Turkey bacon

Writers write with pen, paper, typewriters, and computers.
Some use text to speech, where they talk, and they get text.
Voice recognition is much better these days.
Forget speech to text. I want speech to bacon.
I want to be able to say “Bacon” to a machine, and have the machine print bacon.
Fully-cooked, crispy bacon.
What would you load such a machine with?
Raw bacon? Pigs?
Certainly not turkey meat, because turkey bacon is not bacon.
When I say “Bacon” I want bacon, not turkey bacon.
And when I say “Turkey Bacon” I want bacon. Because I said “Bacon.”

Weekly Challenge #663 – Irritation



Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

I got your back...

LIZZIE

Reflect and Engage

Life would never be the same. He was leaving everything behind. He wanted that, but he feared it as well.
As he approached the exit, he looked back and he saw the carnivore plants he had created and grown. They stood motionless and eerie behind the glass wall.
For a split second, he wished he could give up and go back to doing his magic and growing the most unusual plants. But he couldn’t. So, he left.
A week later, he received an urgent appeal. He had to go back. The plants, in a fit of anger, were eating everyone.

JERRY

Obsolete ideas still engage the mind.

To pounce on a new idea sometimes call for some mental gymnastics and some time to reflect.
When you engage in this sport it is required that you have a support group ready to catch you if you fail to consider all the possible consequences.
Especially those actions that could do permanent damage.
The girls had not considered what doing the hokey pokey could do to their body and mind.

Put your left foot in
Your left foot out
Your left foot in
And shake it all about

It is easier said than done. 

RICHARD

New Year Resolution

‘Engage With Girls Easier!’

The strapline emblazoned across the top of the flyer immediately caught my attention.

Normally, junk mail goes straight in the bin, but my luck with girls lately had been pretty appalling, mainly due to my social ineptitude.  Maybe, with the New Year, it was time to make a resolution to change.

‘Reflect on your chat up technique’, the flyer said, ‘Do you get tied up in mental gymnastics, then awkwardly pounce and scare girls off?’

Don’t cling to those obsolete practices, sign up now!

‘(Only £250 a session)’

I crumpled up the flyer… Maybe next year.

SERENDIPIDY

Girls who do gymnastics are so much more fun than regular folks.

Their general stamina and fitness keeps them going when others would give up and succumb to pain and exhaustion; and their flexibility and resilience lends itself to all sorts of interesting contortions.

Of course, when I snap your limbs at ninety degrees in the wrong direction, and twist your joints until they grind and pop, even the most accomplished gymnast is going to scream in pain.

But I like the pretty shapes they make so much…

And I think artistic impression scores far more highly, than technical ability.

TOM

My Own Private Health Plan

“Welcome to Reflect Engage your new totally immersive health plan. You can now tailor a health regiment to busy life style and questionable physical abilities. Your first step on the long road to optimum wellness starts with a mild pin-prick,” delivered the robotic voice. Bernie flexed against the five point restraints. “I just came in for an aspirin,” he addressed the glowing screen of the Med Tech 105. “Aspirin is a level one drug. A full admistrative implant will been needed.” A telescoping armature impacted his upper arm. “Thank you for choosing FC health solutions.” Bernie could feel the burn 

 JON

Higher, Faster, Stronger

By

Jon DeCles

It is an obsolete notion that females are not equal to males, but I must still reflect on the differences.

In gymnastics a female must pounce on her chance at competition because she reaches her peak of performance at an earlier age than a male. Girls must engage with the sport quickly and fiercely, and their careers may fly away when they are seventeen or eighteen.

It is easier for Boys, who can remain in top form at times until their mid-twenties.

I am hoping that will even out as athletes continue to push defiantly against the boundaries of age.

TURA

The Menunna-Qurud is the most ancient text known from the region that some thousands of years later would be called Sumer. Written in ophioglyphs believed to have been obsolete even at the time of writing, it describes either gymnastic exercises or religious devotions, or perhaps some hybrid (as evidenced in our own time by the practices the Hindoos call yoga). But they defy translation, unless one accepts Professor Challenger’s scarcely to be believed thesis, that they do not refer to the human figure, but to a loathsome and degenerate race of humanity, hybridised with monstrous creatures of the deep.

NORVAL JOE

Billbert’s father paced the room and then turned on him like he was about to pounce. “Tell me the truth, son. Did Linoliumanda see you fly?”
He tried to come up with a lie, but decided it would be easier to come clean. “I’m pretty sure she saw me.”
His father begged, “Can you convince her it was something else she saw? Maybe, that you were just practicing gymnastics.”
Billbert smiled, sheepishly. “That would be hard to do, Dad. She actually flew with me. She thought I had magic.”
“Girls?” Mr. Spankinflysher said. “They get us into so much trouble.”

