i used to wonder about obituaries that appear days or months after the person had died.
When my sick evil father died, I wondered what pack of lies and bullshit would appear in his obituary.
So, after a few weeks, I searched for it.
And didn’t find anything.
Well, I wasn’t about to write one.
And my brother wasn’t either.
His widow? A dementia-ridden crone only capable of digesting expensive food and shitting everywhere.
Whether prompt or delayed, they all still say “survived by” in them.
When the actual survivors of evil scumbags like him never write them at all.
Loving family
Word got out that Cindy died.
The notice said that she was surrounded by family.
Some people envision a hospital bed, where everyone’s standing around and telling her that they love her.
A beautiful scene, no.
While I envision a cage in the basement, where all her family members have spears to poke through the bars.
“OUT, DEMON!” they all shout. “Let our Cindy go!”
And stab Cindy repeatedly until she succumbs to her wounds.
Anastasia, the Russian Princess, she died surrounded by her loving family, too.
As they were all poisoned and shot to death in the palace basement.
Verlander the slut
Morganna Roberts was known as The Kissing Bandit.
The huge-breasted ex-stripper would run on to the field to kiss the players.
Or coaches. Or mascots, like the San Diego Chicken.
She’d sometimes get injured. Or the security guards took her away.
And she was charged with trespassing or some other charge that would eventually get dropped.
Or she’d pay the fine out the money she made from public appearances and her line of cosmetics and souvenirs.
She made millions.
And then, there’s Justin Verlander.
One game in two years, then injured. Sixty-five million dollars.
Tell me, who’s the bigger slut?
Prescriptions
I recently quit my job.
But I quit my job on the first of the month, so I’ve got insurance until month’s end.
My prescriptions are running out, so I ordered refills last night, and this morning, the drugstore said they were ready.
And they were ready.
No insurance issues.
No doctor’s authorization issues.
No problems with supply at the drugstore.
No line full of people yelling about insurance, doctors, and supply.
I walked in, I said my name, and paid with my Apple Watch.
It’s the first time that everything went right.
I should quit my job more often.
Support role
When I was an IT Manager, I didn’t do much managing.
I was the only IT person for most of that job, and had half a headcount to cover for me when I was out sick or on vacation.
I wrote up documentation that nobody read, offered training that they never learned from.
And every call was an emergency when it wasn’t.
When I’d help the person, I’d make sure they used the keyboard and mouse because they needed to do the thing.
Plus, if you stand behind someone and point at the screen, you can look down their blouse.
Not a miracle
It was the first night of Hanukkah, and Ted only had a few candles.
He cut them into smaller pieces, and he did his best to make them last all 8 nights.
“God made the oil last for 8 days,” said Ted. “So I figure he’ll make these candles last, too.”
But God didn’t. The candles were all used up after 3 days.
Ted went outside and wondered why God didn’t make them last.
A bush in the front yard caught fire.
“Because you used candles instead of oil, dummy,” said God.
Ted used snow to put out the fire.
Weekly Challenge #1025 – Correlation
- Richard
- Lisa
- Tom
- Lizzie
- Serendipidy
- Norval Joe
- Planet Z
LISA
Homework
Mum and Dad were arguing so Michael went upstairs to learn this week’s spellings. He hated English with its pointless silent letters: it was altogether too tricky.
He googles word after word but gets stuck on ‘Correlation’. He sounds it out slowly before spelling it aloud. He’s struggling to get the meaning so can’t put it in a sentence.
When it gets quieter in the house he goes downstairs only to find his Mum missing and Dad in a pile of blood. Realisation dawns and a sentence comes to him but Dad says to run to the neighbours for help.
LIZZIE
The correlation between death and peace is a difficult one. People say, rest in peace. Peace is a given for the departed. But what about those who stay behind. Ah, they have it easy, they are not dead.
The correlation between friendship and stupidity is a difficult one. How are you doing, they ask, a serious look on their faces. What does one reply? Fine, now that I have peace of mind? Or… oh, terrible, I miss them so much?
The correlation between the truth and a lie is not a difficult one. One small step, a word, and voilá.
