My cat likes to sleep in my pants.
I try to be mindful, so when I take off my pants, I put then on the floor with the waist open and up, like a bowl or nest.
She never climbs into my pants while I watch. Only when I leave the room to make tea. Or go to the bathroom. Or fetch the mail.
When I return, she is curled up, nose in tail, asleep.
Such a cute little critter she is.
As opposed to the vicious, angry beast she becomes when I need to put my pants on again.
Tag: silly
Radish Flower
Jacob’s on Grant is my favorite restaurant.
What’s good there?
Well, it’s not on the menu. And it’s not on the off-menu menu, either.
But everybody ends up getting it.
It’s the radish that the chef cuts up like a flower and puts on every plate as garnish.
Seriously. I shit you not.
That radish is soaked in something special, because it tastes absolutely amazing.
Unlike anything I’ve ever tasted.
Whenever I go to Jacob’s and I see someone leaving a radish-flower on their plate, I ask them if I can have it.
Oh, and the salmon is okay, too.
The coffee tasted awful
My first CD-ROM drive came with a dictionary.
It included audio pronunciations of all the words.
I picked out a few hundred that sounded impressive, like emesis and mendicant.
Simple .WAV files. Easily copied to my hard drive.
Then, I put them in a WinAMP playlist, and they played one per minute.
The deep tones of the announcer filled my empty living room.
I added a virtual wind chime to clank and ting softly in the background.
One of my friends ran a coffee house. He had me plug my computer into his sound system.
The coffee still tasted awful.
Half to death
If you scare someone half to death twice, are they completely scared to death?
Of course not. Because if you scare someone half to death a second time, they’ll be three-quarters to death.
This brings up Xeno’s best-known paradox, which describes motion as a never-ending series of “You go halfway to your destination.” In the end, you never actually reach your destination.
Then he’d dance around and shout “IN YOUR FACE!” in Greek.
Because he was acting like a dick, Xeno was beaten to death by his fellow philosophers.
Not half to death. To death.
Don’t act like a dick.
I was born in pizza…
These days, passwords can be hacked easily. If you use the same password everywhere, a thief can roll up all your accounts.
Thieves will also try to social-engineer the security questions. It’s not hard to look up your mother’s maiden name or the city you were born in.
A security expert says that you’re supposed to choose counter-intuitive answers to these questions, such as “Pizza” for your mother’s maiden name, or for where you were born.
Which means that the Indian at the call center will scratch their head in confusion as they sell your information to a Russian hacker.
Dance There
She said she wanted me to take her dancing, so we put on our dancing shoes and we danced all the way to the dance hall.
By the time we got to the dance hall, we were exhausted and sweaty.
“Want to dance all the way home?” I asked her, panting heavily.
“No,” she said, fanning herself with a dance card. “Call a cab.”
So, I called a cab, and we went back home.
“That’s a wrap,” I told the jazz quartet that follows us everywhere.
“Good gig,” they said. They put their instruments away and went out for coffee.
Basement sleeper
If I fall asleep, I will fall asleep.
And I will stay asleep until the alarm wakes me.
I don’t wake up with the sun because I put my bed in the basement. And I have a backwards schedule. I work at night, and sleep during the day.
It’s cooler down in the basement. Darker.
And when I wake up, I can run my undies through the clothes dryer so they’re nice and warm.
I have to take them off again when I go upstairs and have shower and a coffee.
And again and again at work.
But stripping’s fun.
Riding
I know a guy named Yankee Doodle, but instead of riding into town on a pony, he liked to put on a gag costume that made him look like he was riding on the back of an old Russian woman.
At least I thought it was a costume. Only when I got a closer look did I realize that it was a real old Russian woman that he was riding.
“Seriously?” I asked him.
He nodded.
I sighed. “No more driving drunk?”
He nodded again.
“Okay,” I said. “You can have your license and keys back.”
“Spaseba.” said the woman.
Harpoons
The airlines have loosened their restrictions on what you can carry onboard, but you still need to check weapons
Yes, this includes harpoons.
Not that you can do much with a harpoon. You’ll need a clear aisle for a good harpooning, but killer whales usually strike during feeding sessions. Which is when flight attendants are out with the beverage cart, blocking your throw.
Sitting next to a rampaging killer whale? You’re probably getting crushed against the window.
God forbid you’re trapped in the middle seat between two of them. Whatever happened to the airlines making oversized passengers buy two tickets?
Germophobe
Every flight’s got some kooky, obsessive germophobe who wipes their seat down with antiseptic spray, and then lays a towel on the seat before they sit down.
They usually wear masks and gloves, and they like to bring their own beverages and snacks.
Man, they bother me.
I like to fake a sneeze or a cough in their direction, just to get them all freaked out.
However, one time, a sneeze got out of control, and I ended up vomiting on the guy.
The airline suspended me for two weeks. Pilots are supposed to say hello, not barf on passengers.