PLANET Z

Romanov coached gymnastics somewhere on the other side of the Iron Curtain.Nobody’s sure of exactly where… he arrived without papers, and we’ve never figured out his accent.And he refuses to talk about his past..But what he’s able to get the girls to do, well, it’s amazing.The power, the balance, the speed, the grace, and the precision.Things beyond the capability of ordinary humans.”Just takes dedication and motivation,” says Romanov, and he claps his hands for the next routine.Did you see that? Did their eyes flash red?Nah, couldn’t be. I must be imagining things.



Thinking

He thinks too much.
Thoughts roll around in his head.
Over and over.
Always thinking, never doing.
Trapped in thought, frozen.
He calls them the echoes.
Thoughts echoing in his head.
Things that have happened.
Things that might happen.
Things that never happened. But should have.
He’s just sitting there, thinking.
What are you thinking about?
Why are you thinking about it?
What are you going to do about it?
Think some more.
And then some more.
Keep thinking about it.
Over and over.
When will you stop thinking about it so much?
When there’s something else to think about.

Cool to the touch

It’s three in the morning, and the baby won’t stop crying.
I put on my gloves, reach into the immersion tank, and pull the baby out of its liquid Nitrogen bath.
An odd fog follows the baby and rolls off of its skin.
I lay the baby on the insulated blanket on my shoulder and rock it gently to sleep.
Then, I put the baby back into the liquid Nitrogen.
The fog envelops the baby, as I take off the gloves and blanket, and lay them on the chair.
I check my skin for burns, and go back to bed.

The cabinet

In my room, there’s a cabinet.
The cabinet was my grandmother’s.
Or maybe my great-grandmother’s. I can’t remember.
The cabinet has glass doors and lights in the shelves.
I keep keepsakes and memories of friends long gone in there.
I keep the doors closed, but dust always seems to get in somehow.
So, I open it up and dust everything off again.
Every piece I pick up to dust off reminds me of someone. Or some time. Or place.
Sometimes, I can’t remember.
I should write these memories down, I guess.
I close the doors and turn out the lights.

Space cowboy

Yes, some people call me the Space Cowboy, the Gangster of Love, and Maurice, but my driver’s license says Melvin Kaminsky.
I keep a to do list in my smartphone:
Pick, grin, love, sin, play my music in the sun, joke, and smoke.
Oh, and a reminder to toke up at midnight.
Okay, so I usually don’t wait until midnight to toke.
And I play my music inside while I play Warcraft.
And grin. I grin a lot, too.
And eat Little Debbie’s Snack Cakes. And pizza.
At least when I order from Domino’s, I use the name Space Cowboy.

Sleepy phone

My iPhone wouldn’t wake up.
I pressed the home key, but it didn’t respond.
It didn’t respond when I pressed the lock key, either.
When I plugged the phone in, it didn’t respond.
I panicked.
Is the Apple Store open? Is it still under warranty? How much will this cost?
So, I Googled “iphone doesn’t respond” on my laptop.
The Apple website told me to press and hold the home and lock keys at the same time for ten seconds.
And I did that.
The Apple logo appeared on the screen, and thirty seconds later, thankfully, the home screen appeared.

What’s the harm?

What if that spot on your arm isn’t just a spot?
A patch of rough skin or a simple blemish?
It doesn’t hurt. It’s not growing… much.
It cleared up a little with the cream, right?
It’s nothing to worry about, really.
Maybe if you stopped scratching it. Or picking at it.
It’ll clear up eventually.
But what if… you should have it checked.
Just take a morning or afternoon off, see the doctor.
Have them look, maybe clip a sample off.
What’s the harm?
Better to know and do something now than wait, right?
What’s the harm in that?

Weekly Challenge #662 – Irritation



Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

Tinny

LIZZIE

Christopher’s general state of irritation annoyed everyone. The temple was supposed to bring inner piece. Yet, Christopher’s constant sarcastic remarks made the community wish they could do something about it.
“The statue. Pathetic. A feeble attempt at being modern.”
The members shrugged.
“That little stupid heart at the so-called feet of the statue. Idiotic.”
The others looked away.
“And the colors. Pink or something.”
It was purple.
So, the others grabbed Christopher and locked him in the catacombs.
He would join the other one they h

RICHARD

Pop!

Bubble wrap: The single most ill-advised invention in history.

I know it’s great for packaging and protection; but like all plastics, when it’s thrown out, it’s an environmental nightmare.

But that’s not why I hate it.

I hate bubble wrap purely because of its therapeutic properties… That wonderful sense of satisfaction and well-being experienced by spending a pleasant half hour, popping all those little bubbles.

It’s a wonderful stress reliever and thoroughly relaxing…

For the person doing the popping.

