My grandfather used to take us miniature golfing.
The course was near the Adler Planetarium. It was a decent enough place to play when we first went there, but each time we went, something else was broken, or a water basin drained, or they didn’t bother sweeping up the fallen leaves.
The last time we went, it was all in ruins. The paint on the rails was peeling. The turf carpet was worn. And the obstacles were all a wreck.
The railroad gate had to be held up to let the ball roll under it.
We never went back again.
Operation
Ever play the game Operation?
I love to play that game.
Take out the pieces.
Win money.
Don’t touch the sides.
Ever since I was a child.
But I am old now.
My hands tremble and shake.
And no matter what I do.
The buzzer buzzes.
The grandkids want to play.
I get out the pieces.
Load up the board.
And we play.
It is the best we have ever played.
Nobody gets buzzed.
Nobody loses.
Everybody wins.
When we’re finished
I put everything back in the box
Including the batteries for the board
That I’d put in my pocket
Funny Turnover
Things are a bit shaky where I work.
There’s been a lot of turnover recently.
When employees quit or get fired, management sends out a memo to the staff to let them know.
That way, you know who to go to for something.
But they never say why the person is leaving.
Some say it was sexual harassment
Other say it as a personality conflict with bosses.
Instead of participating in water-cooler gossip, I just assume that they were eaten by clowns.
So, when they hired a clown for my surprise birthday party, I stabbed him with the cake knife.
Festival
Every year, we go to the lavender festival.
You’d think there’s only so many things you can do with lavender, like grow it in a pot or dry it for a scented pillow, you’re wrong.
We cook with it.
We clean with it.
And we even bathe with it.
But most importantly, it keeps away the alien invaders.
No, not the retirees from California.
Real aliens. From outer space.
And they’re deathly allergic to lavender.
We offer pamphlets about them, but don’t beat anyone over the head with it.
Except for the aliens’ human agents, I suppose.
Are you one?
Dishwasher Safe
Tina was one of those “special” kids.
Looked totally normal from the outside. No limp or big forehead, or tubes sticking out of her. Okay, maybe going everywhere with her Betsy Wetsy was a bit off.
She was just kinda slow.
Her parents tried hard to “mainstream” her with routines and chores: clean her room, vacuum the floors, do the dishes. That kind of thing.
When her dolly got messy from being dragged in the mud, she could run her through the dishwasher herself.
As for the kids she was supposed to be babysitting, that’s for a jury to decide.
Weekly Challenge #520 – Debate
Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.
This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
We’ve got stories by:
Munsi
On Slacktivism
By Christopher Munroe
A public service announcement: Nobody’s mind has ever been changed about any issue based on a political meme they saw on Facebook.
Everyone, on some level, understands this, yet we keep posting and reposting the damn things as though they helped illustrate any sort of point.
Actual news articles are okay.
And people who I DO agree with politically? This is directed at you too.
You think you’re making a difference, with your cartoons and re-captioned screen-grabs. You think you’re contributing to the debate.
I understand that, it’s just that you’re not.
You’re not contributing to anything.
You’re just Mass-debating.
Jeffrey
Math is Hard
by Jeffrey Fischer
Demographic change is a harsh mistress. She can be a bitch. Liberals will tell you the West has nothing to fear from a Muslim minority. Just a few generations will change the nature of the debate. In a native population that isn’t growing and an immigrant population that doubles in size every generation, a 20% minority today becomes half the population in two generations and two-thirds in only three. I’ll venture a guess that at that point gay and transgender rights won’t be at the top of the agenda.
Liberals insist that a two-degree temperature change a century from now is our greatest threat, but are blind to closer catastrophes. This what happens when one dozes through math class.
The Debate
by Jeffrey Fischer
Hillary Clinton squared off against Donald Trump in their only televised debate. The moderator implored the candidates to stay on topic and avoid personal attacks. First question: what are your strengths?
Hillary: “First, I want to thank the American people for tuning in tonight. Seeing a debate with a woman candidate is so important. Second, as a woman Secretary of State, I was a role model to women everywhere. Did I mention my gender? In conclusion, women: vote with your uterus!”
Trump responded, “Strengths? Oh, I have strengths. More strength than you can imagine. And I’ll use those strengths to make America great again! I have plans to use my strengths, and I’ll lay out those plans shortly. I tell you, it’ll be YUGE!”
Hillary interjected, “See, I’m a woman! Female! Vote me!”
The network cancelled the rest of the debate, showing a “Judge Judy” rerun instead.
Richard
Not alone
Boggins was roused from a fitful sleep by the uncomfortable and chilling realisation that he was no longer alone.
He sensed a presence in the darkness of the cave with him and called out nervously:
“Is there somebody else in here?”
A sibilant whisper came from the murky depths in response.
“I think the question is rather, why is you here? And, what has it got in its pockets?”
Now terrified, the hobbit babbled, “Let’s not get into a debate about it… How about I just slope off and leave you in peace?”
“I think not!”, came the chilling reply.
Serendipity
People will always debate the ethics of the death penalty.
Is it morally right to take a life to appease the taking of another?
Personally, I have no views either way – I simply do my job. Others can debate whether it’s right or wrong.
Thankfully, it’s a pretty one-sided argument as far as I’m concerned, because once they strap you into that chair and attach the electrodes, you know that it’s an argument I’m going to win.
