As Santa farmed out more and more of the operation to the big tech companies, the elves had less and less to do.
The traditional jobs of cookie-baking and shoe-making had also been automated.
Their ancestral forests long cut down.
And there are so few jobs for mall santa assistants, what, with the malls dying out because of the big tech companies, too.
Idled and furloughed, the elves turned to crime and underground fight clubs.
Bloodied drunk midgets, stumbling the streets at night, stealing hubcaps and hood ornaments to fashion into weapons and drug paraphernalia in their alleyway craft shops.
Weekly Challenge #815 – PICK TWO Square, Unexpected message, Formation, The door flew open, Fret, Prediction, Jelly fish
LIZZIE
The elderly home where she lived was… boring.
One day, the door to her room flew open and there he was, as handsome as ever.
“I have a message. In a minute, a man will show up and tell you something. Just say “yes”.
She nodded and wondered. Had he been activated? Odd thing at his age…
“How did you find me?”
“I have my sources.” He smiled. “Remember Prague?”
She smiled too.
“OK. Just say yes.” And he left.
A knock.
She opened the door. It was him again.
“Will you marry me?”
And all she said was “yes”.
RICHARD
Donuts
We were enjoying a mid-morning coffee and donuts when the door flew open and the Lieutenant burst into the office.
“Drop everything! We’ve just intercepted an unexpected message from the killer. If we act fast, we can nail him!”
The room cleared in moments, leaving just me and a box of donuts.
Casually, I typed the command into my computer that would remove all trace of the ‘intercepted’ email.
The killer was still at large, but now that the Lieutenant’s incompetence had been revealed to all. He’d be a laughing stock.
And my promotion would be a dead cert!
TURA
Isolation
———
In this Great Plague, everything you need is delivered by robots, excursions are strictly scheduled, and formations of drones patrol overhead everywhere. We live in fear of the day the door flies open, and a robot announces that it has detected an infection. Those visited are never seen again. But there’s no progress towards a cure or a vaccine.
The robots were programmed to enforce isolation. If we had a cure, we’d stop isolating. So they have to prevent that, by declaring an “outbreak” in any lab that succeeds.
But anyone saying this will be next in line for extermination.
DUANE
“Stand by for an incoming message.”
Nolan stared at the radio. This was quite unexpected. There was a strict schedule for messages. Breaking protocol meant it must be something important, or maybe it was a trap. Had the Dominion found out about this channel? The resistance had been careful not to arouse suspicion, but maybe there was an insider. The Dominion would stop at nothing to stomp out the resistance.
“Message commencing. There has been a breach. Do not leave your homes. Do not use this channel in the future.”
Shattering glass made Nolan curse as the door flew open.
TOM
What Could GO Possibly Wrong 014
Ford peeked judiciously over the table. The bottom of two boots caught his eye, along with the business end of a gun. One of his mates kicked the gun away. The boots didn’t move. Rising up Ford made his way towards the shooter. The man was out cold. “What that on your Face?” quipped the underclasses man. “Oh, looks like a pint glass with a duck, should have heeded the flight.” The barman appears with some industrial strength hand cuffs. “When he comes around will have a go at him.” said Max. Securing the perp to the brass bar rail.
What Could Go Possibly Wrong 015
The formation of the building was less that optimal. More a collection of smoldering beams, dotting with piaster and piping. In place amber were still warm. Cervantes pick amongst the rubble. A flash of light off a piece of glass. He picked it up. In spite of the destruction the pint glass was intact right down to the wanky duck. “Time to set you right,” said Cervantes to the wind and rain. “Time for some major fourth dimensional stacking. The time lord removed a egg timer from a vest pocket and turn it over in his palm. Liquid blue appeared.
NORVAL JOE
“Really,” Billbert said. “I lost everything in that fire, except the clothes on my back.”
“Don’t be silly,” Sabrina said. “It’s not your clothes we want from you, it’s something you can do.”
“I showed you what I can do, and that clearly freaked you out. Are you sure it’s me you want?”
Sabrina nodded. “Here’s what happened. I was on the beach looking for jelly fish when a cloud formation gave me an unexpected message. It said, ‘Don’t fret. Your missing piece is now available and on his way.’ The next day you walked up to me at school.”
SERENDIPIDY
There he stands, our All-Powerful Great Leader watching the assembled military might of our noble nation parading past in the vast square below.
A mass of uniforms marching by in formation, perfectly synchronised and orchestrated, then the ponderous rumble of the weapons of war. Tanks, missiles, rockets and guns: An unequivocal message to the watching world.
But today will be different.
