George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He hadn’t planned on becoming a pirate.
He hadn’t planned on eighty thousand dollars in student loans, either.
All for a Bachelor’s degree in Social Justice.
Nobody would hire him.
“What if you paid for me to get my Masters and PhD?” he’d ask the interviewers.
Security escorted him out.
George tried to organize protests against them, but nobody would join.
“Call us when you have a Masters or PhD,” said the ACLU.
That night, George noticed some pirates robbing the company’s warehouse.
George smiled, and he joined them.
George review
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His annual reviews reflected this, and George got “Needs Improvement” while other pirates got “Meets Expectations” or “Exceeds Expectations.”
George didn’t get a raise or bonus, and he envied the other pirates for their fancy new gold teeth and shiny new cutlasses.
Rummy Joe showed off his bright new parrot. “He speaks five languages,” he said.
George sighed and went back to work.
He figured that whoever got killed, he’d just loot their body for the coins, pry out their gold teeth, and exchange his old cutlass for theirs.
George the brand
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
So he quit his job, started a supply company, and he sold high-quality equipment to ship captains.
Pirates would then attack the ships and steal the supplies.
He indirectly became the most popular brand of pirate supplies in the world.
Pirates would proudly wear his George the Pirate gear, and civilian posers would buy it up to look cool, only for the pirates to steal.
He started a chain restaurant franchise, built a theme park.
Proudly shouting “THAR SHE BLOWS!” and cutting the opening day ribbon with his cutlass.
George on the moon
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was always stopping and asking for directions.
This was awkward at best, and dangerous at worst.
Stopping in the middle of a battle for directions led to many unnecessary confrontations.
Trying to make the best of it, the crew would board and capture the enemy vessels.
One time, George got so lost, he wound up on the moon.
Nobody’s sure how he managed that, but the lack of air made it very hard to sail.
And breathe.
“Hard to starboard!” gasped the captain, and the ship turned around.
Weekly Challenge #1001 – PICK TWO The sparrow, Waveform, Limited edition, Ouroboros, Broken glass
- Richard
- Lisa
- Lizzie
- Serendipidy
- Norval Joe
- Planet Z
The next topic is You’re not going
RICHARD
— Glen Talnara —
Sometimes you have to treat yourself, even if it means being extravagant. Everyone deserves to feel special every now and again.
My treat? A forty year old, limited edition single malt.
Lovingly distilled on a remote Scottish island, following a family tradition, centuries old.
It wasn’t cheap. Actually, it was eye- wateringly expensive, but I felt I deserved it.
I was out the day it was delivered.
UPS left a card.
They also tossed the box over my eight -foot fence, where it landed on a pile of rubble.
So, no whisky for me, just a box of broken glass.
LISA
The Start of a Not Normal Day
It felt like the outside was inside and everyone was in a temper. Glass glittered the carpet and Dad was looking for someone to blame. We were shouted at to keep back but the cat didn’t listen and ran through the shards. The glass had gone into my brother’s school shoes.
A speck of blood from the cat’s paw painted red on the carpet. I wanted my breakfast but I didn’t dare say. Dad had something else to shout about as the cat dragged a half alive sparrow from behind the TV.
We were going to be late for school.
LIZZIE
Sparrow, a limited edition of dolls, had everything but sparrows, the symbol of protection and hope. A doll house, doll furniture, doll-everything. It looked dark and gloomy. An adult now, his sister still loved dolls, the pink kind. He hated his sister. When he gifted Sparrow to her, she loved it. Well, that didn’t work, he thought. So, he got another doll, wrapped in a white shawl, a reminder that even when you’re trying to get revenge, there is always a glimmer of hope. OK, great, now he wanted to destroy the damn thing. He smiled. Perhaps that would work!
SERENDIPIDY
Isn’t the birdsong lovely?
Most would agree, but not I.
You see, birdsong is by no means cheerful or joyous. In reality, it is bleak and despairing.
The sparrow sings of pain and anguish, of death and destruction, of such sorrow it would break your heart.
The songthrush sings of shattered dreams, like broken glass shards, harsh and piercing.
The robin, mourns each passing day, cursing life and its misfortunes.
Songs of woe, of loss and melancholy.
But, not the crow.
The crow’s harsh cawing is a joyful, happy sound.
He’s laughing at all the other birds, poor, sad things!
NORVAL JOE
Peering through the broken glass of the small window, Billbert saw that Sabrina was blindfolded and gagged, and wore oversized coveralls with the arms wrapped around and tied in front of her like an ouroboros.
A dot of red light appeared beside Sabrina. A laptop computer sat on a table next to her. Its webcam had just come on. Were her captors in another room watching Sabrina from a distance or was the camera aimed at the window, watching him?
The back porch door burst open and feet pounded down the wooden stairs. Billbert had the answer to his question.
PLANET Z
I don’t know why I collect Pez dispensers, but my closet has dozens of bins of them. They’re all kinds of different designs and colors and characters. If I get one from a series, I have to complete the whole set. I used to have them out on shelves to display. But after we moved, I haven’t taken them out of the bins yet. There’s one that was a limited edition Tiffany glass dispenser, but I think it got broken in the move. So instead, I’ll probably put my Millard Fillmore dispenser on the lit rotating stand on the shelf.
George the porno star
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Which made him the perfect patsy for Long John Silver.
What? You don’t remember George from the book Treasure Island?
Well, that’s because I’m not talking about Robert Louis Stevenson’s book.
I’m talking about Treasure’s Island, a porno flick in the Seventies.
Treasure was a chick with huge tits marooned on an island with a pirate.
“So, why do they call you Long John?” was her first line.
And last one.
After that, they did things that I can’t tell you about here.
Go rent the movie yourself, cheapskate.
George’s models
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He liked to plan raids.
Maybe overplan them.
He’d draw up detailed maps from scouting missions, lay out a model on the table with intricate hills and trees and ships.
“They have working sails and bells!” said George, flicking a tiny bell with his finger.
TING!
He spent so much time planning, thee was never any time to conduct the actual raids.
So, his crewmates would sell his models to museums and rich aristocrats.
“Hey, we’re low on art supplies,” said George. “We’d better plan a raid on Michael’s.”
George’s disappointment
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He wanted to fly a Jolly Roger over the ship, but he wasn’t very good at sewing.
The first flag came out all crooked.
“Looks like the Jolly Rickets,” said the captain. “You know, because of the bones.”
“I get it,” grumbled George, and he tried again.
“More like the Jolly Osteroperosis now,” said the captain. “Maybe we can check eBay?”
George kept trying and failing.
Eventually, he ordered a He-Man cartoon Skeleton iron-on patch.
“Have I mentioned recently how much of a disappointment you are?” said the captain.
George vs Maui
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
While sailing around the Hawaiian Islands, he called “hard to port” when he meant “hard to starboard”, and ended up running into some very hard rocks.
“Welcome to Maui,” said the natives, handing out flower leis to each crewman who crawled out of the wrecked ship.
While the pirates enjoyed the… um… hospitality of the island, George worked on repairing the ship.
It took him three weeks, and the crew begrudgingly set sail again.
And hit the rocks again.
“Hooray!” shouted the crew, crawling back to the happy natives.
George, Coffee, and Tea
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Some people like coffee. Others prefer tea.
So, when his shipmates raided and plundered, George would grab the tea and coffee.
The tea was useful for bribing British Navy vessels to let them go.
The coffee was useful for bribing American Navy vessels.
George couldn’t stand either coffee or tea.
He preferred rum. Lots of it.
So much, he was pretty much wasted off his ass all day.
No wonder why his aim was so bad with the cannons.
And he tended to steer into the rocks so much.