Fred the Mummy

Freddy loved Halloween.
From the Trick or Treating to the costumes and apple-bobbing, he loved it all.
Every year, he dressed as a mummy, and you could almost swear he was a real mummy.
Then, one day, Freddy died.
His will left explicit instructions to authentically mummify him.
Experts were brought in to perform the proper rituals and procedures, even hooking out his brain through his nose and putting his innards in canopic jars.
And sure enough, the next Halloween, Freddy was out there, joining in the Halloween revelry.
Some say we’re cursed by Freddy, but I say we’re blessed.

Shoveling job

Teddy earned a buck every time he shoveled the driveway.
So, he shoveled the driveway five times a day.
Even in the summertime.
“That’s not how it works, Teddy,” said his dad. “If you want to earn more, go shovel other people’s driveways.”
So, Teddy did. And he came back to his dad looking to get paid.
“That’s not how it works, either,” said his dad. “They need to pay you for shoveling their driveways.”
So Teddy attacked his dad with the snow shovel.
Now Teddy shovels the driveway at the reform school.
And they don’t pay him a dime.

Weekly Challenge #703 – SMUTTY

Exhausted from having too much happy

RICHARD

Chatty

Back in the Second World War, in Britain we used to have posters, sternly advising that ‘Careless talk costs lives!’

I’ve no idea whether they were successful in preventing German spies from gaining sensitive information – that’s something I’ve never been able to find out.

A life is a high price to pay for careless talk.

And yet, these days, people keep telling me that ‘talk is cheap’.

And, trust me, I can also tell you from personal experience that is absolutely not true… These premium rate sex lines charge crazy rates.

Smutty talk, it seems, costs a bloody fortune!

TOM

Banned In Boston –

In more genteel times books such as “God’s Little Acre” and “Peyton Place” were lumped under the pejorative heading of “Smutty”. Wild people doing wild things wildly. Not what respectable folk should be reading, well actually they did, and a lot. Still it was more a guilty pleasure that didn’t get spoke about in respectable company. Forward the clock during a UU Sunday service a member gave a glow recommendation for “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.” OK. Then my mom, my mom tell me she just finished “50 Shady of Gray”. I so didn’t want to know that. Smutty

LIZZIE

“So, here is where he writes his smutty books.”
“He writes smutty books, the vicar?!”
“You didn’t know?!”
“No!”
Silence took over the whole room. They crossed their arms in sync and tilted their heads.
“The desk is huge.”
“It is.”
More silence ensued.
“I wonder how long it would take to destroy it?”
“A few minutes?”
They nodded.
“We need to find a creaky window.”
“Boring.”
“So… What then?”
Silence.
“OK, grab his books. We can read them out loud during mass.”
And the two glided on to the next room, sneering. This Halloween promised to be great fun.

SERENDIPIDY

Smutty, Salacious, Kinky, Stinky, Buggery, Thuggery and Cock: The seven alternative dwarves that somehow never made into the story books.

Forced to scratch a living from the seamier side of life, they finally found employment as key players in my crime syndicate, doing my dirty work and – no doubt – enjoying a few carnal pleasures along the way.

And, speaking of carnal pleasures, I have needs too.

Needs that are well attended to by my seven minions, and trust me, their stature isn’t replicated where it matters!

Don’t look so shocked – after all, I’m no Snow White!

NORVAL JOE

Ms. Frunsio’s mouth dropped open. “You boy’s with your smutty thoughts and behavior. And you admit that you took advantage of that innocent girl.”

Billbert blinked and shook his head. “No. I didn’t take advantage of Linoliumanda. I took advantage of the situation. She wanted me to kiss her.”

The principal shook her finger at him. “Don’t try to justify your behavior. You can’t know what she wanted, unless you can read minds.”

Billbert couldn’t help himself. “I did know what she wanted. She kissed me first.”

Frunsio gasped in shock. “How dare you cast aspersions on that poor girl.”

KRISTIN

he secret to happiness?

Suffering. Gotta suffer before you smile.

Me? It started with a cough. Mucus, then blood.

