George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He didn’t have much of skills or talent.
At the first annual Pirate Talent Show, he arranged flowers.
Well, weeds. He didn’t have any flowers to arrange.
And instead of a vase, he had a helmet.
Pathetic, really.
At the second one, he did bird calls. No birds showed up.
“Why don’t you do something more pirate-like,” said his captain. “You know, swords or cannons or knot-tying.”
So, for the third show, George stuffed swords into a cannon and tied a knot around it.
And arranged flowers around it.
George gets his hair cut
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
You’re not supposed to clip your nails or cut your hair on a ship.
It’s seen as an offering to the goddess Persephone.
But Neptune is a jealous asshole, and hates it when you make offerings to other gods.
So when George opened a manicure stand and barber shop below decks, the captain had George marooned.
George set up a manicure stand and barber shop on the island.
And the crew came ashore to have their nails and hair done.
“Just a little off the top,” said the captain.
George gets on the right foot
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
There’s a superstition about boarding boats with your right foot.
Because the left foot is unlucky.
The captain put a sign at the gangplank that said DO NOT STEP ON BOARD WITH YOUR LEFT FOOT.
George, of course, kept boarding the boat with his left foot.
“Oops,” said George. “Sorry. My bad.”
And bad things kept happening.
The captain handed the cabin boy an axe and peg leg to shake at George when he boarded.
“Either use your right foot, or this will be your left.”
George complied quickly.
George and the wrens
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
So he made up for it with luck charms and superstitious rituals.
They say that if you get a feather from a wren on New Year’s Day and wear it, you’ll be safe from shipwrecks for the whole year.
If one feather was lucky, why not the whole bird?
George stuck seventeen wrens in his hair and beard.
But, being a merciful soul, George couldn’t bring himself to kill the birds.
The constant flapping and pecking was a big distraction, and they eventually caused George to wreck the ship.
George keeps his distance
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
And he didn’t get any better at it with the pandemic.
The CDC told people not to rub their faces and eyes, which is you have a hook for a hand, already makes sense.
But when the CDC ordered people to social distance, he would yell at his swashbuckling opponents to keep six feet away.
“But my sword is only two feet long,” said his opponent.
“I guess we can’t swashbuckle then,” said George. “Parley then?”
His opponent put his sword away while George drew his pistol and fired.
George and the Northwest Passage
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His sextant wasn’t as much a navigation tool as it was a nutcracker.
He’d sweep the shells off of the maps and charts and shout “Oh, let’s go that way!”
One day, the ship was in the North Atlantic. The next day, he was in the North Pacific.
“Did we just discover the Northwest Passage?” asked the captain.
George looked over the maps and charts, turning them over and over in his hands.
“Hell if I know,” he said. “But can we stop somewhere to pick up more walnuts?”
Weekly Challenge #1009 – Advance
- Richard
- Lizzie
- Tom
- Lisa
- Serendipidy
- Norval Joe
- Planet Z
The next topic is PICK TWO
Dictionary
Game
Orchestra
Appreciated
Charge
RICHARD
Lawless
Remember the good old days when the advance of technology was fairly predictable, we had good old Moore’s Law telling us that computing power would double every two years, and that’s pretty much how things worked.
But, not any more.
Now, with AI, large language models and quantum computing, who knows where technology will take us in two weeks, let alone two years!
Let’s face it though, as technology gets smarter, people get correspondingly dumber, and it’s only a matter of time before most of humanity become gibbering imbeciles.
Not me though.
I know how to operate the off switch!
LIZZIE
They paid her a generous advance for her artwork. “It’s not finished yet,” she said meekly. But it had been decided. Well, in that case! She didn’t hesitate to receive the money. “Maldives, here I come,” she thought, feeling the sun on her face and the soft white sand. The painting? That remained unfinished. “Who cares!” Upon returning home, they asked her for the painting. She replied with a vague excuse that she needed some time off “for inspiration”. So, they grabbed her and chopped off one of her fingers. “Each day, a finger.” She held out for four fingers.
