Just say "Alexa, play the 100 Word Stories Podcast."
When people say to spray for ants
I’d rather that they pray for ants
I think ants are really neat
So I kneel down and bless their feet
I tell the ants to bow their heads
And then my mom gives me my meds
They make the voices go away
Which tell me when I ought to pray
I sleep and dream of Lord Apshai
Who rules all ants from upon high
He then demands a sacrifice
I look around for something nice
And that’s why I burned all my pants
Burnt offerings to the god of the ants.
Amen.
Thank God Joe was wearing his safety helmet.
Some jackass at the site dropped a brick from ten stories up.
Instead of killing Joe, it just knocked him silly. Spent a week in the hospital.
He’s fine, except that he’s now got this imaginary friend he calls Luthor.
To Joe, Luthor’s real, and he gets really mad when you try to tell him otherwise.
Or point out that Luthor can’t hold a welding torch or the other end of a safety line.
Joe’s on permanent disability now.
But, we hired Luthor.
Guy never complains, and he never cashes his checks.
When other people can’t reach their sites, they freak out and panic like it’s the end of the world. Me, I don’t worry so much. I figure that the server deserves a break every once in awhile. Let the poor thing get some rest now and then. Plus, I’ve got backups, so in a worst-case scenario, I can always start fresh and reload all of the site data. Here… let me show you… the backups are… they’re… wait a minute… and… The backups folder is empty? Maybe they got saved somewhere else… I mean… they were just here… Oh shit.
Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at podcasting.isfullofcrap.com. I’m your host, Laurence Simon.
This is Weekly Challenge Number Two Hundred and Eighty-Eght, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was Halloween
And we’ve got stories by:
Sevda
Huangfu Ran
Carole
Sachy
Chris Munroe
Tom
Paladin
Jeff Hite
Miketh Fretwork
Steven the Nuclear Man
Zackmann
Norval JoeTJ
Planet Z
And if you want to spam your social networks with this episode, use the Share buttons at the end of the post.
Sevda
Halloween
This child transforms into a vampire
Running past the blazing campfire
Instantly upon the porch he yells
“Can I have a trick or treat”
Kindly, he’s given blood to eat
OR
This child transforms into a smurf
Running around the familiar turf
Every stop continues the flood
As she yells out, “Happy Halloween”
Till her face by all is seen
Huangfu Ran
The piping of orioles and twitter of swallows
announce a new year.
To Ma Yi and Long Dui
a thousand mile road.
My home is in a towered city close to the Han park;
My heart follows the bright moon into Tartar skies.
On my loom I have woven my endless sorrow
into brocade;
In the upper chamber, sprays of bl ossom
mock my solitary sleep.
I ask General Dou, Commander of Cavalry,
When will he turn the banners
and carve his exploits on Swallow Rock.
Carole
I was in the shower working up a rich, soapy lather with my body scrub, when the doorbell started to persistently ring.
“Darn,” I thought, “What could be so important?”
I hastily stepped out of my warm cocoon, into my pink fluffy robe and flew down the stairs to answer the door.
A coven of six year old ghouls proffering pumpkin buckets and cauldrons yelled
“Trick or Treat!” at me , giggling with anticipation. I noted their “Gatekeeper”, a tall, gorgeous, handsome man, appraising my dripping wet body, so I responded with a seductive wink
“Well, that depends….”
Later on…
Sachy
From the hell fire in which Halloween was created, the most demonic and horrifying creature was born. In lore he would come to be known as…Brucie.
“Oh em gee, that’s me!”
Greedy tendrils work their way into your unsuspecting pillow cases, bags and buckets in search for his favorite candies.
“Is that Snickers? I just know these are going to go straight to my hips.”
If you see the bright sequenced vest and gleam of leather chaps in the moonlight, grab your candy and run for he is the one creature that will ruin your Halloween.
“You’re so silly.”
Chris Munsi Monroe
And welcome back to Zombie chat! We’ve got some amazing guests joining us on the show tonight and we can’t wait to get started.
First up we’ve got Nobel prizewinning economist Paul Krugman joining us, and we’re going to eat his brain. Our musical guest is Canadian ‘90s power poppers The Odds, playing one of their classic hits. Finally, the head chef of a popular downtown restaurant will be dropping by to cook us a meal involving a surprising secret ingredient!
