Con Man

Call it what you will:
Three-Card Monte
The Shell Game
Cups And Balls
It’s a magic trick, slight-of-hand, and a con game.
Make people think they have the advantage when they don’t.
Open a fake telegraph office, and take people’s money to tap a telegraph key that wasn’t connected to anything.
Open a fake Army induction office, and while the doctor checked out the men, the nurse stole their wallets.
So, you challenge him to a duel, and he lets you choose a pistol from his set.
And he hands you a bullet.
That turns out to be a blank.

Weekly Challenge #686 – LOSING

Derp

NORVAL JOE

The class bell rang and Billbert’s biology teacher hadn’t yet come into the classroom.

As he was admiring the chestnut brown hair of the girl ahead of him in the row, she turned around and smiled. Her equally dark brown eyes seemed to amplify the brilliant whiteness of her teeth. “Hi. I’m Marrissa. I was just telling my friend, Willhemina, that I think you’re really cute.”

Was he asleep and dreaming or just losing his mind?

Marrissa seemed to drop away.

As Billbert’s thighs pressed to the underside of the desk, he realized he was floating out of his seat.

SERENDIPIDY

Those who think they know me and my ways think it’s a little strange that, amongst my extensive armoury and instruments of torture, I also keep a well-stocked medical kit.

Even more surprising is the selection of painkilling drugs and life sustaining aids that I’m happy to freely administer – when necessary – to the unfortunate victims of my painful ministrations.

But there is a logical explanation for this seeming anachronism.

Because I don’t want my victims losing their will to live…

So, I pep them back up, give them false hope, and start all over again from scratch.

RICHARD

Bittersweet Me

It always struck me as just a little ironic that Michael Stipe was singing all about ‘Shiny Happy People’ one moment, and the next he was ‘Losing My Religion’.

I’ve known churches like that – full of happy clappy, hug you without warning, share the blessing, full gospel types of people.

All very lovely inside the church, but meet them outside and it’s a different picture altogether.

Then they’ll happily judge you for your ungodly ways, condemn you for your sinful life and won’t tolerate a different point of view or alternative lifestyle.

Hypocrites.

Everybody hurts, you know?

Even me.

LIZZIE

Strings left, strings right. They pulled the strings left and they pulled the strings right. The doll swayed on the small stage, left and right. Her face was emotionless. The brush she held swayed with her. Her face was emotionless… And the more they pulled on the strings, the more she swayed. And the more that brush swayed, the more she painted an invisible feeling in the air. It swayed angrily. The doll’s fingers cramped around it tightly. Her body shook and jumped in all directions. And that brush painted a face of sheer anger. Metal dolls have feelings too.

PLANET Z

They say there’s a right way to lose weight and a wrong way to lose weight.
The right way is a sensible, sustainable diet and a reasonable exercise routine.
The wrong way is a starvation diet and a painful exercise regimen.
You’ll just give up and the pounds will come back on.
Same with dangerous surgeries and remedies.
The extremely wrong way is to launch yourself into orbit.
Sure, you’ve lost weight. But it’ll all come back when you return to Earth.
Unless you burn up during re-entry.
That’s also an extremely wrong way to burn calories, so to speak.

BDSM

Down in the dungeon.
That’s where Caroline goes every Friday.
Her hands, bound to the tile walls.
Her ankles, shackled to the floor.
A ballgag in her mouth.
Hot candle wax on her skin.
And a rubber plug in her ass.
No tears. No whimpers.
Sometimes, they whip her.
Other times, they spray her with the fire hose.
Then there’s the times they make microwave popcorn where she can hear it and smell it and can’t do anything about it.
And then they whip her some more.
When it’s all over, they give her the bill.
That’s when she screams.

Down in the dungeon.
That’s where Caroline goes every Friday to play.
Binding the customer’s hands to the tile on the walls.
Shackling her ankles to the floor.
Popping a ballgag into her mouth.
Dripping a candle on to her skin.
Stuffing a rubber plug in her ass.
She listens… no crying, no whimpering.
So, she whips the girl.
Sprays her with the fire hose.
Nothing.
She takes a break, and makes microwave popcorn. Lets the girl smell it, and gives her nothing.
Finally, she tallies up the evening’s bill, and shows it to the girl.
That’s when she screams.

Special Order

Back in the day, if you tried to order something special at McDonalds, the whole place grinds to a halt.
No onions? No pickles?
No way.
But that wasn’t my special order.
I’d try to order a shake with chocolate on the bottom, vanilla in the middle, and strawberry on top.
The flavor depended on how deep you poked the straw.
The pimply-faced teenagers running the place would look at me like I was crazy when I insisted on a triple-flavor shake, but I knew that when the dinner rush was over, everyone mixed them up and tried it themselves.

Lama’s Revenge

The Dalai Lama went to the United Nations, and he made a plea for his homeland.
He was treated well, but China never let up its stranglehold, and nobody did anything to stop them.
So, he sent Buddhist monks to make sand mandalas in cities around the world.
A few aficionados enjoyed the process, but most people saw them on the evening news or the web, and then forgot about it.
The monks swept away their mandalas, and spread the hidden neurotoxins into the air.
“Choke on it, world,” mumbled the Dalai Lama, putting on a gas mask and laughing.