But, if like me, you have to put up with the resident popper, it’s the greatest irritation known to man!

SERENDIPIDY

Irritation… That simple, but hugely effective technique for breaking down your adversary, with little outlay in terms of effort. 

Take the Chinese water torture: A single drip, repeated, time and time again – a small irritation that develops over time into an all-consuming, soul-destroying instrument of despair.

But I’m not going to go to such extremes.

I’m simply going to dial your number. Wait until you answer. Then hang up.

Time, and time again. 

It’s torture.

And you won’t dare let it ring, in case your wife answers the phone.

And I tell her all about your affair.

TURA

Irritation

———

Jane and I were identical twins. Our mother would dress us exactly the same, which annoyed us both, but when we were old enough, we could go shopping separately and find we’d bought the same things. Picking out clothes for the day, we’d have to arrange together who would wear what if we wanted to be different.
But the most irritating thing was that when we were out somewhere, elderly women would come and coo over us, “Are you twiiiins? How cuuuuute!”
Eventually we found the perfect answer. We would reply solemnly, “We were triplets, but one of us died.”

JON

Mindless Unawareness

 By

 Jon DeCles

There are a lot of things that irritate me in these times when I have to flush the toilet after humans, but the chief irritation is with humans who pile tableware, i.e., knives, forks, and spoons, interleaved with the ceramic items, thereby achieving chips and cracks and the frequent breakage of our plates and cups and saucers. I explain to them why theymust not do that and they ignore me and continue to do it on a daily basis, destroying things that other people have worked hard to provide.

I saw on a poster that Devo is still performing.

Mystery

By

Jon DeCles

It was not the kind of mystery you solve, it was the kind of Mystery into which you are initiated, the kind that sometimes contains a sacrament, to which the Mystery provides a key of understanding, like the ritual cannibalism at the heart of the Catholic (most notably Roman) Mysteries.

But it led to the other kind of mystery when Detective Officer Alliente was called to discover exactly who the remains on the altar of the old church might be, and how and why the one kind of Mystery was being perverted into the other kind in the abandoned church.

TOM

In the last days of wonder                                                    

Sally in the time honored aspect of a kid sister was a complete irritation to her older sib Ann. She would materialize wherever Ann was meeting with her cadre. And much to her vexation none of her closest friend saw this as a problem. Some actually found the little brat enduring. Just as the whole matter was coming to a head, and quite suddenly Sally up and removes herself from Ann life. She fell into a life of deep study and contemplation. Try as she now did Ann could not get her sister attention. Be careful what you wish for.

JERRY

I felt annoyed.

I was becoming impatient.

You could even say I was slightly angry. 
It was not something that I could place my finger on.

It was just something that was restlessly moving around in the back of my mind.
Sort of like the empty space where a tooth had been. 
The space the very tip of your tongue finds time after time.
You worry with it, slipping you tongue into it without thinking.
Yes, that annoyed, impatient, and angry feeling was keeping me awake at night.
The question is what am I going to do about this irritation.

NORVAL JOE

Billbert’s father frowned. Was it disappointment, frustration, or irritation? “You have your powers already?” he asked.
“Well, yeah. When I wear a plastic grocery bag, I can fly. It’s no big deal, dad.”
“A plastic grocery bag?” his father asked but didn’t give him time to answer. “Eventually, you’ll probably be able to fly without it. It’s like training wheels.”
Billbert shrugged. “Okay.” The bag crinkled when he shifted.
His father’s eyes went wide. “You didn’t wear a bag to  Linoliumanda’s party, did you?”
Billbert swallowed.
His father gritted his teeth. “Please tell me. No one saw you fly. Right?”

PLANET Z

Fred was an irritant.So much so, he was forced to wear one of those Fire Diamond symbols on his shirt.You know, those diamond-shaped symbols with numbers that represent health hazards of chemicals and stuff.His flammability index was a 1. But most people are, really.His instability index was also a 1. Once again, most people are.And his health index was a 1. Prolonged exposure caused severe irritation and health hazards.People asked him what the symbol on his shirt meant, and he’d gladly explain it to them at length.And make them regret ever asking him.

Thank goodness it was just Nazis

Elie Wiesel, the author and humanitarian, died recently.
His books are scary enough as is, but they’re even scarier when you substitute the word “cannibal clown” for “Nazi.”
Because, let’s face it… there’s some evil people in this world who love Nazis, or hate Jews, or both.
But everybody’s afraid of cannibal clowns, right?
Cannibal clowns down’t stop at Jews, Gypsies, cripples, gays, and political dissidents.
They eat everyone. And unlike the Nazis, no amount of appeasement by the Swiss will stop them.
Those cannibal clowns would rip those clock-making, chocolate-swilling mountaineers to bits.
Thank goodness it was just Nazis!