You know that song, “Why do birds suddenly appear?”
Well, I know why birds suddenly appear every time you are near. It’s obvious.
It’s all that birdseed you covered yourself with.
How did you get it to stick to your body?
Peanut butter?
Honey?
Baby oil?
I hope you’re not allergic.
Not only does that crap attract birds, but there’s a large population of squirrels and chipmunks and other varmints following you around.
Okay, so some of them eat the seeds you’re leaving behind you, but the ones that crawl up your legs… aren’t you worried about rabies or scratches?
Tag: commentary
The Real
Her father bought her a new nose for her sweet sixteenth.
College money went to a few other “necessary” improvements. She changed her name and picked up a degree from a diploma mill.
That got her an internship with the Senator, and she eventually handled the press for him.
After every day, she’d touch up her roots, check on her nail extensions, fix her makeup, and head to her favorite bar to prowl the scene.
“Why can’t I catch a real man?” she sighed to the bartender.
“Must be using the wrong bait,” he said.
She didn’t leave a tip.
Slowdown
It’s been a while since I last threw up.
Over time, you learn how much you can drink, how much you can eat, and what disagrees with you.
You also learn not to move too quickly. Take it slow and easy. No more two stairs at a time. No more one stair with each step. You’re hauling yourself up the handrail, taking each step as you can.
You miss the days you could do this without running out of breath halfway up. You wish to be young again.
Then you see it. The light.
Over the elevator.
Fuck the stairs.
Kick Me Starter
We’d had problems raising funds for our charity project, so we hired a consultant to help us.
The consultant told us about social media and all kinds of new ways to raise money.
They also found a charitable foundation that would match all of our funds raised dollar-for-dollar.
After weeks for heavy marketing, the fundraising campaign rolled out and we didn’t just meet our goals, but surpassed them.
The celebration didn’t last long, because the consultant vanished with all the money.
Then the foundation matched him dollar for dollar: they embezzled the exact same amount.
Next time, we’ll stick with Kickstarter.
Packaging
There’s a saying in social media that if you can’t tell what the product is, then the product is you.
Especially when you wake up in the morning and find yourself sealed in a plastic case that’s hard to open.
If you thought opening those things up was hard to do from the outside, you should try to do that from the inside.
Who sleeps with a boxcutter or a sharp pair of scissors in their pocket?
I do, because there’s no telling when someone will package you up.
(Just don’t stab your mother when she tucks you in, okay?)
Nathan
When it comes to hot dogs, I’m a Chicago-style hot dog kind of guy.
New York-style is vile. Ketchup has no business being on a hot dog.
Furthermore, when you look past the toppings, New York hot dogs themselves are vastly inferior to the Chicago dogs.
Just look at Nathan’s Famous.
Their Coney Island location has held their hot dog eating contest every July Fourth, and contestants gobble up their bland hot dogs by the ton.
Flavorless mush in cheap casings and buns… just like the crap they serve every other day.
Not worth slowing down to taste the things.
Utter crap
Don’t tell us that if you think writing is difficult, you haven’t tried editing.
That’s utter crap.
Anybody can write words on a page. But the real writers out there can take these words and rearrange them into magical journeys and epic tales.
Or, if a sentence isn’t quite coming together, they’ll eliminate it entirely.
Why stop at a sentence? How about an entire paragraph? Several paragraphs? A page? A chapter?
Or the whole damn thing.
So don’t think of this stack of blank pages as me being lazy, professor.
I wrote a lot.
And then, I edited everything out.
Unique
Whenever I travel, I always try to experience whatever there is that is unique to the place I am visiting.
Microbreweries offer up a taste that I can’t get back home, even if what comes out of their vats is too sweet, too bitter, too gritty, or too slimy.
I never eat at a chain restaurant either. Why get what I can get back at home?
So why am I eating salmon in Atlanta? There’s no oceans or salmon runs near Atlanta.
I read the menu: Atlantic salmon.
Atlanta. Atlantic.
Close enough, right?
Another glass of sweet tea, please?
Thanks.
The Test Of Time
It’s amusing to watch movies from a few years ago.
As much as I try to enjoy the story and acting, It’s hard not to notice:
Older computers
Older cell phones.
Older cars.
Older hairstyles.
Older brands.
And the so-called special effects before digital effects can be cheesy and corny. Totally unbelievable.
When I watch movies now, I wonder how I’ll view the dated material in them.
Will the cool whiz-bang effects today look like a joke in twenty years? Ten years? Five years?
This is why I only watch hardcore pornography now.
That stuff stands the test of time.
Buh Bye
I am flying home from a conference in Atlanta.
While I looked out of the window of the plane, I noticed a few strands of hair stuck in a seam of the window shade.
They were a dark amber, thin, and very long.
I tried to imagine who they might belong to.
Maybe some girl going back home for spring break?
Or some woman flying to a business meeting?
Perhaps they were from some stewardess, getting screwed against the cabin wall during a long and boring flight?
No, that’s not right.
They prefer to be called “flight attendants” these days.