George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
“Open your eyes, George, said a voice.
George opened his eyes, and he saw a doctor’s office.
“Why are you here?” asked the doctor.
“To make me a better pirate,” said George.
“Well, I’m here to make you better,” said the doctor. “But not a pirate.”
“I’M A PIRATE!” shouted George.
George felt strong hands hold him, and a needle slide in his arm.
His shouting became a whisper.
“I’m a pirate… I’m a pirate…”
He felt calm, like a ship on the water.
And he was a pirate.
George the Facebook pariah
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
All the other pirates didn’t think much of George.
None of them were his Facebook friends.
He’d send friend requests out, but nobody accepted them.
They didn’t let him into the ship’s private group or let him post on the public page.
After a while, George gave up trying.
He became less enthusiastic about being a pirate.
He growled and scowled at his crewmates, sneaking more than his share of treasure.
And he occasionally treated their captives in a cruel manner.
“There’s hope for him yet,” said the captain.
George the cable thief
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was sick of having to watch broadcast television shows, so he stole cable from the harbormaster’s office.
This severely limited the ship’s range, or it ended up yanking out the cable.
So, George stole a satellite television subscription.
Which wasn’t much use, because the boat rolled with the waves, disrupting satellite tracking.
George then stole a Marine VSAT dish, which tracked satellites automatically with computers and GPS.
“We be stealing television!” growled George. “Yarr.”
The captain reminded him about stealing treasure.
“That would be nice too,” said George.
George the pirate ghost
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He liked to cover himself with phosphorescent seaweed and wander around the ship, moaning like a ghost.
“Cut it out, George,” said the captain.
George stopped bothering his crewmates and sulked.
But that night, George roamed the docks and the streets, annoying the locals.
“I am the ghost of George the Pirate!” he yelled. “BOOOOOOOOOO!”
“Who?” asked a prostitute.
“George,” said George. “I’m a pirate ghost.”
“Whatever,” said the prostitute. “Five pieces of eight for this piece of ass.”
It was amazing what she could do with phosphorescent seaweed.
George the poor craftsman
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Just as a poor craftsman blames his tools, so does a poor pirate.
George was always blaming his equipment.
His sword didn’t have good balance, and it never kept its edge.
The trigger on his flintlock pistol kept sticking. Or it would get jammed, and he’d have to clear it.
His boots were too tight, or his hat was too loose.
“Just shut up and stand still, George,” said the captain. “Now everybody say cheese.”
All of the pirates smiled, except for George, and the captain took the photo.
Weekly Challenge #914 – PICK TWO Points, Vision, Fuel, It’s a pattern, Cheers, Refreshment
LIZZIE
Black and white. A vision of nothingness inside a vision of everything.And he points. No one knows.
And he moves forward, alone. The balloons he ‘s holding will be black. The stars hanging from them will be black.
And the more they fly, the less white he will see.
And nothing is there anymore. Just stars hanging from balloons, flying away in silence, ahead of him. No one knows.
And he stops. He wants to smile, but he can’t.
Three cheers and all that. Be brave and all that.
Black and white. A vision of everything ahead of nothing.
RICHARD
Caught!
If she points at you, you’re dead.
Your only hope is to stay out of her field of vision, make no sudden movements, and keep a low profile.
You might, just might escape her notice.
It’s not guaranteed though: She has eyes like a hawk, and few can avoid her gaze.
With these words echoing through my mind, I selected my position with care, keeping to the shadows, careful not to draw attention to myself.
Then, I sneezed.
Cover blown!
To my horror, her finger pointed straight at me.
Chosen by the teacher to answer the question on the board.
NORVAL JOE
“You want out?” Mr. Withybottom asked Billbert and unlocked the doors. “Cheers.”
Sabrina sat on the sidewalk side of the car, and Billbert asked her to open the door.
“I’ll come with you,” she said and got out of the car.
Linoliumanda quickly followed Billbert out, too.
Sabrina rolled her eyes. “It’s a pattern, Billbert. You can see that, can’t you? Everywhere we go, she wants to follow.”
