The Language of Ice Cream

My car got a flat tire right outside of an ice cream shop.
Is this the universe’s way of telling me that I should have ice cream?
You know, Galileo said that the language in which God made the universe is mathematics.
What if he was wrong? Maybe the universe was written in the language of ice cream?
If so, ISO-639 should include a language code for ice cream: ic.
And you could tack on dialect codes for different flavors, such as ic-rr for Rocky Road.
A rocky road that flattens your tire in front of an ice cream store.

Scandal

Scandal! Scandal!
The mayor denied the allegations, while the line of accusers got longer and longer and longer.
“Resign!” shouted the city.
“Charge me!” shouted back the mayor.
But they never did charge him.
Instead of going to the police to file charges against the mayor, more and more people went to the media, filling the airwaves and newspapers and websites with even more allegations.
Eventually the list of accusers included everyone in the city… except for the mayor.
The mayor, disgusted with the city, resigned.
People lined up early to make allegations against the next mayor.
But nobody ran.

Sick

I hate being sick.
If I’m going to take time off of work, I’ll go to the museums or to the Galleria or to a baseball game or somewhere ANYWHERE instead of sitting at home.
Oh, sure, I like a nice long hot bath, but there’s only so long you can soak.
Books? My eyes get tired quickly when I am sick.
Podcasts and music are just annoying when I am sick. And television is worse.
So, I try to write. But it all turns out about being sick like this worthless piece of crap.
I’ll just take another nap.

Weekly Challenge #489 – Building

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

Tinny

JEFFREY

Earthquake
by Jeffrey Fischer

Eight floors up, the shaking was noticeable if not alarming. Heads peeked out of offices and above cubicle walls to find out what was happening. West Coast natives knew the signs of an earthquake but couldn’t believe one might be happening in DC, while East Coast natives searched for explanations. Mine was that a particularly obnoxious driver, stuck at the light down below, had a powerful stereo.

Fire alarms clanged and everyone made the slow procession down the stairwells, out of the building. As we stood in the shadows of the skyscrapers, we wondered why it was safer to risk being hit by debris falling off facades than to remain inside. Still, outside on a sunny, temperate afternoon was not the worst place to be.

The Hideout
by Jeffrey Fischer

The building specs showed nine floors above ground and two underground, which made the set of stairs heading down from the sub-basement and the locked door at the bottom all the more mysterious. Vic opened the lock with what Ellen was sure were illegal picks and the pair crept through the doorway.

Inside, the firm’s top executives sat in plush armchairs, sipping drinks out of crystal goblets. “Oh ho, Jackson,” one said, “We’ve been discovered.” The company CEO waved a decanter. “Care to join us? We’re enjoying a lovely glass of Proletarian Tears. Vintage 2013, if I’m not mistaken.” The senior VP chimed in, “An especially good year. We fired 20% of the work force. Tears of fired employees taste the sweetest.”

CHARLIE

The building was vacant a long time. Squatters had taken over, including a dozen meth zombies, heroin addicts, and retired circus clowns. The clowns were insidious, to such an extent that the addicts left…no longer able to handle the insanity, vulgar antics and games of the clown posse. One of their favorite parlor games was to play “shoot twixt wind and water.” It involved a game between the male and female clowns. My shyness and the propriety of this forum prevents further description. The clowns also enjoyed demonstrating how to “have one’s corn ground”, a popular game of the 1800’s.

Second

Building a strong coalition of writers was her current goal. She put the word out using social media, and via her BLOG. Soon, a dozen writers joined her stable of regular contributors. She helped them find venues for publishing, and lined up open mic nights for poets and writers to read their work. She had some rules. Some of them necessary, some frivolous. Writers had to submit all work in the Comic Sans font, avoid French derived verbs, never write in the first or second person nor take any manner or stand on religious, political, artistic, or second amendment matters.

Third

Her build put the Dymaxion structures of Buckminster Fuller to shame…built like a modular, fire-clay, outdoor lavatory, she could sing and she could dance, but all she had to do was make herself available for dates, and her future was assured. She started dating a fellow that was very powerful and rich. Cranston was tired, and forty years her senior. Laurie let him kiss her if he used Lavoris and wiped his mouth. No tongue, no lingering. He could touch her on top, but not below. The old gent was grateful, and showered her with gifts and a generous pre-nup.

