After the wildfire destroyed part of the city, the mayor and city council promised they do everything to help rebuild. But despite millions of dollars spent on planning and outreach, not a single environmental impact regulation or building code or contract was addressed. Eventually, the frustrated homeowners enlisted dozens of homeless people to raid the mayor and city council‘s homes and build campfires in their fancy living rooms. Their suburban mansions all burned down. The fire chief was lambasted for the slow response. He shrugged and said I was off duty, and the hotel I’m in has lousy cell reception.
Early retirement
After months of job hunting, I’ve picked up a lot of good tips for questions to ask during interviews. Not that I get a lot of interviews. A lot of places use AI to filter out applications before a human ever sees them, let alone you have a chance at a face-to-face interview. But one of the good ones is why is this job opportunity open. You can find out if somebody got promoted or if they downsized and are re-hiring. I asked it as an assistant in a magicians knife throwing act. He said early retirement.
Our princess
I’m sure you’ve heard of the phrase thank you, Mario, but our princess is in another castle. Well it turns out that our princess likes to hang out at the White Castle Thursday nights and sure enough. She’s getting her sliders and Dr Pepper fix tonight. We probably should’ve told you because instead of dodging mushrooms and fireballs and bridges and some giant turtle dude, it’s a lot easier to find a parking space at the White Castle and walk in. Although if you hang around, sometimes she gets her order to go, and she brings back a little extra.
Tanking the season
I’ve been a Houston Astros fan for a pretty long time, back when they were good then they got to the World Series somehow, then they really sucked, and then they were good and cheated, and we’re still good until they really started to slide. Now, instead of catching their games on TV or through streaming from the Internet, I watch all the commentators bitch about how much they suck. It’s a lot more entertaining and a hell of a lot less anxiety about watching the actual games. I know they’ll lose, the only mystery is how and how badly.
Keep the farm
Papa Joe made Papa Wally, my daddy, promise not to sell the farm.
Daddy kept his promise, but when he gave me the farm, he also gave me overdue property tax bills.
All our neighbors had left with the money developers gave them, and the developers built all these houses.
Those families didn’t want us to sell out to developers, so they bribe me to keep the farm as a kind of nature preserve.
Even more than the cost of the property taxes. And your college bills.
Just keep talking to the developers to scare up their bribes a bit.
Weekly Challenge #1046 – Complete idiot
- Lisa
- Lizzie
- Richard
- Lewie
- Serendipidy
- Tom
- Norval Joe
- Planet Z
LEWIE
The newspaper described John as an idiot. Frustrated, he threw the paper down in his lap.
“That editor is a complete idiot,” he said.
His wife, well aware of the outdated clinical classifications, asked, “How does that compare to an incomplete idiot?”
John stared at her, irritated, trying to understand her point.
“He called me an idiot,” he explained.
“The last I checked, both you and he had PhDs.” she replied. “I don’t think that word means what you think it means.”
John grumbled behind the newspaper, “As you wish”, and continued reading the article written by a complete idiot.
RICHARD
Qualified Opinion
Correct me if I’m wrong: it seems to me that these days that to hold a position of leadership in politics, the primary qualification is to be a complete idiot.
Gone are the days when integrity, honesty and the capacity to hold one’s own in a debate without resorting to crudity and insults were key qualities of one in such positions.
Neither do you need to champion, listen to, or otherwise care about the people you represent.
Maybe it’s time we made them wear the red noses, make-up and giant shoes, and fool around like the clowns they clearly are.
LISA
A Subscription Kit
It’s something I can’t miss out on. The first collaboration with Lego and a subscription provider. A weekly lego delivery offering the chance to build a limited edition piece over a year.
I sign up immediately.
Initially, it’s reasonably priced. And then it doubles. And then the cost doubles again. And I can’t back out because although it’s only one tiny block I’m getting a month I need to finish to see the bigger picture.
By Christmas I’ve built a small frame. The last issue contains a little mirror and a tube of glue. My complete idiot lego kit done.
LIZZIE
The ticket booth was empty.
“I guess it’s free today.”
When he entered the fairgrounds, a man chasing him yelled, “Ticket, ticket!”
He explained that he did try to buy a ticket.
The man waved his hand dismissively.
“How many?”
He replied, “One.”
The man looked at him. “Now you must pay for two.”
“Two?! Why?”
“Because I say so.”
Wrong answer, he thought. “Do you have a death wish?”