But first, what’s left of David Mitchellson is outside with the action weather report. Take it away, David!
“Raaaaaaaaain…”
Tom
After very little thought I have decided what I want to be for Halloween this year. Angry Bird Red. I built a 20 foot sling shot. Got an 8 foot ball of nerf covered in red Kevlar. For the destructive material braking kinetic aspect of the costume I’m lighting up ¼ sticks of dynamite and throwing them against people’s screen doors. Really brings that trick or treat meme into the 21st century. Tried to talk my wife into dressing up as Yellow Angry Bird. She pointed out someone needs to me around to throw bail. Ok honey release the ….. eeeeee.
Paladin
Watch, I’ll show you how it’s done. Ya gotta jump when you go into the fog, if you jump when you get in then you’re flying and the ghosts can’t get you. Watch out, the grass is lava. Hop on the rocks. Quick up the stairs, use your flashlight so the goblins can’t get you through the holes. Knock knock. Open bag, smile. TRICK OR TREAT!! Thank you, you’re welcome. Don’t worry, he’s a friendly werewolf. On to the next house. You’re doing pretty good for your first Halloween.
Jeff Hite
Bill came onto the bridge wearing half of an environment suit.
“Why are you wearing an environment suit?” the Computer asked.
“What? oh this, yeah I am putting my Halloween costume together.”
“Halloween?”
“Yes, I want to be ready for the big party at the end of the month.”
“It is only September, and there will be no one to have a party with. Everyone will be in stasis for another 40 years.”
“Well party pooper, I am going to have a great costume, you’ll see. And there will be lights and music, you have got the monster mash right?”
Miketh
Candles are lit, the table is set and the wine is sitting chilled in a bucket of ice. Darla peeks out the window not once but twice. Her husband was late again which wouldn’t suffice. When he walked in the door she would not cause a scene, for it was October 31st also known as Halloween. Charles did love to be fashionably late. He had even done so on their very first date. He took her and kissed her under that old oak tree. If only he hadn’t been dead since 2003. He’d want more than brains unlike other zombies.
Steven The Nuclear Man
My benefactor chortles from the shadows. “Your Trunk-and-Treat was
very…sanitary, Pastor.” His belly moves when he speaks.
I nod and mumble my thanks. “Thanks to you, it was a very Christian–”
He laughs and his belly jiggles. “I don’t care what you call it.
Just so they forget what this holiday is really about. Forget the
sacrifices. Forget what they were scared of.”
Two short men – elves – grab my wrist, and I glimpse red cloth and
white beard as my benefactor rises.
“And then they’ll forget my holiday, and milk and cookies will never,
ever be enough.”
Zackmann
Wow, Captain Cheyenne if you are normally a pirate should you dress as a pirate for Halloween? Great sexy goblin nurse costume,Nyro.
Oh, it is a regular nurse costume I put the sexy in it. Said Nyro.
Also the real tail. Here have some candy, I wouldnt do this to the children on Halloween but would you like some fresh fruit? To bring back to the ark? Unlike pirates most children don’t worry much about scurvy.
How did you know about the story ark? asked captain Cheyenne.
Nyro posted a picture on Twitter when you landed at the river.
zackmann
Drew convinced his mother to take him and this brother shopping for Halloween costume stuff. He asked his mother for a good deal of costume stuff. Her response was telling him that he was crazy if he thought she was spending that much for something that he will use only once. He responded by asking why she would think he would only use it once.
Later asks to go back for some red and blue cloth also some black electrical tape.
On Halloween night, Drew’s dad was not sure which superhero Drew was but had to admit Drew looked great
Norval Joe
Detective Branson woke to the sound of his dog scratching at his bedroom door. He peered at his bedside clock.
“3 AM,” he moaned.
The phone rang. Typically, he wouldn’t answer it, but he was already awake.
“Branson. This is Captain Harris,” the familiar voice said. “You were right about the zombie invasion starting at mid-night on Halloween. Only problem is, mid-night on Halloween was this morning and not tonight. You’d better get right in.”
Getting out of bed, Branson kicked his dog where it lay on the floor, sleeping.
