Ulysses With A Sneer

383658

They left the gates open, and the guards all stayed home.
The mansion had never been a home. It always felt like a hideout, although the drugs sometimes made it feel like a slide under the world’s microscope.
Or a prison.
“Welcome home,” he muttered.
He’d been gone for almost 30 years, but his key still fit in the lock.
Maybe they switched the old lock back in the door, just for him.
He wandered around the mansion, which had become a sterile museum. Signs everywhere, saying what he’d done, where and when.
But never why.
He shrugged and left.

Home Sweet Hell

419550

“Welcome home, Sir,” said the demon on duty at the Gates of Hell.
“What’s with the damn line?” asked Satan. “It took me two weeks to get to this spot.”
“Someone moved our records to that stupid Windows Vista crap and-”
Satan raised his hand. “Say no more.” He laughed and walked up to the turnstile…
*THUNK*
Which didn’t budge.
“Stuck?” asked Satan.
“Um…” stammered the demon. “While you were gone, we had a teensy weensy revolution kind of thing.”
“Hitler?”
“Yasser.”
“Figures,” said Satan. He turned around.
“Leaving again, Sir?”
“Yeah,” said Satan.”Call if you need me.”
They didn’t.

Adolf Chavez

429824

It’s a hard-hitting rant in 100 words by Andrew Ian Dodge for your enlightenment and concern today…

In the country called Venezuela they have a leader who continues to echo one from the past.
This leader came from Austria and led a greater Germany; his evil is legendary. His politics were socialist in a nationalist way, and he believed Jews were the greatest enemy to all mankind.
Despite his crimes, there are leaders who ape his policies.
Mr Chavez is one such man. He likes to think he is the new Che; but in fact he is closer to the new Fuhrer.
First Venezuela, now Bolivia and where to next?
Oh never-mind nothing to worry about right?

Technically, he calls them the “Christ-killers” in his speech.
I didn’t realize the Romans controlled the world these days. Did you?
Anyway, now that Andrew’s going to be a regular feature here, I’ve added a section there on the right margin to list his many projects and sites. Just scroll down a bit past the wiggly Cthulhu icon thing.

Time To Change

411870

Do you believe in magic?
Well, I do. I believe in it with all my heart.
I’ve seen dragons flying through the clouds. They’re clever creatures, ducking behind the clouds when you get your camera out.
I’ve stopped trying to take their picture. I’d rather just enjoy their acrobatic wonder.
I’ve made friends with the Little People. I’ve also made friends with man-eating giants. But you rarely see both at the same party.
I think it has something to do with the caterers.
There’s more out there, but I can’t tell you right now.
Full moon’s out.
Time to change.

Shutdown

388987

Another fine tale from Andrew Ian Dodge, inspired by the shutdown of the London Transit System over New Year’s.

There was a group of men who thought they were clever; by shutting down the London Underground on New Years Eve. They ruined the night for many of their fellow Londoners; but probably expected sympathy. And annoyed a few more with their heartless smugness. In the coming year they will suffer much abuse and no doubt wonder why.
And those people who would normally be upset seeing an RMT member verbally abused will probably look away. There will no doubt even be some cheers.
The union member will probably not realise what they have wrought with their heartless holiday endeavor.

Fishtank

449825

Every so often, Susan filled the fish tank with Jell-O.
Bob, not one for confrontation, pretended not to notice.
“Notice anything different?” asked Susan.
“You… cut your hair?” said Bob. “I like it that way.”
“No…”
“Ah, okay,” said Bob. “Well, I still like it that way.”
Then Susan would scowl and stomp off.
Bob couldn’t remember when they got the fish tank, nor could he recall ever owning fish.
He looked through their wedding book: silverware… plates…guns… a dining table…
No fish tank.
The next morning, the Jell-O was gone.
Bob never asked where it went.
Better that way.

Cowering

470332

A young man sat cowering in his London flat, fearing for his life.

You see, he was a thrusting blogger who took his belief in free speech just a mite too far. For some.

The lad use his newfound voice, having been a a bit sheepish before to launch into a scathing critique of Islam and Mohammed.

His rants grew more biting, until he recorded a nice little kitty about the Quran.

He was praised all over, from New Zealand to Russia. His admirers however would not protect him from the angry mob outside, the ones yelling Allah Ackbhar!

The Flowers

422528

No matter how hard Frederick tried to keep them from covering his hill, the flowers always managed to grow.
The first message they spelled was “FREDERICK SUCKS.”
Frederick thought it was a prank, so he tore up the flowers and watched the hill.
When he woke the next morning, the flowers returned: “FREDERICK KILLED JENNY.”
Frederick panicked. “Demons!” he shouted.
Frederick tore up the flowers again, and hired some locals to guard the hill in shifts in case he fell asleep.
Which, of course, he did.
“Now he’s paying us,” said a guard. “Sweet. So, what shall we spell now?”

Truth

452934

There are those who spout utter crap and claim it to be true fact. Left or right it does not matter just as it long as it causes the media to natter. There are those who spend their time trying to correct this rubbish day after day. The end facts do matter don’t they?
Whether its something minor or major about war or your odd neighbour. The facts are what matter because they are what is the truth. Lies beget lies and can lead to lots of bother. I hope that I am in the group that pursues the latter.

Dull As Sandpaper

454815

“Let me go,” said the blindfolded reporter.
He struggled with the straps, but it was to no avail. There was no way he was getting up from the chair.
A giggle. A snicker.
“Who are you?” he whined into the darkness.
“Dull as sandpaper, are we?” said a voice.
The reporter instantly recognized the voice. It was someone he’d interviewed a few weeks ago, but he decided to “sex up” his story a bit for the readers.
“I was just trying to-”
“Do unto others,” said the voice. “As they’ve done to you.”
That’s when he heard the belt sander.