The switch is thrown.
I course around your body, burning and sparking through your mortal flesh.
You die.
No debate.
Tom
Sound Reasoning
August Wagner was state debating champ four years running. I spend endless hour helping him build his card file. I was no debater, to this day I couldn’t win an argument to save my life, but August had the ability to slowly set the seeds of doubt in the most ironclad defense. The most frequent reply from his opponents was: we never saw it come. After college we drifted apart. I googled him last year. Seems he became a member of a select group of lawyers who brought case before the Supreme Court. There’s no debating the man had game.
Tura
Debate
———
As my candidate’s champion, I armed myself for the debate. Vambrace, rerebrace, pauldron. Pixane, cervelliere. Iron-framed goggles. Finally, my debating sabre.
The judges decide victory not by first blood, nor a scoring of hits, but by the duellists’ strength of character. Each must stand his ground, heedless of injury. To once lift a foot from the floor may lose the match. Even a too-quick parry is frowned on, and victory never goes to a “klugfechter”, one who evades every strike.
Of course the performance has nothing to do with who would be the best President, but what debate ever did?
Lizzie
The two sides presented their arguments in a very civilized manner. There were no interruptions. The audience clapped in unison after each speaker. The moderator smiled content with how everything was going. During the break, a man sitting at the back stood up and started yelling something about kiss and everyone thought he meant the band. He was rapidly removed by security much to the perplexity of those sitting on the right side of the isle. Those on the left side snickered. At the end, viewers voted. The numbers were clear. The vampires won and it was a bloody mess.
Norval Joe
“Mickey. What are you looking at?” Mandy called from the register.
Stepping back from the front window Mickey struggled with an internal debate. Should he make up a reason to run after Polecat and see what she’s doing in the library, or stay at work and hope she’s still there after his four hour shift?
He’d probably lose his job if he ran out now.
“What was so interesting out the window?” Mandy asked when he finally came back.
Another internal debate.
“Oh. Just a girl I know,” he said.
“A pretty girl?” Mandy teased.
“Pretty Smelly,” Monkey Boy said.
Zackmann
Sorry honey, I can’t do any chores right now because I will be watching a live debate. Not a Presidential debate, a Nutty Debate involving things that are cool mixed with nerd rage. I’m hoping the debate topic is ‘What’s Best Superhero Musical’ I am rooting for Filker Tom Smith’s The Last Hero On Earth, Team Starkid’s Holy Musical B@man, and Pete Townsend’s Iron Giant which I believe inspired the Iron Giant cartoon movie. I suppose I should check Nimlas dot org to see what tonight’s debate is and which steaming website it’s on before I get too excited.
Planet Z
After television networks tired of the name-calling and lies in political campaigns, they tasked IBM with creating virtual candidates based on the speeches and policies of historical figures.
These profiles were enhanced with mountains of data that honestly reflected their actual job performance, which eliminates the usual pandering and empty promises of most candidates.
The public loved them. In fact, they protested against the real candidates, and demanded the virtual ones.
Enough states voted to amend the Constitution to eventually eliminate human lawmakers, political executives, and judiciary.
Other countries joined the movement, as President Watson expanded the digital empire’s reach.
Background music by Bensound.
Fire Bill
Moments before Lily Mason burst into flames, she set her husband on fire.
Then her kitchen. And after that, her house. And her neighbor’s house.
There wasn’t much room between houses, so the fire jumped from house to house quickly.
The whole neighborhood was a raging inferno by the time the fire department arrived.
There was nothing they could do but watch and keep people back.
The fire burned for hours, until the whole neighborhood was nothing but embers and ashes.
“Should have paid her fire bill,” said the crew chief. “Too bad.”
They rolled up their hoses and left.
Slippery When Lard
Usually, The Girl Scouts sell cookies to fund their troops and overhead costs.
But the boxes of cookies don’t offer much of a profit margin, and sometimes people flake out on their orders.
Meagan, who has an Entrepreneurship badge, suggested that her troop sell something with much greater profit potential.
So, they did the market research and came up with a plan to sell titanium hip replacements to the residents of the nearby nursing home.
“Installation not included,” she said with a wink.
The troop giggled with her, and they went back to wiping the floors down with slippery Crisco.
Air Force None
No, it’s not true that any aircraft that The President is on receives the designation of Air Force One. It’s the designation of any Air Force airplane.
For instance, the helicopter that ferries him from The White House to Andrews Air Force Base is Marine One.
And the hot air balloon that Professor Moriarty uses to take The President off to his hot tub and Texas Hold ’em weekends is just a hot air balloon.
The President’s a lousy gambler, and he usually ends up handing over a lot of money.
But he can never hand over Air Force One.
After Brown
After Encyclopedia Brown went off to college, the next kid to become the town know-it-all was Glossary Jones.
This kid knew a whole bunch of obscure terms and jargon, but he kept them to himself until the other kids would solve the mystery.
Then there was Footnote Martin. Every now and then, he’d make a comment about something, or provide some obscure reference that nobody had time to look up.
Finally, there was Almanac Lewis. He was always blithering useless trivia and weather tables.
“Just call the goddamned police,” people say now. “They’re incompetent, but at least they’re not annoying.”