Next day, I barely breathed. Doctors said it grew up my windpipe in threads.

Week later, it swelled into white, hard buds on my neck.

Couldn’t breathe, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. Wanted to die.

Then one morning, I felt threads growing, spinning webs under my skull. A flash. Then, the pain in my head disappeared.

Now? I feel good. Only my smile hurts. The whole world should feel this way.

So come on, nurse. Open up. Let’s spread a little happiness.

PLANET Z

Jim Jackson was the greatest comedian.
He would have made for a great sitcom guy. Or even a talk show host.
But the mouth on him! The shit he’d say!
Sure, Carlin went from his curseword-filled act to Shining Time station, a kids show, but Jim? He was toxic.
Even the streaming services gave him a pass, too. Maybe they’d shoot his act for a special, but a sitcom or a talk show?
No, not Jim. They’d never get him off tof he road
“Fine,” said Jim. “If I can’t have the pussy come to me, I’ll go to it.”

Scared straight

The school district has a horrible dropout rate.
And the county’s crime rate is awful.
We tried one of those Scared Straight programs.
That’s where you send the bad kids to visit a prison to scare them into obeying the law.
That didn’t work. It only made them worse.
So, we sent them to Hell.
We medically stopped their hearts, let them stay dead for a bit, and then revived them.
The ones who didn’t come back, we assume gladly stayed in Hell.
The ones who came back gave up their wicked ways.
For fear we’d send them back. Permanently.

Happy Mother’s Day

The creature in the basement gathered up the remains of it’s food, piles of its shed fur, and various other materials strewn about its prison.
From these, it constructed a gory contraption, an intricate flimsy horror.
Trudging up the stairs, placing the thing at the top of the stairs, and crawling back down to its pit.
Feeding time came around, and the door to the basement opened.
A hand poked the contraption.
“Happy mother’s day,” moaned the creature.
The hand shoved the thing away, shattering it on the stairs.
Another dog carcass was tossed in, and the door slammed shut.

That moment

Her birthday was on the ninth.
Mine was on the tenth.
Waiting all day for that moment to come together.
We’d go out to the woods. in the moonlight, and share a kiss at midnight.
A gift to each other: “Happy birthday to us.”
Making it want to last forever.
But nothing lasts forever.
It passes so quickly, and then it is gone.
And, with her hand in mine, we’d walk home.
Tonight, I will walk out to the woods.
And stand where we used to stand.
Waiting for that special moment.
And it will pass in silence and tears.

See the future

See the future?
I can. I can see the future.
I can see your future.
Want to know it?
Good. Because I don’t think you want to know it.
Oh, now you want to know it?
Well, maybe I don’t want you to know it.
Maybe I’ll lie and tell you someone else’s future.
Maybe mine.
My future, you really don’t want to know.
But then, it’s kind of also yours.
After all, I’m holding the knife, and you’re on the other end of it, right?
Better hurry up and decide.
Or, maybe not.
You’ll find out about it anyway.

The Special Kids

There are two doors at the school.
One is for the smart kids.
And one is for the rest of the kids.
Don’t call them the dumb kids, they don’t like to be called that.
And the parents don’t like that either.
Let’s call them special. The kids are special.
Even though they aren’t special.
The real special kids don’t need a door.
They can do special things.
Like walk through walls.
Or just appear in their classroom.
With a flash of light and a cracking sound.
Nobody will notice them if we make everyone argue over the two doors.

Follow your dreams

They say to follow your dreams.
So, I followed your dreams.
They lured me into a meadow with butterflies and faerie lights.
“Join us,” your dreams said, and we danced under the moonlight.
That’s when your nightmares came out of the trees and attacked.
Your dreams scattered and left me behind for the nightmares.
Oh, the things they did to me… the horrible things.
But you know what they did.
Because you saw them in your dreams.
And in your nightmares.
So, take this sleeping pill.
Because it’s your turn.
Follow my dreams.
And then, my nightmares will enjoy you.

