Michelangelo said that he saw the angel in the marble, and carved until he was set free.
As for the basement of hookers that he’d brutally stabbed and eviscerated, well, Michelangelo claimed that he’d seen angels in them, but when he carved each of them up, he’d realized his mistake.
At first, the Pope wanted to have Michelangelo arrested and tried for murder, but instead, he asked Michelangelo if he heard any angels coming from his political rivals.
Sure enough, he did.
So, the Pope had the bodies quietly removed, and let the homicidal artist continue on with Papal patronage.
Mr. Moneybags
I’d never want all the money in the world.
If I had all the money in the world, that would mean that nobody else would have any. And they’d constantly ask me for some.
“Hey, Mister Moneybags, can you spare a few bucks? I want to buy a sandwich.” And I’d say “Of course.” And I’d pull out a hundred. “Can you break a hundred?”
Of course not.
I guess the world’s economy would collapse. Or turn to barter.
So, instead of all of it, I just want as much of it as I can get.
Just like everybody else.
John Musico – Just Some Initials
John
Just Some Initials
Retiring from the lovely Federal Government involves a final step termed; “exiting out”. There is a form…with every conceivable department listed: from uniforms to the library. The retiree must walk to every single one of them and get initials, in ink; that no money is owed. My supervisor said; “It’s not so bad, just takes a few hours”. I returned once again to the last building where the signer was not available. That day, it was a frigid 23 degrees and gusts of blistering wind assaulted my face for getting; “Just a few initials”. Thank God, I’m finally retiring.
Steven
My roommate Steve isn’t from around here.
Oh, and his name isn’t Steve.
In the local dialect, Steve’s name translates to “Can I have a motherfucking epidural now?”
You see, his mother tried to give birth to him naturally, but things went horribly wrong, and instead of a brief period of contractions and labor, she was wracked with agony for three days.
We call him Steve because that other name is just too hard to say, with all the clicks and pops and growls. Plus, it scares the cat.
Problem is, my name is Steve, too.
Okay, call me Steven.
John Musico – Pantheon
The Goddess of XX
In the schoolyard, escalating bickering among boys culminates in chapter two: a fistfight. For girls, chapter two is advanced bickering. Further, all girls seek to be the queen bee: “The Goddess of XX” (chromosomes that is). Men merely want to be left alone; few care to be alpha dog. Since a man, short that second X; may not punch a woman; he will never win an argument with a woman. Men are still back at bickering 101 and up against women who are seasoned lawyers. Then again, there’s Dirty Harry- press him; and get punched in the face, even women.
The Crime
It was a sunny day without a cloud in the sky when Bert killed Ernie.
After all those years together, Ernie only wanted to share his bathtub with his rubber duckie.
And all those stupid, annoying questions.
The last thing Ernie said was “Why is it Sesame Street instead of Sesame Court?”
Bert snapped.
A few hours later, Bert called the police and confessed.
The police said they’d send someone to pick him up.
Three hours later, the police unit had gotten lost on the way.
The officer called Bert: “Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?”
John Musico – Anchor
John
The Rollercoaster
There’s monthly long acting pain meds which, if enough, make short acting pain meds “as needed” not needed. Patients loose count of the as needed meds and use the supply before the months end, then when refilled, jonesing and in pain, do it again thereafter- anchored to the jonesing and ongoing pain cycles. It’s not to get high, rather, to quench the withdrawal and the tolerance accrued early last month. It’s called the rollercoaster.
Doctors view these medically induced haggard patients as drug seekers rather than face that they misestimated the dose of the medicines.
The drug rollercoaster rolls on…
Tattoos
VERSION 1:
Unlike ice cream trucks and their melodic chimes playing Turkey In The Straw or Pop Goes The Weasel, Ted’s Tattoo Truck announces its presence with Metallica’s Enter Sandman.
He usually parks it outside of schools and offers up a wide range of temporary tattoos, from snarling demons to Hello Kitty. But every now and then, a company will hire him to print up their logo or latest marketing buzzword for a corporate picnic.
His original plan was to offer real tattoos, but those take too long to create.
Temporary tattoos allow repeat business, and don’t piss off parents as much.
VERSION 2:
Do you hear that?
That’s not Pop Goes The Weasel, or Turkey in the Straw.
That’s Metallica’s Enter Sandman on the jangly jinglechimes of Ted’s Temporary Tattoo Truck!
It’s been a while since he was last at our school.
Our moms and dads were so angry. But Ted’s lawyer was angrier, and now Ted’s back! Hoorah!
What will you get?
A unicorn? A demon? A Hello Kitty?
A Harry Potter forehead lightning bolt scar?
I’m going to get Mom on a heart for my arm. Maybe get a whole sheet of them.
Because who knows when he’ll be back again.
John Musico – Fit
John
Fit
Jessabelle finally mustered the bravado to overcome her shame and made an appointment with a psychiatrist for her nymphomania. He considered what might instead be temporal lobe seizures.
One week of antiseizure meds later, she was cured. She had become accustomed to her daily orgasms. Not long after, she found herself backing down on the medicine. One her next psychiatric follow up appointment, the doctor inquired; “So, have those fits quieted down?” She confessed to her noncompliance and her return to near daily orgasms. The doctor declared; “It seems we have narrowed down your definitive diagnosis; you are a nymphomaniac”.
JJE
Ever hear the phrase “judge, jury, and executioner?”
Well, in Tangle Creek, Alaska, that’s their justice system.
If Old JJ Barleyfield catches you committing a crime in Tangle Creek, your ass is toast.
But then, there’s not much crime in that old mining town… Fred’s the only resident there these days.
Well, was.
Fred must have caught himself committing a crime, because the mail delivery service found him dead the other day.
The paperwork he left behind was just scribbles that nobody could understand.
At first, the state coroner ruled it Suicide, but he scratched that out and wrote Justice.