The man blinked.
“Give me one ticket.”
The man gave him one ticket and charged him for two.
Good thing there was a loose plank right next to the booth.
SERENDIPIDY
Only a complete idiot would leave their fingerprints and DNA all over the scene of a crime they’d just committed, right?
Naturally, I don’t consider myself to be an idiot, so I always take particular care to avoid contaminating the scene with any evidence that might incriminate me.
Paper overalls, gloves and a face mask are essential; hilariously, I employ exactly the same approach as the forensic investigators who come after me!
However, you will find plenty of fingerprints and other evidence all over my handiwork.
It’s stuff I’ve kept from my previous victim: call it, recycling, if you like!
TOM
To long a list to even index by topic.
Complete idiot is my default state. Rushing head long into some enterprise way out side my skill level. I would not be so bad if it didn’t impact someone counting on the success of the final effect. Once someone ask be to build a two feq. dome in their bedroom. I used a tight grain pine, beautiful warm brown. And the miters prefect, edges chamfering. All had to do it put a clear seal, but no I decided to paint it Robin Egg blue. Yes, Complete Idiot, client rejected it. Lost major coin on that project and a second commission.
NORVAL JOE
Billbert held up his hands. “Now I’ve got a ring on each of my hands. No one else at school wears even one. I’ll feel like a complete idiot.”
He started to pull the ring from his finger.
Mandi blurted, “Don’t take it off.”
Billbert’s hand, reaching for the ring, obediently dropped back to his lap.
He had a sinking feeling. He stood up and exclaimed, “Does this ring make me do whatever you tell me?”
She waved her hand at him. “Oh, be quiet. Of course not.”
Unable to speak, Billbert mouthed the words at Mandi, “I can’t talk.”
PLANET Z
Saint Mathurin is the Patron Saint of Idiots.
Not to be mistaken for Saint Simeon Salos, who looks after fools.
He himself was not a fool, he only pretended.
But between idiots and fools, there’s a difference.
Not that you’d notice, being an idiot.
Although Mathurin also looks after clowns, jesters, and plumbers.
I’m not sure how plumbers fits in with them.
They’re pretty smart, charging so much, while you’re the one standing there like a fool, staring at their asscrack as they fix a leak under the sink.
Speaking of which, here’s my bill.
Cash, please.
I’m no fool.
The fear of sundials
Doctors called Jeremy‘s fear of sundials irrational, but he had a perfectly valid reason to fear the diabolical contraptions. His father was found speared through the heart by a sundial in the families front yard. The strange thing was, they didn’t own a sundial. Perhaps that explained how his father wandered into the thing fatally. His fear extended to other yard bound timekeeping devices, such as orreries, Astrolabes, and even more arcane mechanisms. He only had a slight aversion to classic yard decorations, such as ceramic lawn gnomes and plastic pink flamingos. He eventually moved to an urban high-rise.
Ham King
Dan Hammond was the ham king of the Pacific Northwest. For years, trucks would bring pigs to his factory, and out came refrigerated trucks and rail cars full of pork products. One day, he announced a once in a lifetime opportunity for five kids to get an exclusive tour of his factory and a lifetime supply of pork products. But unlike Willy Wonka, nobody was buying up his bacon and ham and pigs knuckles and mass for the golden tickets. So his business went bankrupt and was bought by ConAgra conglomerate. Hundreds lost their jobs to automation and union busting.
The first man
Kaseem counted out the barley for the harvest and prepared a clay tablet in the frame. Poking marks into it with a reed, he noted that there were 17,000 measures of barley in the harvest. he then marked the inventory with the seventh year of the reign of King Marduk. And he signed his own name below it all to mark this inventory as official. He left the tablet out to dry, and the next day he had it sent to the regional Palace for collection, processing, and forwarding on. Marduk would be pleased with this harvest and bless them.
Baldwin
Under a cloak and bandages soiled by his leprosy-torn body, silver mask on his face, King Baldwin lay dying on his bed.
Somehow, he had kept Jerusalem in Christian hands, but who would rally the troops like he had?
His sister’s husband was a insubordinate knight.
Their son was far too young, and his own former regent was far too old and exhausted to rule.
An advisor suggested wrapping someone else in the bandages, cloak, and mask.
“We’d wash them first, obviously,” said the advisor.
The young boy took over, but soon died.
And the foolish knight fell to Saladin.