The square falls silent as the assembly comes to a halt.
Turrets swivel, barrels are raised, and the sound of ten thousand rifles being brought to aim rings out.
And today’s parade will be our Exalted Leader’s last!
PLANET Z
I sat on a bench in the old town square.
Trees. Stores. A newspaper kiosk.
A church at one end, and the town hall at the other.
Sipping my beer, watching people walk by.
it’s supposed to rain today.
The church hangs a wooden white cloud in a window.
A sun for sunny, and so on.
But it’s not a forecast. Or a prediction.
The priests in the church, they pray for rain.
And it comes.
I keep coming here, hoping to see them hang the devil puppet in the window.
I will capture him, and show him no mercy.
Gingerbread town
Every Christmas, Sandy has made a gingerbread house.
She bakes the walls and roof, and little people to put in the house.
Then, she mixes the icing to put it all together.
Assembling the house and decorating it wasn’t hard for her to do.
So, she made it fancier each year.
Bigger houses, electric motors, LED lights, and toy trains.
Soon, she had a whole village built.
Full scale.
You could walk into the houses.
You could live in the houses.
The year she died, we buried her in a gingerbread coffin.
In the gingerbread cemetery.
Outside of Gingerbread City.
Chocolate Santa
When you eat a chocolate bunny, do you eat the ears first or the feet?
What about the tail? Do you eat that first?
I remember a comedian who said that he bit out the eyes and screamed at it.
But that’s crazy.
Because nobody bites out the eyes of their chocolate bunny.
They do that to their chocolate Santa Clauses.
Or they bite out his crotch.
I mean, after all the kids who sat on the laps of mall Santas, especially the ones who were child predators getting off on it?
And the worst part?
They were paid to.
Christmas lawyers
Every time I hear someone say “You’ll be hearing from my lawyers!” I never hear from their lawyers.
People tend to just say that when they’re frustrated and know they’re wrong, but just want to intimidate you.
Lawyers never actually show up and do things.
Except this one time.
It was Christmas Eve, and there was a knock on the door.
Foolishly, I opened it.
And there were the lawyers.
They sang some wonderful Christmas carols at me.
Now, when people say I’ll be hearing from their lawyers! I say “I look forward to it.”
And make the figgy pudding.
Come to Jesus
I remember one manager who kept saying that we needed to have a “Come To Jesus” moment.
Never mind that I was Jewish.
So, I came to Jesus.
“Hi,” said Jesus.
“HI,” I said. “What’s up?”
“Not much,” said Jesus. “How are you?”
“I’m okay,” I said. “But my boss is an asshole.”
“Try working for your father,” said Jesus.
So, I went back to my boss, quit my job, and went to work for my father’s company.
It totally sucked. And I quit that job too.
I went back to Jesus.
“I’m not very good with sarcasm,” said Jesus.
Chaplin’s Glue
Charlie Chaplin’s mustache was a fake.
He glued it on every morning.
And that glue had a unique smell. A very bad smell.
Everyone on the set of The Kid could smell it, but nobody said anything about it.
Except one.
“Ew, that stinks!” said Jackie Coogan.
Chaplin laughed. “Yes, I know it, it’s right under my nose.”
Years later, a much older Jackie Coogan played Uncle Fester in The Addams Family series.
Wardrobe offered him a white wig to wear.
“We need to glue it on…”
Remembering the stench of Charlie’s glue, Jackie shaved his head and went bald.
Weekly Challenge #814 – What’s that on your face?
LIZZIE
The crow landed on the arm of the scarecrow.
“Well, I never,” thought the scarecrow.
The crow groomed himself and just sat there.
What on earth. They were supposed to be afraid of him.
A bit of wind made the crow flap the wings briefly.
This is really too much!
“Oh, what’s that on your face?” asked the crow.
What, what? The thing was talking!
“That’s so sweet. It’s a ladybird!”
A ladybird? Where, where?
The crow laughed. “You crossed your eyes!”
The scarecrow smiled.
“Friends? I promise not to eat the crops here.”
“Friends.”
And even the ladybird smiled.
RICHARD
Big Disgrace!
“What’s that on your face?” She asked, as I stumbled through the door.
“Oh my God, is it blood? What happened to you?”
It was a reasonable question: Bruised, bloodied and battered, my clothes in disarray, and stumbling over my own feet, I must have looked a state.
“I got mugged!”
She flung her arms around me, helped me into an armchair then poured me a large whisky.
My face hurt like hell, but my self-inflicted wounds were worth it.
The whisky would mask the booze on my breath, and she’d never notice the lipstick on my collar now!
