It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, but the machines have made a few mistakes here and there to make it obvious that it’s all just a ruse to keep our minds occupied while they use our bodies as power sources in gigantic energy farms.
Santa’s wearing white with red trim, the Christmas trees are covered with honey glazed ham, and all these fucking red-nosed reindeer everywhere.
As for the men in black suits with earpieces and sunglasses at every streetcorner, well, that’s actually what America was like before the machines got smart and conquered us.
Stupid Patriot Act!
Tag: horror
Not So Wise
After they left Bethlehem, the Three Wise Men returned back to their homelands and got chewed out by their clans for giving their wares away to some strange family in a barn.
The myrrh and the frankincense weren’t much in demand at the time, so those guys got off easy with whippings. But the guy with the gold really blew it, and he was sold into slavery for his temporary bout of madness.
Still, he’d tell tales of following the star, giving gold to The Newborn King Of The Jews.
So they cut out his tongue to shut him up.
Holiday Tradition
It’s a holiday tradition that the kids get to open a present on Christmas Eve and then the rest on Christmas Day.
It’s fun to watch them picking up and shaking the boxes, figuring out which to open first.
They’ve been asking for a puppy for years, but I didn’t think they were old enough for one.
Until now.
The box was in front of the others, and the puppy kept trying to get out, whining and barking.
They picked the box up, and shook it.
Hard. Really hard.
It stopped whining.
Silence.
Hrm. Maybe they’re not old enough yet.
Hide And Shriek
Father Richard walked through the cemetery, waving the Bible over each grave and mumbling prayers.
He’d done this in five cemeteries already this week, and he’d yet to find anything.
Then, as he reached a freshly-dug grave, the ground erupted and an arm burst through the dirt.
Moaning… shambling horror…
Richard pulled the corpse out from the ground, tapped the Bible on its forehead, and said “Found you.”
“Took you long enough,” groaned the zombie. “Losing your touch?”
Richard coughed. “Just the weather, that’s all. See you in a week?”
“If you’re lucky.” The zombie shambled off into the mist.
Brother Theodore
Brother Theodore was very proud that knew the nine hundred and ninety-nine names of God.
“God has one thousand names,” said the Abbot. “Recite them now for me.”
Theodore tried, but he could not remember the thousandth name.
As punishment, he was strapped to a table, and for the next five days, as he was forced to the recite them once again, and the names of God were burned into his skin.
Until… he stopped.
“And the thousandth?” asked the Abbot.
Theodore tried, but he couldn’t remember.
The one he forgot was branded on to the tip of his tongue.
The Icy Path
It’s cold and icy out, and I slipped on the sidewalk and fell.
Someone helped me back up, but backed away when he looked at my face.
“What?” I asked. “What’s wrong with my face?”
I felt it, there wasn’t any pain… I didn’t see any blood on my hands.
“Where’s the nearest bathroom?” I asked, but nobody answered. They just backed away, frightened by me.
I growled in frustration, and that’s when I heard it.
The animal.
The beast.
The demon.
The sidewalks had cleared, and a priest was making his way towards me, cross held high.
I ran.
Anchor
Back when gaslamps lit the streets of New Orleans, sailors would go to sea and their loves would wait for their return.
Most came back to port on schedule, or close to it.
Others were delayed by storms, pirates… so many dangers.
When a ship was due, their loves came to the docks and met them as they arrived, walking down the gangplank, that moment.
Or, if they didn’t arrive, waiting.
Late one day… two… a week… a month.
Sometimes, the harbormaster wrote that worst of all fates: “LOST.”
And their hearts would sink, down… sink below the waves forever.
Who Rules The Body?
“Who rules the body, the heart or the head?
Perhaps it is both, for with neither, we’re dead!
But then, so many parts, without which we would die
And others, like hands, upon which we rely
You can live without eyes, or a tongue, or an ear
Sure, it is nice, if you can see, taste or hear
Fingernails aren’t life-threatening parts in the least
Until they’re clipped during dinner, then you’re as good as deceased.”
I blinked the blood out of my eyes and looked up at the torturer.
“Please kill me before you read me another of those.”
Relativism
I watched the tape of the Filipinos nailing themselves to crosses and winced.
I winced harder at the sight of Muslims whipping themselves bloody on Ashura.
What kind of God makes his followers hurt themselves like that?
I shook my head, closed up the laptop, and headed to my aunt’s house for the family’s Passover feast.
Usually, my mom cooked, but my aunt insisted this year.
I parked the car, and as I stepped on to the porch…
Oh, god! The stench!
Got a spare cross handy? How about a chain?
I’ll suffer anything but having to eat this crap!
The Elf On The Shelf
Little Steven sits on the floor, humming a tune:
There’s an elf
On the shelf
Sitting all
By himself
I look up on the shelf and see the elf.
I didn’t buy it for him.
Did you? No?
Then where did it come from?
There’s no way that he could get it up there.
The stepstool is too short to reach it.
His toychest is too heavy to move.
And he couldn’t have thrown it up there.
I reach for the elf.
Did you see that? Did you see it move?
I put it in a drawer.
And lock it.