Weekly Challenge #702 – PICK TWO avoid, intertwine, den, get, fudged, meltdown, tan

Flump Friday

TURA

Void; intertwine
———
Planet Nine turned out to be a black hole. Too far away for a robot probe, so we sent a manned mission. I was the man, in cold sleep most of the way out to the Void.

As I finally approached, the Void looked into me, tendrils of thought intertwining with mine. Suddenly, I was sucked out of my body, while the entity exultantly vanished.

I see my dead body on the ship. I see the entire Solar System, down to the smallest sparrow in the skies of Earth. I seem to have replaced God. Until the next expedition arrives.

TOM

The Weather Out Side Is Frightful

Second Sub Commander Zod sprinted down Deck 42. The inner hull temp was climbing dangerously high. Time was running out. Three Miltrons from the escape hatch was a large transparent aluminum frame. Within read the following in Siduble, “To Avoid Meltdown brake glass.” Lacking any object of sufficient mass to brake said glass Zod pulled off his center combat boot and gave the glass his all. Shards tumble inward as the void outside pulled everything not nailed down into deep space. This include Second Sub Commander Zod. While space is cold mistress a meltdown is far worst for a Space Snowman.

SERENDIPIDY

Avoid the widow’s den,

For she will lure you in;

And once she has you there

Her scheming will begin.

She’ll turn your thoughts to lust,

And then she bends your will;

And having gained your trust.

She moves in, for the kill.

As blissfully unaware

You fall into her arms;

Enraptured by her stare,

Succumbing to her charms.

She stabs you in the back

Then poison floods your veins

She’ll suck the life from you

Till nothing more remains

So, beware the widow’s den

And never stray within

For the spider lies in wait

For the mating to begin

RICHARD

Intertwined

Part 1

When the reactor went into meltdown, all hell broke loose. Not just in the way you might think – all that was to be expected, and very much in the public eye.

But, behind the scenes, there was a massive cover up being orchestrated. Reports were fudged, witnesses paid to keep silent, and evidence shredded. We knew it was wrong and that the public deserved the truth, but the personal cost to us was just too great.

So, the great lie somehow became, the great truth.

The cleanup began. Things were put right. And nobody suffered.

Well, none of us.

Part 2

So, the gang hatched this crazy plan to build a new den, and the crazy part was that we was gonna build it down in the woods, inside the Exclusion Zone!

I didn’t wanna do it, but Jake was callin’ me chicken, and I wasn’t gonna stand for that! So’s, that’s how we ended up that Saturday, where we’d no rights to be…

Jake was first to get sick… Started pukin’ all over the place. Then, next few days, Tom, Sid and Blue all went down with it bad.

Jake died.

I was lucky, just got an all over tan.

Part 3

Those lads were poking around again, seems that some people just can’t avoid the place; doesn’t matter how many signs you put up, how many times you tell them to get the hell out of here, get lost and get back home, they still come back for more.

Mind you, I can’t see the harm in it. I mean, look at me, been guarding the place for a year now, and fit as a fiddle.

Well, sort of. I grant you, my hair’s been falling out of late, and there’s the bleeding gums, and the rash.

But, nothing much, really.

NORVAL JOE

Being one who always wanted to avoid a confrontatoin, Billbert searched for a way to get out of this interrogation with the principal. He’d always heard that if you want adults to leave you alone, just act dumb. He cracked a stupid smile. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Ms. Frunsio’s face went red, clearly headed for a nuclear meltdown. Through gritted teeth she snarled, “Then why did you look so guilty?”

Not wanting to intertwine Linoliumanda in the inquisition, he told a white lie. “When the lights went down, I took advantage of he situation and kissed Linoliumanda.”

LIZZIE

The page of her diary stared back at her, empty, looking for comfort. The meltdown drained her energy and got a hold of her willingness to fight back. The diary would always bring her some comfort. Not today. The past would never change and she was too tired to change the present so her future could make more sense. Smile, she thought. And what she saw was a distorted and pathetic face. Don’t smile. It’s better. Just keep calm. She took a deep breath and sat back. The page of her diary stared back at her, empty, looking for comfort.

PLANET Z