RICHARD
Sing Sing
The committee was adamant. The makeup of the choir had to be more inclusive, with a more ethnically representative selection of members.
Of course, as membership secretary, the task of recruiting more diverse choristers fell to me.
I thought I was doing a pretty good job, but I was taken to task again at the next committee meeting for not being inclusive enough.
There was, apparently, a gap in our ranks that I was obliged to find someone to fill; and that someone needed to be from South East Asia.
Which is why I’m now advertising for a choral Asian!
SERENDIPIDY
Is there really a correlation between playing violent video games and kids re-enacting what they see on the screen, in real life?
Depends who you ask, I suppose. Some experts are adamant there’s a tangible connection between thuggery and shoot ’em ups, whilst others will tell you it’s nonsense.
I imagine you’re now thinking this is the point where I tell you that I was a gentle, caring soul before I discovered video nasties; after which I became a serial killer.
Wrong!
I’ve always been a serial killer. That’s where I get my inspiration for creating violent video games.
TOM
How can you be in two places at once when you’re not anywhere at all.
Ok, so we have a prompt of: causation. My long-standing rule for
proceeding is going with the first thing that spills out of head.
Breaking that this week, not doing: causation vs correlation. Way too
easy and I bet a bunch of us will bit at that Newton’s apple. So, I’m
doing quantum mechanics, the penultimate example of correlation.
Correlation shows two variables move together associated. But causation
means one variable directly makes the other change. Wait a second that’s
quantum mechanics whole thing. It’s correlcausa
NORVAL JOE
With the jewelry box on the table Sabrina took the locket from Billbert. She opened it and removed the heart-shaped ruby from the side opposite the picture.
The correlation was obvious. She placed the stone in the jewelry box lid. The box clicked and the lid popped up a fraction. In it, they found several ornate rings. Billbert recognized them from the ceremony months before. He wore one that matched a ring on Sabrina’s hand.
Among the other items was a golden magnifying glass. Mandy picked it up, looked through it at a dancing girl figurine, and the figurine disappeared.
PLANET Z
To you, he was a beloved figure. To me, he was a fucking asshole. Yelling at fawning college kids and recent graduates writing pointless news stories because of shitty mistakes. But the more they paid him the cheaper they went with the kids feeding the prompter. He played freecell instead of checking their work. He wouldn’t go to any speech or community gathering without them handing him a check first or an envelope with cash. in every promo that pretended he or his cohorts gave a shit about the community or actually worked, I would laugh and grit my teeth.
Auction block
The Pirates of the Caribbean ride has been updated and upgraded over the years.
The figures and songs adjusted to modern sensibilities.
Instead of a pirate chasing a woman around, it’s an angry woman with a broom chasing a pirate.
Women robots harassed throughout the town, replaced with animals or other nasty pirates.
And instead of women being auctioned, it’s now a lady pirate auctioning off chickens.
What happened to the old robots?
Too old for reuse, some were thrown out.
Then recovered from dumpsters, and auctioned off on eBay.
Just things for sale on the auction block, once again.
Shoot to kill
Agencies want to know three things:
Are you willing to kill?
Are you able to kill?
And can you do it without leaving a trace back to you or them?
Marco’s Imports likes to test new talent by assigning someone they’d personally want dead.
An uncle who’d molested them as a child. A detested cousin.
To them, it’s all about family.
The Diamond Exchange sends their candidates after the homeless, the drug addicts.
People nobody would miss.
My outfit, Consulting Limited, prefers the last man standing method.
The real talent shines through, and no awkward rejection notices necessary.
Sign here.
The ship we are
I cannot describe the ship.
Its surface absorbs all light.
Its shape, indeterminate.
One moment, I was standing outside if it, I put my hand out…
And the next, I was inside of it, looking out through a clear surface that surrounded me.
I was standing, but on nothing.
No lights, but I could see all around me.
And breathe.
I felt myself melting, becoming one with the ship.
Knowing everything it knew.
Let’s go somewhere, I thought.
Suddenly, I was out in the stars.
So much darkness, so much light, so much color.
I saw everything.
And we flew.