George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When the ship’s captain was away on vacation, he hired a temp to run things.
“The captain warned me about you, George,” said the temp captain. “I’ll keep my eye in you.”
So, after their first raid…
“Sorry about that stray shot,” said George. “But that’s a nice eyepatch you’ve got there.”
By the time George’s captain returned, the temp captain was sporting a new eyepatch, a pegleg, and a hook hand.
“Well that ended badly,” said the captain. “I am not looking forward to his review on Glassdoor.”
George tied in knots
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He wasn’t good at love, either.
Oh, he wasn’t bad-looking. And he was always courteous and polite with the ladies.
It was just that deeper connection he never made.
She’d want him to read poetry or go dancing, and he’d try to teach her how to tie knots or tell the weather from the sea air.
One time, he did find a girl who wanted to learn how to tie knots.
But she tied him to a bed and took his money.
And a note: “I love you anyway.”
George counts steps
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was always pacing the deck, back and forth.
“Why are you walking all the time?” the captain asked.
“I bought a step-counting smartwatch,” said George. “I have to get five thousand steps in each day to stay fit.”
The captain smirked. “You could always do that by raping, looting, and pillaging.”
“This is way easier,” said George. “And a lot less messy.”
George walked away, but the captain tripped him up.
George fell and broke his nose, bleeding all over the deck.
“What a mess,” said the captain.
George brings the beach
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He preferred the feel of sand between his toes to the wet wooden deck of the ship.
So, when the ship docked at port, he hauled sand from the beach to the ship and spread it all over the deck.
The extra weight slowed the ship down, and it took longer to catch up to cargo vessels that they wanted to raid.
“Fine by me,” said George, laying in a chaise lounger on the deck and sipping an umbrella drink. “More time for me to work on my tan.”
Weekly Challenge #1007 – Cruising
- Richard
- Lizzie
- Tom
- Lisa
- Serendipidy
- Norval Joe
- Planet Z
The next topic is It’s going down…
LISA
Come Fly with Me
It felt good to be out cruising along, feeling the breeze beneath my wings. Endless possibilities for the day lay ahead.
My driver today was old and small. He struggled to see over the dashboard. Our eyes met but I don’t think he saw me stuck to the windscreen. I could hear his music through the glass.
We travelled together as companions for miles until a jet of water unseated me. I had a nauseating lurch back and forth on the wipers before they came to a stop with a screeching judder.
I realised then, my time was nearly up.
RICHARD
— Flight Plan —
There are some things you just don’t want to hear when cruising at twenty thousand feet.
Things like… “Brace for impact!”, “This is a hijack!”, or “Can you smell burning?”
Thankfully, that’s not a situation I’ve ever found myself having to face, but believe me, I’m prepared.
I think I’ve watched every flight disaster movie that’s ever been released. Twice.
I always try to sit over a wing, or next to an emergency exit. Preferably both.
And, unlike you, I always pay attention to the in-flight safety briefing.
Want my advice?
If you ever fly… Sit next to me!
SERENDIPIDY
It’s Friday night, and I’m getting ready to go out, like so many others will be, the world over.
I’ve showered, done my nails and make -up, picked out a killer outfit, and spritzed myself with fragrance.
And, of course, I’ve had a couple of drinks to get me in the mood.
But I’m not meeting up with the girls, hitting a nightclub or even going out with a hot date. My night will be very different.
Tonight, I’ll be cruising the streets; looking for unfortunate victims to feed my craving.
I did say I’d picked out a ‘killer’ outfit.
TOM
Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac. Don’t look back you can never look back
When I met my first wife, I was living high in Santa Cruz. She was a Walnut Creek Girl with a Fortune 500 Father. I a proto-hippy. One of the oddest things we share was a love of cursing. In northern California lexicon there is phrase: Cruising the Main. And of course, cruising the boardwalk was understood in 174 different languages. We young poor and in need of cheap entertainment. Oh, what a circle that was. Buckets of pills and clouds of pot. Lot and lot of free Booze. One night I even ran it to Both toms: Waits and Lehrer.
