I tried to quit smoking.
My friend gave me some gum. Whenever I felt like smoking, I’d chew the gum.
After three days, I threatened to throw a crying baby in front of a train.
My friend suggested that I carry a baby doll, and when I felt like throwing a crying baby in front of a train, throw the doll instead.
It worked, but after three days, I wanted to brain my neighbor with a meat axe for playing his records so loud at night.
My friend handed me a meat axe.
“Go ahead. It’s pissing me off too.”
Tag: silly
Newjerseytology
If Egyptology is the study of ancient Egyptian history, does that mean there’s a Newjerseytology that studies ancient history in Jersey?
My cousin Vinnie from Red Bank keeps saying “Oh, that’s ancient history!” so I asked him if he had a degree in Newjerseytology.
“From the School Of Hard Knocks,” said Vinnie, and he lifted his shirt to show me a scar he got at a Giants game.
Okay, so exploring pyramids isn’t exactly the same as winning tickets at skeeball, but my Aunt Rita knows this guy who can get us tires on the cheap, so don’t knock it.
Gravy
IT is important. IT connects people with each other and to the resources they need.
Without IT, you’re not an organization or connected.
Heck, without IT, Sir Isaac Newton would have discovered gravy, not gravity.
As much as I love gravy, it would be really messy with all that gravy, floating out of its gravy boat and getting all over everything in sticky delicious blobs.
Thank goodness it was an apple that fell on Newton’s head, and not a gravy boat.
Those things are expensive, not to mention the brain damage one could cause such a fertile mind as Newton.
Loyalties
People often accuse me of divided loyalties, but that’s mathematically incorrect.
Loyalties add, not divide. Instead of being loyal to one, you’re now loyal to two.
How loyal you are, well, that’s another axis of measurement. Not our concern here.
You might think they multiply, multiplication being the opposite of dividing, but it’s easy to mistake multiplication for addition.
Especially with two and two. The results may be the same, but the methods are different.
No, loyalties do not divide or multiply. Instead, they add.
Or, in your case, what with all this annoying stupid questioning and harassment, they subtract.
Writers
So you’re wondering why I’m holding out a blank sheet of paper as we walk along this alley.
That’s because there’s nothing more formidable to a writer than a blank sheet of paper. Or a deadline, but it’s hard to wave a deadline around at a rampaging pack of angry writers.
They think a blank sheet of paper is the most awful and daunting thing in the world, more dangerous than garlic or a cross to vampires.
What? Did you hear that?
I think I hear writers! Dangerous writers!
Hold out this paper, and make haste for the stationery shop!
Jumbotron
You know those kiss cams at ballgames? And how sometimes some guy proposes to his girl at the ballpark?
My buddies thought it would be a funny prank to take a hooker to a ballgame and surprise her with a Jumbotron proposal.
But the surprise was on me. The hooker said yes, kissed me, and took the ring.
“We can do it in Vegas,” she whispered into my ear.
Shit. This is going to get really expensive.
I’d better call my wife and tell her than I’m going to need to take some cash out of our joint savings account.
Handstamp
Dante wrote that the gates of Hell are inscribed with: “Abandon all hope all ye who enter here.”
It used to be only in Italian, but now it’s in dozens of languages.
But that’s all on the outside of the gates.
The inside reads: “You will need to get your hand stamped for re-entry on same day fare.”
People entering Hell sometimes see that and wonder if it’s possible to leave Hell because of that.
“Can I get my hand stamped?” these people ask.
The Devil laughs at these fools. “Didn’t you read the first sign?”
Then he laughs more.
Sally
Ted always dated women named Sally.
“I got ‘Sally’ tattooed on my arm when I was in the Navy,” he told me. “It was easier dating just women named Sally than to get it removed.”
He’d gotten married recently.
“Congratulations, I said. “Finally found the right Sally?”
“Hell no,” he said. “But you know how people convert religions to get married?”
She changed her name to Sally?
Well. Almost. “Her middle name was Sally,” said Ted, “but you know how love is?”
I sure do.
I rubbed the spot where the Ted tattoo had been and tried not to cry.
Kick Me Starter
We’d had problems raising funds for our charity project, so we hired a consultant to help us.
The consultant told us about social media and all kinds of new ways to raise money.
They also found a charitable foundation that would match all of our funds raised dollar-for-dollar.
After weeks for heavy marketing, the fundraising campaign rolled out and we didn’t just meet our goals, but surpassed them.
The celebration didn’t last long, because the consultant vanished with all the money.
Then the foundation matched him dollar for dollar: they embezzled the exact same amount.
Next time, we’ll stick with Kickstarter.
Ribbit
Kermit the Frog’s a famous Hollywood celebrity, but if you asked him, he’d give up the singing and dancing in a heartbeat to pursue his lifelong dream of being a weatherman.
He’d log the temperature, winds, and rain in his journal every day. For Christmas, he’d ask Santa for a barometer, but all he’d get is acting lessons or a banjo.
In college, he studied meteorology and got perfect grades.
But when he got a television gig, he was assigned to Muppet News Flashes, not weather.
You see, he’s green, and the weather map uses a green screen.
Poor bastard.