When the scratching came again, he reached for his shotgun.
TJ
Hi! Oh, sorry. Hey there, I’m… someone else entirely, my bad. Hey,
nice costume! Oh… sorry. No, it’s still a great costume, just you’re a
dude. Hello? Hello? Anyone? Miss? *”Enjoys a sense of whimsy and
lighthearted fun.” Yeah, thanks eMusicalChairs, that’s, um, all well
and good until, say, someone like Sharon sets up your first meeting at a
Halloween Corn Maze in the middle of a Three Musketeers theme. And has
you both dress like… you guess it… musketeers. Sharon? Sharon? Oh…
hi… costume came with its own mustache as well, hmm. Or, wow, I…
sure hope it did.
Planet Z
Some people pass out candy for Halloween.
But this year, all I seem to do is pass out.
Every time I open the door to step out there, the world goes all swimmy.
What are you, ghost? Zombie? Pirate? Regis Philbin? The One Percent?
Things get dark, and I’m falling.
When I come to, the candy’s gone, maybe I’ve got a bump on my head or a bruise on my arm.
Damn kids. Damn Halloween.
Then I realize I’ve been stepping on the hose to my oxygen mask.
Pulling the tank a little closer to the door should solve it.
Folks still ask me what it was like working with Marvin Zindler.
There was a piano in Studio B, and when things were slow and Marvin had checked his stocks enough, or he’d had his daily fight with the News Manager, he’d sit down and play.
I’d listen and enjoy.
“Simon,” he said, smiling Texas-wide, twinkling eyes behind blue lenses, never missing a key, “we’re bigger whores than the ones at the Chicken Ranch. They just got themselves prettier makeup.”
You know, early in his career, he got told he was too ugly for television.
These days, nothing’s too ugly.
Remembering what my therapist told me to do in times of stress, I close my eyes and try to relax.
“Think positively,” she’d say. “Count your blessings and that will put things into perspective.”
So, I think of my wonderful wife, my great kids, the beautiful house we’ve got paid off, the thriving business I’ve built from the ground up…
Ground?
Up?
I open my eyes, and I see the ground is still there, approaching just as rapidly as it was before I spaced out with the happy-sappy stuff.
I tug on the cord for the reserve chute again, harder.
It’s been a while since we talked.
So, we talked. Caught up.
It’s rough out there. I know.
And then you say: “He’s wonderful to me.”
I think of all the things going on in my life, all the bullshit and frustration and worries and… and…
It’s nothing. Just knowing there’s someone there, treating you so well, being so good to you.
Well, I can feel all that stuff just wash away.
I know it’s not really gone. It’s all still there.
But just hearing those four words, knowing that…
We’ll catch up again soon.
I look forward to it.
It was the 25 annual Putnam county throwing bee. County clowns competed to move up to the state and hopefully the national pie throwing finals in Washington DC. The winner gets to land a cream custard in President Obama’s face. Dan had the moves, fluid in motion, with a flair for the dramatics. He noticed Timmy Baxster load a tin up with rocks and tack aim at Dan. Dan unloaded his Glock and Timmy’s pie flipped up and rocks rolled across the stage. A tiny bell rang off stage and Timmy was dragged off by his number 22 shoes. GOODBYE
Remember the story of Stone Soup?
A traveling beggar puts a big stone in a cauldron, adds well water, and hoodwinks the whole village into bringing vegetables and meat for a communal soup feast.
The beggar kept this scam going until one day, he woke up to find the cauldron missing.
He managed to scrape up cauldrons for the soup in the next few villages, but his luck ran out eventually.
“Okay, you don’t have a cauldron for soup,” he said. “We can make a big stone sandwich instead.”
Three cracked teeth later, angry villagers brained him with the stone.
Every time my neighbor Stan says “That’s the oldest trick in the book!” I ask him “Which book?”
“Well, it’s just an expression!” Stan says. “Don’t be so literal!”
As a collector of books, I own many volumes of tricks, and the oldest trick in the oldest book involves magically turning a person into a frog.
Sadly, the first page is missing from that oldest volume, so there may be an even earlier trick, but it’s lost to history.
I show the book to Stan. “See,” I say. “This is the oldest trick.”
“Ribbit,” says Stan, and he hops away.