RICHARD

William

William’s life had always been miserable. He blamed his parents – how on earth could they have been so thoughtless? But, maybe society in general was just as much at fault.

Despite his misfortune, he made something of his life – leaving behind the torment of schooldays, and setting up his own successful business. Even so, he was never really happy with his lot.

Eventually he concluded a change was necessary: He completed the paperwork, paid the fee and left the Registrar’s office with a smile on his face.

Hello Bill Smith, and good riddance to the hated Bill Ding!

SERENDIPITY

All my neighbours think I’m a DIY nut – she’s always building they say, have you seen all the work she’s done on that house?

They do have a point; the place has changed considerably since when I first moved in. My first venture was filling in the cellar – that took some time, not what you’d call an overnight job, but some things you just can’t rush.

I’ve bricked up the odd fireplace, and rebuilt some of the old plasterboard walls.

My latest project is a new patio… Working on the foundations now: Just need a few more bodies!

LIZZIE

They say building your own house is an empowering experience, buying your own lumber, your own nails, your own tools. Matt especially enjoyed his fuel-powered chainsaw with a ground breaking design; it was absolutely amazing. And no one was allowed to touch it. Yes, the others got splinters stuck in their eyes, fingers hammered till they were black and blue, but the fun it was to saw those logs was unbeatable. However, when someone saws a hand off by mistake, that can be a bloody mess. In the waiting-room of the hospital, Matt sighed. “Good thing it wasn’t my hand…”

ZACKMANN

“Have you seen the ghost?” asked the cleaning woman.

“No, but thanks for giving me something to think about before leaving me alone in the building for the rest of the night.” replied the security officer.

“Someone died here, you know.”
“Oh, I’m sure someone died everywhere by now and every business in California big enough to have security is haunted because whoever leaves me alone for the remainder of the night always tells me they are. I have concluded that if anyplace I work has been haunted the ghosts didn’t mind having someone around to call the fire department.”

TOM

Building a Stronger America, Not

Some may argue that the 80s was the most eclectic decade of the pre-post human era. For your consideration I offer Talking Heads. Hands down the best cover of Take Me To The River. More Songs About Building and Food its sort of an anti-soundtrack to a anti-life. Even the cover art is way cool ins a sub zero sense. Anything but a head shot which is the joke a guess on you if you weren’t paying attention. Damn near wore the vinyl out on side two. I love saying side two. Thank God for CDs. Once in a life time.

We Just Did Stuff

I lament the loss of building that this generation of youts must endure. No opportunity to build tree houses, or forest forts if you prefer. The Boomers had enough scrape lumber to build may small cities. Midnight Requisition frown upon by parents was tolerated by construction worker as long as you didn’t get greedy. Our best structure was four stories. Granted each floor was 5 to 3 feet tall. Pretty Cool. We never had a blue print, we never had a drawing, we never had a plan. All we had was about a thousand nails. Couldn’t do that today.

NORVAL JOE

I understand now that I tried to the enter the self publishing world backwards.
I just went out there and released my book on Kindle and Create Space expecting people to find it and buy it.
I should have spent several months before the book launch building my platform.
I’m already preparing my platform for a book I am just outlining.
It’s a non-fiction, self-help book, called, “Why You’re Smarter than the Next Guy, and How You can Profit By It.”
I’m starting a facebook page for egocentric sociopaths looking for ways to develop passive income without working for it.

DANNY

What the hell am I building when I surround myself with negativity all the time? I gave up my practice to work for someone who calls me stupid because I’m losing my hearing. I have to agree, I am stupid. I’m stupid for following someone so negative, who clearly has an anger problem, who has taken every shred of pride I used to have against me, and screams at the top of his lungs about how worthless I am. It’s about time I questioned the people I call friends in my life. Because quite frankly, they are tearing me down.

TURA

Building
———
You wish to visit the Palace? No, sir, this great building is merely its gatehouse.

But beware! Further on the road you will come to a far greater building, bustling with seeming activity, and will take that to be the palace. But that is the second gatehouse, inhabited only by mechanical puppets.

