Groucho once said: “Why it’s so simple, a four year-old child could understand it. Now go out and get me a four year old child cause I can’t make head or tail of it.”
His assistants would load up their child-catching van, head to the playground, and capture a four year-old to bring back to Groucho.
Not only did the child not understand, but their parents were disagreeable about the kidnapping.
Most were mollified by an autographed photo, but others insisted on money.
Once, they threatened to press charges.
Harpo killed them. He knew how to keep his mouth shut.
Tag: crime
Roughing It
When I was young, we’d go camping.
Well, almost.
It was more of a log cabin-themed motel with pine trees planted in the field by the parking lot.
A bed as uncomfortable as a sleeping bag.
There was a lake, but we never went to it.
Which was good, since I don’t like boats. Or fishing.
Or camping.
There were bugs, though. Lots of them.
I don’t remember any roasting marshmallows or hot dogs, but I do remember a fire.
I think everybody got out in time. I don’t think anybody got hurt.
We drove home.
My bed felt wonderful.
The Tree
I suppose we should go over a few things.
We’ve been fighting over that tree for too long. We need to settle this before it gets out of hand.
First, you said it’s on my side of the property line, so I have to take care of it.
But you took all the fruit from it.
Then, during the storm, I’m supposed to pay for that branch that fell on your house.
So, I cut it down. But you sued me?
That’s why I made a coffin from the wood.
Now sign this release, or I’ll bury you in it.
Detention
After I burned the school down, Principal Green said I’d get a million years of detention.
All he managed to do was expel me.
“But it’s going on your permanent record!” he shouted, shaking his fist.
Getting out of school was the best thing that ever happened to me. I could continue my scientific research uninterrupted by gym and French, and within a year I had a cure for cancer.
Soon after, by extending the telomeres of DNA, a cure for death.
People could live forever.
After I received my Nobel Prize, the cops showed up. “Now about that detention…”
The Speed Of Pie And Ice Cream
The speed of light is faster than the speed of sound, that’s why you see lightning before you hear thunder.
Dr. Fred Beamer’s spent his whole life researching this phenomenon.
Well, he was supposed to be researching it.
I looked through his file and found that he’d expensed years of meals at a local diner to the university.
“What?” Dr. Fred said, wiping his mouth with a napkin. “I thought I was supposed to be researching pie and ice cream.”
He got me added to his grant. And if you keep quiet, he’ll add you, too.
Now try the blueberry.
Last Call
Joe’s retirement “party” is at the corner bar.
Years of experience catching serial killers, gone to budget cuts.
It was either retire or get fired.
Everybody’s here. Even the goddamned beancounters.
“There was one I never caught,” says Joe. “The Lifetime Supply Killer.”
I remember that case. Guy would send his victims a box of poisoned chocolate bars, telling them they won a lifetime supply of chocolate.
“Kinda funny, really,” said Joe.
The Director calls for a toast. We raise our glasses.
Joe stops me. “It’s a lifetime supply of champagne,” he whispers.
“To Joe!” everyone says.
And he drinks.
Unlike Johnny
Unlike Johnny Appleseed, Louie Landmine was a real prick.
He went around the countryside, planting landmines.
Every so often, you’d hear an explosion. Another victim of Louie’s vile project.
Prick.
Whenever Louie got arrested, he managed to make bail.
Or, if the judge didn’t allow for bail, his attorney would win the case.
“Where’s your evidence?” he said. “Were there any witnesses? Anything to match his fingerprints to left?”
The jury would usually end up hung, or find him not guilty.
Until the court managed to find twelve of his victims to pack a jury.
They shot him at dawn.
Advent Towers
Don’t you just love those Christmas-time crime sprees?
Burglars were going through the old apartment building like an Advent calendar.
They robbed each apartment in numerical order, leaving a small chocolate candy and thoughtful Bible verse on the floor for the residents to discover when they returned.
After the third burglary, the cops actually followed up on their promise to send a patrol by to check on things, but they just missed the burglars.
So, the next night, they had a patrolman waiting in the fifth apartment.
They found him bound and gagged the next morning, chocolate in his mouth.
Elevens
Bob rolled the dice… eleven. Win.
Bob rolled the dice again… eleven. Win.
Bob rolled the dice once again… eleven. Win.
The base dealer rapidly exchanged chips, and then the stickman pushed the pile to Bob.
The pit boss put his hand on the stick. “Late bet,” he said.
The stickman raked the chips back in.
“Excuse me?” said Bob. “I didn’t move anything.”
“I said late bet, sir. Place your bets.”
The videotape showed Bob shoving the stick up the pit boss’ ass, shouting LATE BET THIS!
The casino owner chuckled, and added it to his all-time favorites shelf.
Cause Of Death
My cousin died the other day.
We’d just been talking on the phone, telling each other about everything like we always do.
She was found alone in her chair at home.
Everyone in the family worried that it had been suicide.
Because if it had been suicide, she’d not get a proper burial in the family plot.
So, I confessed… it was me… I murdered her.
I refused bail and sat in jail, thinking of her.
The guards came to tell me the autopsy showed it wasn’t suicide. She’d had a heart attack, that’s all.
And they set me loose.