TOM
Advance
Timmy was always financially strapped. He really missed weekly paychecks. This monthly pay schedule sucked. The last week of the was filled with peanut butter and cool aid. Often, he would forgo the bus and walk in to work. The hardest was the last Friday of the month. Luckily his boss would cut a check to advance him 20 or 40 bucks. One month both the cats got sick and Mary’s cars needed tires. So, he had to get an advance of the advance. Finally in his late 40’s he poked his head above water started buying bitcoins and maple-leafs.
LISA
Bestseller
I’m the most promising novelist of my generation. Sunday Times words – not mine. I’m a bit short on words at the moment.
The first book, the one you’ve all read, was a breeze. Wrote itself. Rave reviews. Tik Tok went wild. It was the most seen book of the summer. And my advance for the sequel -AMAZING. So, the publishers NEED another for next summer; they’ve already got the merchandise planned.
I’m two chapters in and sat staring at a blank page. My witty protagonist that everyone loves is in bed refusing to catch my eye.
Reader, I hate her.
SERENDIPIDY
I watched them advance, shuffling gait, lifeless eyes, inexorable, unrelenting and terrifying.
The zombie hoard filled the streets, a growing crowd of the undead hunting out new victims to sate their feeding frenzy.
I watched you run and hide, desperately seeking shelter; somewhere safe from the clutches of those in pursuit, but it was hopeless.
You can run, but you can’t hide.
These are modern-day zombies, not your old-style shambling corpses.
They have drones equipped with infra-red, heat-seeking cameras, and whatever your hiding place, they will find you.
And, even modern zombies will eat your brains!
NORVAL JOE
Mandi thought she’d escaped Bobbi after the tardy bell rang but as she left her final class the redhead advanced toward her, pushing kids out of her way.
“Come on,” Bobbi said and waved her toward the school’s exit.
Obediently, Mandi followed. “Where are we going?”
“To my house,” Bobbi said. “If the Black Knights have Billbert and Sabrina, someone is going to get hurt and the Knights are going to use those two to do the hurting.”
Bobbi’s house needed paint and major repairs. Mandi followed her, avoiding trash and broken appliances in the overgrown grass of the yard.
PLANET Z
After my first book sold a million copies, my publisher offered me a deal for four more books.
Of course I signed.
How foolish I was.
The first book was easy.
The second, not so much.
And the third… a nightmare.
Turned in with a week to spare.
The fourth book, they were hounding me.
I’d already spent the advance. And then some.
But I finished it, just barely, at the stroke of midnight.
That fifth book, though.
Why did I sign a deal for four more books?
So, I made it a coloring book.
Outsold the other four combined.
George on horseback
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
For some reason, he’d taken to going everywhere on horseback.
Which was fine when the ship was in port.
Although the owner of The Five Skulls Tavern didn’t take too kindly to the horse crapping all over his floor.
It was when the ship was out to sea that things got difficult.
Horses need a lot of hay and water, and there’s only so much room on a ship.
One morning, George woke up, and the horse was gone.
But, instead of hardtack and gravy, supper was roasted steaks.
George the recluse
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Every time he killed someone, he’d have nightmares about it.
And then he’d hesitate that much more before he killed another person.
Pretty soon, George was a twitching, shivering mess.
Surrounded by ghosts, he’d fall to the deck and clutch his head, moaning and clenching his teeth.
The other pirates yelled at George to get up, but the captain told them to let George be.
“Just try not to trip over him,” he said.
George eventually crawled belowdecks, back to his bunk, where he remained in a semi-catatonic state.
George sucks at pricing
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When he took people hostage, he wasn’t very good at setting a reasonable ransom amount.
“Five dollars!” demanded George. “Not a penny less!”
“That won’t cover our expenses,” whispered the captain. “Try a hundred.”
“One hundred million dollars!” demanded George. “Not a penny more!”
The captain took George aside and gave him a quick lesson in basic math and economics.
“Ah, okay,” said George.
By the time George researched calculated a reasonable ransom, the hostage had escaped.
George apologized, pulled out his wallet. and handed the captain five dollars.