After that will be a third, vaster and more convincing still, and a fourth.

You cannot reach the palace. The procession is endless. Some say that its Architect waits at the end. But I think He is trapped there, waiting for the one who will unravel His magic.

MUNSI

How to Build

By Christopher Munroe

One piece at a time, focusing on the one, until a unified whole emerges.

THIS is how to build a thing, whether a structure, work of art, or a life, one piece upon another, focusing on the piece at hand, trying not to worry what the next might bring.

Trust each piece.

Trust yourself.

Your structure, your life, WILL with time emerge…

Or: Make a detailed plan, in advance, thinking things through and planning for any eventuality, then follow that plan.

But I’ve never been able to do that.

So one piece at a time it shall have to be…

PLANET Z

Some say that a church is just another building, but there’s something special about a church.
It’s a community hub, where families come together, or singles can find other like-minded singles.
It’s a place of sanctuary, especially for illegal immigrants. I mean undocumented workers, because, I’m sure my paperwork is in here somewhere.
It’s somewhere to park when you don’t really trust the valet at the restaurant next door.
And it’s the last place where the cops will look for a hydroponic grow room.
The pastor’s glaucoma’s gotten really bad this year. Or so he says.
Would a priest lie?

Music: http://www.bensound.com/royalty-free-music

Surviving

You know how child actors turn out badly?
Well, that Peppermint Lane show was one of the worst for the kids who starred in it.
Instead of going to school, they had tutors on the set, but they were paid to give the kids passing grades.
All they knew how to do was be a child actor. And that doesn’t last.
Some got into drugs and alcohol.
Others lost their money to greedy parents and turned to crime or other ways to get by.
The puppets made it into museums, or on toy store shelves, envied by the surviving few.

Towel

Every summer, my parents sent me to a daycamp.
Once a week, we’d go out to the local pool.
I’ve always hated swimming and water. I’d just stay on my towel, but now and then, the camp counselors would pick me up and throw me in the pool.
I’d try to run from them, but they always got me. Everybody ganged up on me.
I hated it.
One time, I forgot which towel was mine.
We had to wait until everybody got their towels.
Logically, mine was the last one.
Doesn’t matter. I wished they’d have hung themselves with it.

Arts

The National Endowment For The Arts was founded to foster artists of all kinds.
Except one: con artists.
So, The National Endowment For Con Artists was started to foster them.
From all across the country they came to apply for grants: con artists, frauds, bamboozlers, and hucksters.
Some flew in from other countries with false documentation and credentials. When you think about it, faking up citizenship papers is a good test for your con artist skills.
In the end, the Endowment failed, because nobody on the board could agree on a definition of “legitimate” con artist with a straight face.

Break

My wife is going out of town to visit her sister.
The last time she visited her, I went out on my bike to get groceries.
On the way back, I fell off my bike and broke my elbow.
This time, I’m not going to ride my bike.
And I’m not going to go get groceries.
Instead, I’m going to hole up in the living room and order pizzas for a week.
There’s no way I’ll break my arm now. As long as I don’t trip over empty boxes. Or violently piss off a delivery driver with a crappy tip.

150

Sesquicentennial is a silly-looking word, but we here in Ocean Falls take everything serious.
Miss Liza has been teaching the schoolkids to count to 150.
That counting came in handy for the whipping of Fred Murks, the town drunk. The kids counted out loud with every crack of the whip.
Except for Little Fred Junior. He screamed in horror at the sight of his father covered with gashes and blood.
Fred only took seventeen lashes before dying.
“There there, Little Fred,” we said.
And then gave him a bottle of gin.
You know. So he can practice. For the Bicentennial.

Envy The Mashed

Whenever I see that a restaurant sells potato skins as an appetizer, I look for mashed potatoes on the menu.
Because there is nothing more cruel than to flay the skin off of a potato and then cast the naked potato out into the cold, shivering and frightened.
At least they are not alone in their suffering, since one cannot just have a single potato’s skin.
Huddled together in the alley behind the restaurant… how cruel!
Better to throw them into a bowl and mash them up to end their suffering. The poor potatoes in the alley envy the mashed.