The condemned

After the trial, Gul was dragged out of the courtroom and into the dungeon.
Tradition was that the court would take three days to deliver their verdict.
It came in the form of a dish of sherbet.
White for not guilty, red for guilty.
And condemned to death.
After three days, a guard arrived with a napkin-covered dish.
“Here’s your sherbet,” said the guard, sliding the dish under the bars.
Gul removed the napkin, and saw…
“I’m sorry, but I’m color-blind,” said Gul. “Is it red or white?”
The guard stabbed Gul, splattering blood on the dish. “Now it’s red.”

Put a finger on it

Fister Blake couldn’t quite put his finger on it.
He couldn’t quite put his finger on anything.
He could point. But when he tried to put his finger on things, he’d miss.
Made it hard to use fingerprint recognition on his phone.
And when he tried to tap in a password or on an icon, well, he’d miss.
He used a lot of voice commands, but those only work so much.
So, he used his toes. He put his toes on things.
He could do that all day long.
But he stepped on and crushed his phone more than once.

Doctor Odd’s laws

Doctor Odd was hardly a law-abiding man.
“I follow the laws of physics and the universe,” he often said.
From his various experiments, you’d think he was lying about that.
But he’d pull out a chalkboard and prove how what he did was possible.
Not that people could understand any of the formulas and calculations.
“If it wasn’t possible, it wouldn’t exist,” he said, pointing at the talking monkey or time machine or whatever he’d created.
But when law enforcement showed up to arrest Doctor Odd, he’d vanish into another universe and leave a supernova bomb.
To erase the evidence.

On to the moon

The Pope looked out the window at the moon.
“They want a cardinal,” he said.
“They have a cardinal,” said his assistant.
“He lives here and uses the radiolink,” said the Pope. “That’s not good enough for them.”
First went priests. To tend to the Catholics there.
Then, they needed a bishop to administer them.
One was promoted to archbishop to oversee the cathedral construction.
And then…
“What happens when I call a consistory? Can they come back? They must come back. God forbid, a conclave!”
They talked through the night, argued and debated, and they solved nothing at all.

Weekly Challenge #797 – PICK TWO Can you help me?, Enough, Market, Trial, Bundle, The noise is driving me mad!, Inventory

NOTE: I am transferring the domain to a new registrar and there may be a disruption in the website and server for a few days. Watch the Twitter and Facebook feeds for more information.

Tinny

LIZZIE

“Can you help me? The noise is driving me mad.”
“But you’re already mad, aren’t you?”
“Am I?”
“Yes, you are!”
“I don’t think so.”
“Oh, for sure.”
“Your hair wants cutting.”
“What? We were talking about being mad.”
“I know, and your hair makes me mad.”
“Why?”
“I haven’t the slightest idea. It just does. If you knew time as well as I do… ”
“You wouldn’t waste it.”
“Not it. Him.”
“I’m confused.”
“So am I.”
“Is this a riddle?”
“Yes. Have you guessed it yet?”
“No. What’s the answer?”
“I haven’t the slightest idea. And I’m still mad.”

RICHARD

Lost in the souk

They were laughing at me… The group on the corner.

Hardly surprising. This was about the fifth time I’d passed this way in the last twenty minutes. As nonchalant as I tried to appear, they knew just as well as I that I was hopelessly lost and simply wandering round in circles.

I’d been warned, of course: Don’t try exploring the market without a guide, you’ll get hopelessly lost, and probably robbed and beaten in some dark alleyway.

In desperation, I ducked into a shop and pleaded with the shopkeeper, “Can you help me?”

Slowly, sadly, he shook his head.

TOM

Limited Offer

The add read: limited Offer until supplies run out. Free to the first two
dozen participants. Sam not being one to miss out on anything smacking of
free. Headed down to the listed address. When he got there the parking lot
was empty, say for a single large truck. A guy leaned out the back and
yelled: Next. Sam stepped up and guy drop a bundle of sticks on top of
him. “What with the bundle of sticks?” he yelled back. “Technically that’s
a faggot.” said the man pointing due north. Sam trudged off in the into
the gathering mist.

SERENDIPIDY

He set a bundle of notes down, and slid them slowly across the table top.

“It’s not enough” I said. “Nowhere near enough!”

“If you want to see your daughter alive again, you need to do a lot better than that! A lot better! You have three more days.”

The man left. He’d be back in three days, and I’d take his money, but he still wouldn’t see his daughter alive again.

