from society.
It comes from ostraka, which are oyster shells.
People would write the name of the person to cast out on the shells, and they’d be collected and counted.
The ostracized would be stripped and run out of town, never to return.
Now, when oyster society wants to cast one of their number, it’s a bit harder.
Because so few oysters have names, and even those with names can’t read or write.
But if they wait along enough, humans would collect them all to eat and use as ostracism ballots.
The cutting room floor
Who’s the actor with the most credits?
Mel Blanc. The voice of Bugs Bunny and so many other cartoon characters.
Some guy in Bollywood has the record for actual appearances in film.
Then there’s Bill Mungo.
Casting agents went out of their way to cast Bill Mungo.
He was paid to be in hundreds of movies and television shows.
But every time, ended up on the cutting room floor.
Appearances? Zero.
He made a good living from it, enjoyed a long retirement, and he died.
When they did an autopsy, he fell off the table and on to the floor.
Tagger
Danny started his first tattoo parlor in a run-down strip mall.
He did good work, built a reputation.
Used his savings to buy the strip mall, had it renovated.
Scrubbed, painted, resurfaced and lit the parking lot.
Classy and upscale.
One morning, he went to work and someone had tagged his window.
It took an hour to scrape and scrub off.
Camping out that night, he caught the tagger.
“Man, I have a right to share my art!” was the tagger’s defense.
So Danny knocked him out, put him in the chair, and covered his body with his own art.
Carole Lombard
Carole Lombard’s final film was To Be or Not to Be.
The producers removed her line: “What can happen on a plane?”
A month earlier, she had been doing a tour of the country, raising money for war bonds.
Carole’s plane went down outside of Las Vegas.
Everyone on board died.
Carole, her mother, the crew, the soldiers with her.
That can happen on a plane.
Clark Gable, her husband, flew to Vegas and waited for her body to be recovered.
They say she was pregnant.
Not to be, I suppose.
But I prefer Mel Brooks’ version of that film.
Fancy soaps
So, I like fancy soaps.
Ones that smell good and look good.
There was this shop at Disney World that had cool art soaps.
I bought a bunch of them.
But eventually, I used up the last one.
So, I looked up the store web site, and ordered more.
And they arrived.
Three days later, I get an email asking me to review the soap.
Six bars in 3 days? Seriously?
So, I said I loved them.
They were easy to carve into guns, and helped me escape from prison.
And where can I go to thank them in person?
New nouns
My phone sends all callers to voicemail.
The ringtone is an empty sound file. So, it’s silence.
The carrier transcribes all my voicemail automatically and sends me a text.
Why call it a phone at all?
And since I rarely leave home, I rarely use the cellular capabilities, so why call it a cellular device?
Considering all the dumb answers I get from Siri, I ‘m not calling it a smartphone.
It’s just a thing that I use. While in my car.
My car has no keys. Just a fob and a pushbutton engine.
I should invent some new nouns.
Memorial Gardens
A while back, I bought one of those tabletop gardens.
The one you can grow herbs in, such as lavender or flowers or basil.
A coworker had died, so I dedicated it as his memorial garden.
I wanted fresh herbs for my morning bagel at work, so I bought more gardens.
As coworkers died, I’d dedicate the gardens to them.
Eventually, I had enough gardens to maintain a supply of basil and chives for the bagels.
This Sunday, a coworker was murdered. But all the gardens were already dedicated.
So, I wiped off a name and replaced it with his.
Weekly Challenge #822 – Pick One
LIZZIE
“Pick one,” he said, looking at the box with small dividers. “They are seeds.”
Seeds always have this promise of a future in them, she thought.
“I choose these. Are they poisonous?”
“No! They are berries, I think.”
She smiled again. She could fall in love with him, she thought.
“I don’t know how long they’ll take to grow.”
She nodded.
Years later, the bush was still there. She had no idea what kind of berries they were but she never touched them.
He did. Needless is to say that he never saw the plant grow.
Temptation is a bitch.
RICHARD
Brains
We used to joke in school that when God handed out brains, Jim thought he said trains, and when asked to pick one, he went for old-fashioned and slow.
Whilst I forged ahead, achieving academic success and accolades, Jim plodded on at his own pace, almost certainly one of life’s losers.
Didn’t work out that way though.
He’s now a multi-millionaire and owns the company I slave away for to make a pittance.
And the secret to his success?
Focus on old-fashioned values, work the problems slowly, and methodically, and – ironically – always use your brain!
SERENDIPIDY
My sister’s a bitch!
You’d think identical twins would get along, but not us. If ever there was an evil twin, it was her, and I was always the nice one.
I could give you hundreds of examples when she stitched me up, but I’ll just pick one: The time she slept with the love of my life by pretending to be me.
I’ve barely spoken to her since.
Until today, when she turned up in tears because he’d dumped her.
Although those tears did nothing to stop me lacing her coffee with strychnine!
So, who’s the evil twin now?
NORVAL JOE
Sabrina’s eyes went wide. A silly smile crossed her face. “Sorry. I forgot to tell you to bring a ring.” She reached into her pocket, pulled out a handful of rings and held them out to Billbert. “Here. Pick one. They all fit me.”
The other boys were already slipping their rings onto their partners’ fingers.
Billbert shook his head. “I’m not going to marry you.”
Sabrina rolled her eyes. “Of course not. We’re just combining our magical strength. To make us complete. I have a ring for you. Now, pick one of these and put it on my finger.”
PLANET Z
Mindy wanted a puppy, so we went to the shelter to pick one out.
“Play with them all,” we said. “But you can only pick one.”
So, she picked a fluffy little mutt, she named it Cindy, and we brought it home.
A few months later, the puppy had grown.
“I said I want a puppy,” said Mindy. “I don’t want a dog.”
She bashed the dog’s head in with a frying pan.
We buried it in the back yard alongside the other dogs.
Eventually, we signed on to foster puppies.
And adopted them out before they incurred Mindy’s wrath.
On my radar…
Walter saw the good in everything.
Even in a horrible situation. Or in horrible people.
He wasn’t dumb. Just a little naive.
Always shocked and disappointed when the worst revealed itself.
He was gifted with perceptiveness. Good an anticipating things.
Maybe he wouldn’t be a leader, but he could find leaders and work through them.
That’s how he got by in the world.
Not like Rasputin and the Tsar, or Cassandra the ignored prescient, but more like an angel of a man’s better nature, whispering into his ear.
At the end of the day, clutching his teddy bear, falling asleep.