LIZZIE
The pelican flew over the cruise ship. The tourists took their phones out to start lives. Look, look, a bird. Most didn’t even know it was a pelican. Some called him a giant seagull. But the pelican flew over again. After the lives came the photos. Social media is hungry, let’s post some photos and show off our ignorance. The pelican flew back and forth. Suddenly, he pooped on the tourists. Shrieks of amusement and more lives, featuring the pooped deck. Likes, hearts, laughing emojis. Then, the pelican flew away, grunting, “bring fish, next time!” and thinking humans are idiots.
NORVAL JOE
With students cruising past them to class, Mandi realized she had said too much.
“He has what?” Bobbi gasped.
“Gotta go to the bathroom.” Mandi hurried into the girl’s room.
She locked herself in a stall, pulled out her phone, and texted Sabrina. Where are you and Billbert?
She read the reply quickly, opened the stall door, and ran into Bobbi, her phone still in her hand.
“Who did you call?” Bobbi demanded.
Mandi shrugged. “I texted Sabrina, but I don’t think it was her.”
“Why?” Bobbi asked.
Mandi frowned deep in thought. “She called me Linoliumanda and not Lindimindi.”
PLANET Z
At night on every cruise ship when the lights are turned off so you can look up and see the stars. Living in the city a lot of the night sky gets washed out by street lights. Even in the country you still get some light pollution. but out on the deep ocean you can see everything and it’s really mind blowing with everyone looking up. Some people trying to take pictures with their phones, not turning off the flash and running it for everyone. At least when it’s dark, nobody can see that it’s you who pushed them overboard.
George’s smart summon
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Long before Elon Musk released “Smart Summon” in his Tesla line of cars, George worked on a similar feature for his pirate ship.
George fired a flare pistol in the air, which signaled his ship to drift to his location and pick him up.
This made sense when he was standing on the docks.
But when he was drunk at a bar a mile inland, well, that caused a whole lot of problems.
Sailing up the street, knocking over market stalls and ruining the cobblestones, and people running away.
George and the Easter eggs
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When he was a kid, his family would paint eggs for Easter and hide them around the yard.
Then, the kids would hunt for the eggs.
Even though he was all grown up now, George yearned for the innocence of youth.
So he painted cannonballs and hid them all over the ship for the crew to find.
“ENEMY VESSEL TO STARBOARD!” shouted the captain. “LOAD THE CANNON!”
“Where are the cannonballs?” shouted the first mate.
Nothing like a little excitement to make an Easter Cannonball Egg hunt fun, right?
George endorsed
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Nobody endorsed him on LinkedIn for piracy, kidnapping, sailing, looting, pillaging…
Anything related to being a pirate.
Every time he requested to connect to someone, they’d decline it.
Nobody on the seas or land wanted to be associated with George professionally.
He tried to join a few groups, but the moderators refused to accept his requests.
George even tried LinkedIn Pro, which told him that a lot of pirates were checking his profile every day.
A lot of big names on that list.
At least they knew his name.
George and the lottery
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He’d rather buy lottery tickets than loot and pillage.
And when he did loot and pillage, he’d use his shares of the booty to buy more lottery tickets.
He never won anything. Well, okay, a few bucks here and there.
And that one time that he won large fries at McDonalds instead of the small fries. That was something.
“The odds of you winning are astronomical,” said the captain. “Why do you play?”
“If I lose, I don’t die,” said George, loading the cannon as The British Fleet approached.
George the sinner
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He always tried to be good.
He went to school and he went to church.
George would go to Confession every day.
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” said George.
“Yes, George, I now,” said Father Timothy. “I was the one you were sinning with.”
The Archbishop of Boston reassigned Father Timothy to another parish.
George, on the other hand, was accused of lying, and he spent years in therapy.
And then, one day, the therapist said:
“What if we pretend to be pirates?”
And, so, George did.