No amount of money would suffice for that.

She’d been dead for a week already, and when I’d finally fleeced him for all he had.

So would he.

NORVAL JOE

The following day being Monday, Billbert showed up at the Catherine L. Zane Middle School for his first day of classes in Eureka. His mother had taken an inventory of the items in his backpack, signed him into the new school, and thinking she had done enough, sent him on his way.
The bell rang and everyone hurried off in different directions except for one red headed girl in a puffy white jacket. She watched Billbert approach.
“Um. Can you help me find my homeroom class?”
She smiled with bright amber eyes. “I can do that. And so much more.”

JARED

Mysterious Noises
Dozens of embassy staffers were affected: nausea, headaches, dizziness and vertigo… Some of our allies had diplomats who were likewise incapacitated. Our intelligence officers couldn’t find anything about the expats of their allies or any of their local citizens who got sick. Our intelligence director has liaised with the top intelligence officers from the other impacted states, as well as multiple covert-ops chiefs and some off-the-books white hats. According to everything we know, no one on Earth has tech that can accomplish this without being detected. The energy signatures alone would give them away. The noise must come from somewhere…

PLANET Z

Every week, the market took inventory to see if they had enough of everything.
It also helped them to track loss due to theft or spoilage.
At first, the workers went down each aisle with a clipboard.
Then, they used tables and scanners to update a central databank.
Finally, a robot drone went around with a camera.
Sure, it was expensive, but over time it was far cheaper than the team of workers with tablets.
And it was noisy, but the manager ran it overnight and got the results first thing in the morning.
It also scared away the rats.

Hank and Gladys Again

Hank had always thought that stage magic was fake, but standing there, his legs swapped with Gladys’, he knew it was real.
“Can I have my legs back?” Hank asked the magician.
The magician nodded, and his assistants brought out two chairs.
Hank sat in one, Gladys sat in the other.
The magician covered them with a cloth, waved his wand, and pulled away the cloth.
Hank and Gladys stood up on their own legs.
But now had each others middles.
“Don’t even think it,” said Gladys.
Hank groped himself anyway.
Gladys punched Hank’s lights out with his own fist.

Hank and Gladys

Hank and Gladys liked magician stage performances.
One night, they volunteered for a double sawing act, and their lower halves were swapped.
Instead of his pants and shoes, Hank now had Gladys’ heels and skirt.
And legs, hips, and ass.
He peeked under the skirt.
No panties, freshly waxed.
If he had his cock, it would be hard as a rock.
“Hank!” hissed Gladys, standing on Hank’s legs.
Hank grabbed the magician. “Hey, mind giving me my junk back?”
The magician waved his wand.
And the skirt under Hank’s skirt tented up a bit.
“Ha ha,” said Hank. “Very funny.”

The naughty nurses

After every major dental surgery, I’m only allowed to eat soft and bland foods.
Primarily, it’s just oatmeal, pudding, applesauce, and yogurt.
Maybe some smooth soups if they’re not very hot.
Just because the food is bland, it doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it, right?
So, I hire hookers to eat with me.
I smear the food all over their bodies and lick it off.
After we’re done, we shower together.
My insurance won’t cover them as medical assistants.
But we’ll see if I can get away with writing their medical services and naughty nurse costumes off of my taxes.

Dr. Odd and the wise man

A wise man once said that you cannot see yourself in the mirror with your eyes closed.
Doctor Odd invented a mirror with a one second delay.
Sure, it was dangerous to use for shaving, but at least it let him see himself in the mirror with his eyes closed.
“That’s not a real mirror,” said the wise man. “A mirror reflects reality, and that mirror doesn’t.”
Doctor Odd got out a chalkboard and demonstrated that mirrors already have a tiny delay from reality due to the speed of light.
The wise man shrugged. “I said it because I’m blind.”

Lucy’s laundry

Lucy likes to slip clothes into a guy’s load of laundry to flirt.
“Oh, that’s mine,” she says, as a guy hands over a bra or panties.
Sometimes, she sneaks in a little more.
The guy pulls out a breast, and Lucy waits a while. Watches him turn it over, squeeze it. And then…
“Oh my God!” says Lucy.
She grabs it and stuffs it in her shirt.
“Is the other one in there?” she asks.
The guy hands it over, and she puts in back in place.
“Do they look they’re on straight?” she says, pulling up her shirt.