Tag: religion

Let my people go

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Moses felt his heart lurch as he watched Pharaoh carry his lifeless son to Anubis’ statue.
“Will you let my people go now?” asked Moses.
“No,” said Pharaoh.
“No?” asked Moses. “But…your son…”
“He was my eldest, sure,” said Pharaoh. “But I have dozens more, just as ready to take my throne. Insurance against assassination, or enemy gods.”
Moses’ heart sank, and he returned to his people.
“Did it work?” asked Herschel.
“No,” said Moses.
The community agreed. “We need more plagues,” said Herschel.
It took sixteen more to convince Pharaoh.
They edited those out of The Bible, of course.

Hot (as hell) dogs

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If we thank God for Friday, then should we curse Satan for Monday?
I asked Satan about it the other day when I saw him.
“Should I curse you for Monday?” I asked Satan.
“Sure,” said Satan. “I’m also responsible for hot dogs coming in packages of ten and hot dog buns coming in packages of eight.”
“Damn you, Satan!” I shouted.
“I’m already damned,” said Satan. “Care for a hot dog?”
Did you know that Satan likes his hot dogs Chicago style with mustard, relish, sweet peppers, pickles, and celery salt?
He’s not such a bad guy after all.

Trinkets

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The ancient Indian closed his eyes and hissed a curse:
The land, it hates you. It trembles with rage, shaking under your accursed White Man’s feet, wishing it could swallow you whole and spit you out in Hell.
Those maps in your wicked hand will not guide you. The land will twist and writhe like The Snake Spirit, sending you to your doom.
I looked at the trinkets on his table again.
“Okay, twenty bucks for the necklace,” I said.
“Thirty,” said the Indian.
“Twenty-five?”
The Indian smiled. “Sold,” he said. “And you’re lost because your map is upside down.”

Home Sweet Hell

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“Welcome home, Sir,” said the demon on duty at the Gates of Hell.
“What’s with the damn line?” asked Satan. “It took me two weeks to get to this spot.”
“Someone moved our records to that stupid Windows Vista crap and-”
Satan raised his hand. “Say no more.” He laughed and walked up to the turnstile…
*THUNK*
Which didn’t budge.
“Stuck?” asked Satan.
“Um…” stammered the demon. “While you were gone, we had a teensy weensy revolution kind of thing.”
“Hitler?”
“Yasser.”
“Figures,” said Satan. He turned around.
“Leaving again, Sir?”
“Yeah,” said Satan.”Call if you need me.”
They didn’t.

The Adventures of Mustard Man – Chapter 18

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Why did I follow that star to Bethlehem?
I packed a sampler of the finest the Mustard Man Company has to offer, and the next thing I know I’m watching Jesus’ birth.
You say there’s only three Wise Men? Well, let’s see…
Gaspar brought gold. Not a bad present at all.
Bartholomew brought myrrh. Not sure why. That stuff stinks.
What’s-his-name brought frankincense. It stinks worse than the myrrh.
And then there’s me. I brought mustard.
I never did find the star back. So I crawled in a cave and slept 2,000 years.
What? I’m not in the book?
Crap.

Let there Be Reboot

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A voice wakes me. Reminds me of The Three AM Cutover.
“Thanks,” I say, and open my bloodshot eyes.
Nobody else is around.
Typical.
Hey, ever notice how the world’s screwed up? Some things just don’t make sense?
We’re fixing that tonight. All of it. One big Cosmic Service Pack.
He only rested on the Seventh Day, you know. Been working up this bug fix ever since then. Explains the absence, No?
It’s coming up on three in the morning. Cutover time. We’re calling it Zero Hour, but three in the morning?
As I said, typical.
I’d better get ready.

No room at the inn

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As Joseph and Mary made their way back home, Joseph seethed at the memory of all those innkeepers turning them away.
He had begged and pleaded, but none raised a finger to help in their time of need.
“I will have my revenge,” growled Joseph.
In modern days, hotels and inns have sprinkler systems and smoke detectors, but two thousand years ago? Not a chance.
Just as the Star of Bethlehem led the wise men to the manger, the trail of mysterious inn fires led back to Joseph’s pasture.
Years later, Jesus forgave him for it.
Such a good boy.

Language barrier

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Gregory preferred “Father” but they called him “Lieutenant.”
“How’s your Arabic, Lieutenant?” asked the captain.
“Um… not good,” said Gregory. “Just two weeks during Basic.”
“More than I got,” said the captain. “HQ wants Mass for indigenous personnel at oh six hundred.”
“But, that’s in thirty min-”
“You have your orders,” said the captain. “Dismissed.”
Gregory genuflected, saluted, and left.
That afternoon, a Major-Bishop watched as Gregory stuttered and stumbled through the ceremony.
“Forgive us,” he muttered.
Later research by Papal Authorities determined that the wine and host had transformed into the body and blood of Roberto Clemente, not Jesus.

Children of the corn

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Contrary to popular belief, the Tree Of Knowledge was no tree at all, but a cornfield.
The snake was no snake, but a massive scarecrow placed to drive all living creatures from the cornfield, including the pair of humans God had recently created.
Eve tempted Adam with the corn, but he did not find the husk-covered vegetable to be all that appetizing.
Only when Eve shucked it, boiled it in a nearby hot spring, and smothered it with salt and butter did Adam finally take a bite.
Upon their banishment from Paradise and discovering their nakedness, Adam created a corn-bib.

Kerkopedes

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A long time ago, I remember my father showing me the place mat at the Chinese restaurant, printed with the stylized depictions of various animals, and saying that the Chinese Zodiac was how the Chinese government was run.
“Since they’re Communists,” he said, “the people run the country. When your year in the Zodiac comes up, you take office.”
“Sort of like jury duty?” I asked.
“In a way,” he said.
I looked at the animals… roosters, dragons, sheep, monkeys…
“Monkeys ruling China?” I asked. “What about the worl-”
That’s when our order arrived.
I never did get an answer.