Some people like chili with beans, and others like it without.
Sure, you can make a pot of each, but there’s a more elegant one-pot solution.
When he wasn’t in the lab working on quantum physics, Erwin Schrödinger was in the kitchen, cooking for friends, family, and coworkers.
When he made chili, he ran into the same bean problem. Fussy eaters whining about beans or no beans.
So, just for them, he made a special pot of chili.
They didn’t know if it had beans until they got agonizing cramps.
“Serves you right!” he’d shout. “You’re fussier than my cat!”
Tag: silly
Best Friends
I like to watch online movies where two vastly different animals have close bonds and friendships.
The cutest I’ve seen is a black cat that plays with an owl. The owl swoops while the cat leaps up at it, or the owl hops on the ground while the cat turns circles.
As for the weirdest, I suppose it’s not easy having a giant squid as your best friend.
Especially if you’re a sperm whale.
Watching these two play and wrestle makes my heart swoon with joy.
And terror.
(Because our boat’s right above them, and they’re heading to the surface.)
The Judge
The judge put on his best robe, checked it in the mirror, and walked into the courtroom.
Streamers and balloons shouting HAPPY BIRTHDAY! were arranged around his bench and the jury box.
The courthouse’s best punchbowl was filled with what was supposed to be a simple red punch, but his bailiff was notorious for spiking it every year.
The bailiff’s wink confirmed it.
And then there was the cake… biggest, fanciest one he’d ever seen.
That’s when he realized… where was everybody else?
The guests? The partiers?
He shrugged, issued a flurry of bench warrants, and tried the punch.
Delicious!
Feed The Ducks
When I was young, my dad would take us to the ponds out by the Volkswagen offices. We’d feed the swans there.
These days, I’ll pick up a sandwich from the local Subway, eat the meat and vegetables out of it, and then walk to a small landscaped lake. The ducks and swans get the leftover bread.
Once, all the ducks and swans were gone. In their place were a set of wooden decoys, floating out on the lake.
What do decoys eat?
I quickly scribbled pictures of loaves of bread on my notepad and tossed them into the lake.
Dolly
When people asked Dolly Parton what she wanted people to say about her in 100 years, she’d say: “Darn, she looks good for her age!”
When the zombie outbreak swept across the country, Dolly was one of the many millions roaming the streets moaning “BRAAAAAAINS!”
Well, not exactly moaning. She still had a bit of that sweet friendly twang to her voice. Some say she’d toss in a “Howdy, y’all!” and “How ya doin?”
The plague was contained, she was caught, and after all these years, her still-groaning corpse is in Examination Pod Nine.
And, damn, she looks like shit.
Advent Towers
Don’t you just love those Christmas-time crime sprees?
Burglars were going through the old apartment building like an Advent calendar.
They robbed each apartment in numerical order, leaving a small chocolate candy and thoughtful Bible verse on the floor for the residents to discover when they returned.
After the third burglary, the cops actually followed up on their promise to send a patrol by to check on things, but they just missed the burglars.
So, the next night, they had a patrolman waiting in the fifth apartment.
They found him bound and gagged the next morning, chocolate in his mouth.
The Right Man
“One day, you’ll find the right one. You work too hard.”
Remembering her mother’s words; staring at her reflection in the shiny temporal engine, every wrinkle under her tired eyes.
Another night at the lab, alone, hunting for chronatons.
Tonight, she found them, and they exploded.
Nausea… Waking up slowly.
She breathed air so fresh… Outside… Trees… Beautiful clouds… Pristine…
And a man carrying a blood-soaked jawbone, standing next to a body.
She rubbed her forehead. Still a bit dizzy. The lab. The explosion. The-
It had… worked?
The man dropped the weapon, reached down.
“My name’s Lily,” she said.
Conference Call
Ten people in suits walked into a conference room, pulled laptop computers out of their leather satchels, booted them up, and started their virtual conference software.
On ten screens, digital dopplegangers of each attendee appeared, and they sat down on tree stumps around a virtual campfire.
The crackles and pops of the fire cycled for a minute before anyone spoke.
“Anything for the agenda?” one asked.
No response.
“Nothing at all?” they asked again.
Still no response.
“Good. Meeting adjourned.”
The figures vanished from the screens, the laptops were stowed back into their satchels, and the people left the room.
Constant
Over the years, Euler has been my constant companion.
We met totally by chance. Someone gave me his number by mistake. We’ve had smooth sailing since.
Archimedes, on the other hand, has been a constant nuisance.
Keeps sticking his fingers in the pies I bake, poking his digits endlessly in them until they’re a ruined mush.
Then there’s the Feigenbaums. They start out nice and reliable, sure, but over time they’re utterly unpredictable. A constant headache.
I tried to reach out to Khinchin, but he’s just endlessly divisive. Always cutting himself down. A constant bummer, as we sail for Constantinople.
Well
Welcome to the Five Wells, stranger!
One is a wishing well. You can make wishes there for things like wealth, fame, and power.
The second is an unwishing well. That’s where you can take back wishes you make in the first well, because wishes always come with unintended consequences.
The third is a wishing unwell. Toss a coin in there if you want to wish something bad, like someone getting sick or something.
The fourth is an unwishing unwell. Just in case you regret using the third well.
The fifth one’s for tossing in strangers who ask too many questions.