DUANE
“Oh my god, Stan! What’s that on your face?”
“It’s No-Shave November, Linda. To grow awareness about cancer.”
“Nobody should see that. It’s going to scare small children and don’t you have another date with Ellen tonight?”
“Yeah, third date and you know what means. Oh, yeah!”
“Well, good luck with that on your face.”
Later that night…
“Dinner was wonderful Stan. Too bad it was raining. Or maybe not, huh? Let’s slip out of these wet clothes.”
“Ellen, you read my mind. Let’s just… Oh my god! What’s that?”
“What? Oh, come on silly, it’s No-Shave November!”
SERENDIPIDY
“And what’s that on your face, you evil little girl?”
“It’s a smirk, sir!”
Mr Johnson’s own face flushed so red I thought he might explode, which would have been a lot of fun, and delightfully messy, but unfortunately, he didn’t.
“It’s not a laughing matter!” He hissed, “I’ll be speaking to your parents about this.”
Good luck with that, I thought, he’d need a medium or an Ouija board to speak to either!
I couldn’t see what the big deal was: I’d only squished Milly, the school hamster, with my foot.
Maybe I should have squished Mr Johnson instead?
TURA
“What’s that on your face?”
———
Charlie woke up as usual one morning, but when he turned to his wife, she screamed in panic, “What’s that on your face?”
“What?” said Charlie, touching his face. Nothing seemed wrong, but by that time she had fled from the house without even dressing.
He looked in the bathroom mirror, but the glass fell off and shattered.
He got dressed and wandered outside. Everyone who saw him screamed and fled.
An approaching car suddenly accelerated towards him. The last thing he saw was the driver’s face, grimacing in terror.
So he never did discover what was on his face.
JARED
Never Underestimate a Good Editor
Few people have read Tolkein’s early drafts of The Hobbit. The versions of some iconic moments found there are quite different from what ended up in the published manuscript. Take the riddle contest between Bilbo and Golem in the tunnels of Goblin-town, for instance. Instead of Bilbo asking Gollum ‘What’s in my pocket?”, he points at Gollum, and asks “What’s that on your face?”
The scene ultimately still led to Bilbo winning the riddle battle, but had a lot more banal dialogue along the lines of ‘above your nose’, ‘below your eye’ and ‘no, no – the other side. Your left.’
NORVAL JOE
Billbert considered Sabrina’s words. She had said the weather witches wanted him in Eureka.
She asked, “What’s that on your face?”
Billbert wiped his lips. “What? Is there food on my mouth?”
Sabrina smiled now. “No. Not food. It’s the funny expression on your face. Why are you so surprised?”
Billbert shrugged. “You just said you and your fellow witches brought me here, to Eureka. I don’t know why you would want to do that.”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Sabrina asked. “You have something we want.”
Billbert shook his head. “Everything I had burned in the fire.”
Sabrina smiled. “Not everything.”
PLANET Z
“What’s that on your face?” said my doctor.
He took out a tissue and tried to wipe it off.
When your doctor doesn’t know what something is, you know you’re in trouble.
He took biopsies and made slides, but nothing about it made sense.
Referrals to experts and specialists amounted to nothing.
It didn’t get any bigger. Or smaller. Or deeper.
It stayed the same color, which was… well,,, I can’t describe it.
But it was there.
It resisted all measure of drugs.
Eventually, my doctor prescribed me some makeup to cover it up.
“That solves that,” he said.
When life hands you… potatoes?
When life hands you lemons…
Well, life didn’t hand me lemons.
Life handed me potatoes.
Am I supposed to squeeze them and make potatoade?
Hell no. That sounds gross, potatoade.
Nobody wants that.
Maybe I’ll load my potato gun and fire it at them, the people who gave me potatoes.
Maybe I’ll make a potato-powered clock.
And count down the time until the next person gives me potatoes.
Or just a big potato battery, wires and nails in a long chain.
And the next time someone comes to give me potatoes, I’ll wire it to the doorknob.
Come on in!
Carvolo’s Muse
The museum’s latest acquisition, Carvolo’s Muse, was a mechanical doll.
Porcelain and silver, covering a wooden frame with gears and wires and springs.
Sitting on a mahogany bench at a masterfully lacquered piano.
You could shave yourself in that mirror shine.
A copper disk turned, gliding across pegs in her heart that caused the springs in her fingers to play Moonlight Sonata.
When finished, she’d wink and give the hint of a smile.
And begin again.
Carvolo was said to have made other disks, but only Moonlight Sonata survives.
When the museum’s craftsman finishes restoring her, maybe he’ll make more.