George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Most pirates had a girl in every port.
Sometimes more than one, depending on the money.
George wasn’t like that.
He had someone special back home
George would send letters from every port he visited.
When he arrived back home, they’d read them together under a tree they’d planted when they were young.
Then, one year, George returned home, but his letters were waiting for him, undelivered.
George put them under the tree they’d planted together, where she’d been buried.
His crewmates found his body, hanging from the tree.
George’s Golden Ticket
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When he felt depressed, he ate.
“What is this?” said George, opening a Wonka Bar and seeing a Golden Ticket.
“It says you’ll get a tour of Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory,” said the captain. “And you’ll get all the chocolate you could ever want.”
They set sail for the chocolate factory, but bad weather prevented George from getting there on time for the tour or the chocolate.
Which made him even more depressed.
He opened another Wonka Bar. Another Golden Ticket.
He crumpled it up and threw it overboard.
George is sorry
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He said “Sorry” a lot, even though he wasn’t genuinely sorry.
He tried to feel genuinely sorry, but he never did.
“You’re not really sorry,” said a man that George had just stabbed.
George sighed. “You’re right,” he said. “I don’t feel sorry. But I want to.”
George sat down and wrote an apology note.
Then, he revised his draft, correcting his spelling and grammar.
Finally, he wrote a clean copy of the note and handed it to the guy he’d stabbed.
But by then, the man was dead.
George reality
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He couldn’t figure out why he was still a pirate.
Why would a crew keep an incompetent like George around?
That’s when George decided he was in a reality television show.
Every now and then, he’d stop and shake one of his crewmates.
“This can’t be real,” he’d say. “Fess up.”
But the pirates were pirates, not actors.
George peeked in every crate and cupboard for cameras and microphones.
Eventually, he gave up, and accepted that things were real.
“Real bad,” said the captain, writing the next day’s script.
George sees his reflection
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The captain constantly shouted at George, making an example of George for the others.
“YOU’RE NOT A VERY GOOD PIRATE! WHY CAN’T YOU BE A GOOD PIRATE?”
When he was just getting his sea legs, he wasn’t very good.
But with time and experience, he got better.
It was the captain who wasn’t a very good pirate. Or a very good leader.
George looked at the crew and wondered who would make a good replacement captain.
Then he looked in his mop bucket, saw his reflection, and pondered mutiny.
George’s email
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He rarely checked his work e-mail, so he missed a lot of memos about training for new equipment or work schedule changes.
He also never bothered to delete his email. His inbox used up a lot of storage, and the ship’s quartermaster got on George about needing to clear up some space.
So, George created a rule to just automatically delete everything that landed in his inbox.
He still missed training session and work schedule changes, but at least the quartermaster was off of his back about meaningless shit.
Weekly Challenge #919: Contact Lens
LIZZIE
“What kind of flower is that?” She asked.
“This is a very special flower,” he answered.
“What do you mean?”
“It’s a contact lens. It helps us to see the future.”
She looked unsure.
“The future?”
“Yep.”
She looked even more unsure.
“How so?”
“Look.”
Then, he whispered and the flower wavered slightly in the wind.
“In a year’s time, this garden will be wonderful, full of life, and filled with beautiful flowers. You know why? Because when you cherish something, everything flourishes.”
She smiled.
Just as he thought, that small flower helped with a lot more than the future.
RICHARD
In the eye of the beholder
I thought she had the most beautiful blue eyes, until we hooked up, and I found out she was wearing tinted contact lenses.
I could live with that, thanks to her gorgeous, long golden hair, until the night I ran my fingers through it, and the wig came off in my hands.
At least she still had a figure to die for, until I realised the breasts were fake and she wore a corset.
The worst part was discovering one of her long, shapely legs was false, when she took it off at night.
She had a lovely personality though.
LISA
Deceptive Appearances
His eye colour seemingly changes with every visit, I thought I was mistaken at first but I think he’s wearing coloured contacts.
With all days blending into one it’s hard to remember things. I chant them to keep them fresh in my head, hoping I’ll survive and need to use them as evidence. It’s hard and I’ve got a permanent tension headache. But what else can I do?
The girls tentatively told me earlier that there were others down here but he took them and didn’t bring them back. I don’t, and won’t, tell them about the bodies we found.
SERENDIPIDY
Lost your contact lens, are you quite sure?
Come closer and let me look.
No, it’s still there, in the corner of your eye. Hold still and lets see if I can slide it into place.
Oh dear. Me and my fat fingers! This isn’t working.
What I need is something thin to slip under the edge, and ease it across.
Maybe this razor blade will do the trick?
Now, what did I say about holding still?
Stop squirming, won’t you?
Oh my goodness!
I told you not to squirm!
On the bright side. You only need one lens now!
TOM
NORVAL JOE
Billbert stood at the door to Grandma Buhmilda’s Biscayne, ready to climb in.
“Linny,” Mr. Withybottom growled at his daughter. “Come with me.”
She glared at him with one eye nearly closed as if she had lost a contact lens. “No. I’m going with my friends.”
“They’re not your friends. Now, come on,” he said much louder.
“Yeah, Lindy,” Sabrina sneered. “We’re not your friends. Go with daddy.”
Linnoliumanda’s face dropped at Sabrina’s declaration.
“Don’t listen to her, Linnoliumanda,” Billbert said. “You’re my friend, and whether Sabrina admits it or not, you two are cousins. Maybe you have magic, too.”
PLANET Z
Tiffany wore glasses.
She shuddered at the thought of sticking something in her eye.
She couldn’t even bring herself to use eyedrops.
The best she could do was stand in the shower with her eyes closed, face the shower head, and open her eyes.
And even then, it took a lot of will to open her eyes.
When her eyesight got worse, she was offered the chance for surgery, but just the thought of it… she would rather go blind.
“We can knock you out for it if you like,” said the doctor.
Counting down from ten, fading into sleep.c
George the Clown
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He wasn’t a very good clown, either.
But every Christmas, he’d dress up in his clown outfit and visit the kids in the hospital.
He tried to juggle, but he dropped the rubber balls.
The balloon animals would pop halfway through the twists.
He was just pathetic.
But the kids laughed, which is all that mattered.
They’d make drawings of him, a clown on a pirate ship.
He tacked them up around his bunk, and he’d read the letters while out at sea.
Until his return the next year.
George on Easter
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He believed in Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny.
For Christmas, he left out milk and cookies for Santa.
For The Tooth Fairy, well, George Brushed and flossed and wore a mouthguard in battle, so he had to rely on his crewmates’ teeth to put under his pillow.
And for the Easter Bunny, he put out a rabbit trap.
“Roast rabbit is delicious!” said George.
His crewmates stepped in the trap a lot.
Some got gangrene, and they’d need an amputation.
“Those aren’t delicious,” said George.
George gets audited
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was good about filing his tax returns, though.
He expensed his hat, boots, sword, and other essential equipment.
Which is why he got audited every year.
“You’re a… pirate?” said the auditor, looking at George’s paperwork. “If you perform at birthday parties, you’re an entertainer.”
“No, I’m a pirate,” said George. “Just not a very good one. I supplement my income with birthday parties.”
The auditor calculated the fine.
George tied him to a chair and set the room on fire.
Like we all wish we could do.