Riot girl

At the protest, Cindy threw a rock at a cop.
It bounced off of his riot shield and came back at Cindy.
It struck her in the forehead, knocking her out cold.
Cindy woke up in an ambulance, handcuffed to the stretcher.
“It’s going to be a while,” said the paramedic standing over her. “Your friends have all of the roads blocked.”
That’s when the ambulance started to rock back and forth.
“Shit!” said the driver. “Get out!”
He bolted from his door, while the paramedic escaped from the back.
Cindy screamed as the stretcher tipped over, breaking her neck.

Cracked Statue

Word came to Prague that Emperor Rudolf was about to order a massacre.
So Rabbi Loew dredged clay from the river and constructed a golem.
Placing the shem in its mouth, “Protect us, Yosef,” ordered the holy man.
And the monster did, smiting and repelling hundreds of soldiers.
Word came to Prague that Emperor Rudolf had made a wife for the golem.
Even if it was just a beautiful statue, that didn’t matter to the monster.
It went mad with desire, smiting hundreds more.
Rabbi Loew somehow managed to remove the shem.
And he waited for the soldiers to come.

Electoral College

In the 2000 election, Bush won the presidency, despite losing the popular vote.
Protestors demonstrated, rioted, and whined that he was “Selected Not Elected.”
They threatened and begged the Electoral College to change the results.
Academics and journalists kept up that slogan for years.
Then, in 2016, Trump won the presidency, despite losing the popular vote.
More protests, more riots, and more whining.
More threats and begging, too.
If the country wants to change to a direct popular vote, let it ratify a Constitutional Amendment to abolish the Electoral College.
Or will we suffer another sixteen years of your bullshit?

Weekly Challenge #685 – SURROUNDED

Sleepy

NORVAL JOE

Sitting in his sixth period biology class, surrounded by strangers, Billbert felt the depths of exactly how alone he was.

New to the school, new to the town, and new to the idea of having a superpower, how could he feel anything but isolation? From his desk at the side of the classroom, he looked at the students around him. He couldn’t identify a single person by name.

And the kids he had gotten to know? Roderick, Wanda, and Linoliumanda; who among them could he trust?
Well, Linoliumanda. Maybe he could trust her. But her parents were completely wacked out.

SERENDIPIDY

There comes a time when you become acutely aware that you’re facing impossible odds. The moment realisation dawns that there’s nothing you can do and that anything you try is doomed to failure.

Like now.

Surrounded, on all sides, by the zombie horde, closing in with their moaning, shuffling, inexorable dance, in which I will be an unwilling partner.

Did I say ‘impossible’ odds?

Well, maybe not quite, as my baseball bat connected, with a satisfying thud, with the nearest zombie’s head.

I scooped out a handful of brain and tasted it.

Well, if you can’t beat ’em… Join’ em!

TOM

Not Like the Movies

“Your surrounded Billy,” echoed the bullhorn. “You ain’t taken me alive coppers.” Return Billy also with a hail of bullets. From high top a gigantic, globe-shaped gas storage tank Billy took his last stand. He was tempted to yell out,” Made it Ma, top of the world”, but he never much care for his mother. So instead he yelled, “Fuck You.” Caught a bullet in the neck and fell 200 feet to the ground. The police dropped a tarp to surround the body parts. In the end a less then cinematic ending. That’s the trouble with real life. Pretty prosaic.

LIZZIE

He looked up and smiled. He was surrounded by trees. As always, he had returned to his comfort place, the forest, the dark gloomy forest, the threatening little grim pathless forest. When he looked up, he didn’t see the dark. He saw beautiful trees in gorgeous tones of yellows, oranges and reds, and browns with a pinch of green here and there. He especially loved his spot, right in the middle of all those wonderful trees. He didn’t know if it was the middle, but he liked to think it was. He looked up again and smiled a dark smile.

RICHARD

All words, no substance

I’m surrounded by idiots, incompetents and fools!
My advisers spout nonsense and plot to bring me down, the press tells lies, distorts the truth and makes up fake stories to undermine me; and I’m constantly criticised for having good old fashioned values like misogyny and arrogance.

Surrounded, by nasty people, with nasty agendas, and nasty accusations.

Well, I’m in charge, and if you don’t like it, I have plenty of friends with rifles to persuade you to see my point of view!

I’ve said enough – 100 words is too much.

When a 280 character tweet is more than enough!

PLANET Z

Billy had been fitted with a tracking device, so they always knew where he was.
“Stay where you’re supposed to stay,” said the technician. “Otherwise, you’ll die.”
So, Billy stayed in his room.
Food, books, and basic essentials were brought to him.
Back in the day, they executed people for what he’d done.
But these days, not any more.
Which angered a few people.
They broke into Billy’s room and dragged him out.
The tracking device released the poison.
Billy died painfully.
Those people who dragged him out, were fitted with their own tracking devices.
And sent to their rooms.

Elephants’ End

After the elephants went extinct, people started seeing the ghosts of elephants everywhere.
In the empty enclosures at the zoo…
In the middle of traffic…
In elevators…
In restaurants…
They weren’t mass delusions, because everybody saw them.
When an elephant ghost appeared on television, everybody saw it.
The elephants just stood there, minding their own business.
They’d fan their ears, dip their trunks, turn their heads to one side or the other.
And then slowly vanish again.
Scientists have frozen elephant sperm, eggs, and embryos.
But they’re not sure how to gestate them into elephants.
Until then, the ghosts appear.