Billbert watched as Linoliumanda’s eyes filled with tears of rage and she shook her finger at Sabrina.
Then his vision went black and the two girls’ voices were muffled as they argued.
TOM
flogging will continue until morale improves
They called the program F-T-V. The joke around the office was it stood for Fuck TV. 30 staff crammed into a tiny room staring at a Zoom screen. In bright primary colors the monitor read: Fuel The Vision. It was Sam’s idea to bring in a motivational team to boast productivity. The life coach was perky in the most detestable manor. Radiating a millennial affect that did not sit well with the senior staff. And I mean senior, most of them were Boomers long overdue to leave the work force. The last virus had taken out the under 40 cohort.
SERENDIPIDY
It’s all down to science. By examining the points where blood has pooled and spattered, one can deduce how the victim died, how violent the attack and where each individual wound was inflicted.
To you, it may look like a complete mess, but to an expert it’s a pattern as clear as any map.
Take this crime scene, for example: I can tell the victim suffered initial, violent blunt-force blows, scattering blood spots across the wall, and the fatal wound was a slice to a major artery.
Not that I’m any sort of forensic scientist.
I committed the crime!
LISA
October 27th 1978
The incident room smells of men. The incident room smells of men with creased shirts. The incident room smells of men with creased shirts and creased faces. It’s been a long monotonous day and is far from finishing.
A squealing wheel heralds the arrival of the tea trolley. The missing girls watch the tea being poured from their photos pinned around a local map. Pippa hastily swallows her digestive.
“Is there a Petrol Station on the B28?”
“Yup. Texaco.”
“It’s a pattern… Look!”
She points around the map explaining her reasoning feeling like, perhaps, today some progress has been made.
PLANET Z
The local grocery store chain offers fuel points.
It doesn’t have any gas pumps at any nearby location.
I have no idea where else I can redeem them.
For thirty years, I’ve been accumulating fuel points.
So, my card has like a million fuel points on it.
One day, I’m going to find a location with gas pumps.
And I’m going to stand out there, filling up everyone for free, and spraying gas everywhere and laughing.
What do I care how much it costs… I have a million fuel points.
Although, I’m going to need to buy a car first.
George the Kidnapper
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His captives would ransom themselves with checks, and then stop payment right after they were freed.
Or they’d give George their credit card number, and then cancel the card the moment they reached a phone.
“I’ll PayPal you,” one said. “What’s your email address?”
Eventually, George put his foot down, and wouldn’t accept anything but cash.
So when his captives would open their wallets and show they only have five or ten bucks, he’d take it and let them go.
“You know they have families, right?” said the captain.
George the Patent Troll
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
What little he knew about piracy, he wrote down and applied for a patent.
Oddly enough, the Patent Office approved his application.
He then sued every pirate in the world and demanded royalties.
A few pirates signed licensing agreements with George, and they could continue to engage in piracy if they helped to hunt down those who didn’t sign agreements.
Eventually, the rogue pirates banded together, hired a big law firm, and got the patent overturned.
Pirates once again sailed the seas.
Except George, because he was blacklisted industry-wide.
George and Ferdinand
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He wasn’t much of a fighter.
Just like that bull, Ferdinand, who’d rather smell flowers than fight.
One day, as George was walking through a meadow, he came across Ferdinand, who was smelling the flowers.
George sat down next to the bull, and they enjoyed the peaceful evening.
Then, George led Ferdinand back to the ship, and the pirate crew slaughtered him and they had a huge feast.
The next day, George went back to the meadow and enjoyed it alone, without a huge stinking animal next to him.
George the Train Robber
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Because he failed on the high seas, he tried his hand on the rails.
That’s right. George became a train robber, but he wasn’t a very good train robber.
His timing was a bit off, and he’d swing from his ship’s mast behind the passing train, ending up falling into the berm.
But then, it was better than falling ahead of the passing train.
Once he got aboard, he’d draw his pistols and…
“Ticket, please,” said the conductor.
George shrugged and got off.
And went back to his ship.