Category: My stories

The Hottest Girl In Class

578576

By far, Veronica was the hottest girl in the class. She’ll really make you sweat.
At 900 degrees, ordinary desks would melt or burst into flame at her slightest touch. So she sat at the back of the class in a massive heat-sink, uncomfortable in her tungsten gown, taking notes with a ceramic stylus.
On most days, the air handlers barely kept up with her, but today we’ve got all the windows open in January.
Nobody sits next to her at lunch, although some occasionally approach her asking if she’ll reheat their soup or grill their sandwiches between her palms.

Headache pills

487640

Jennie pulled open the mirror and fumbled through the bottles of pills.
“Where are you… where are you…” she muttered, pulling bottle after bottle off of the shelves, looking at their labels, and dropping them in the sink.
“Where are my headache pills?” she whined.
She then looked in each of the drawers, sliding each one out and then slamming them shut.
No headache pills.
She turned out the light, went back to bed, and felt a lump under the pillow.
The pills!
She shook one out of the bottle and dry-swallowed it.
Pain filled her skull.
“Not tonight, dear…”

The Dangerous Salad

506467

I ordered a Chef’s Salad, but the chef didn’t want to part with his salad. He does that sometimes, the crazy bastard.
So I ended up with a Dangerous Salad instead.
Nothing was dangerous about the ingredients themselves, mind you. From the iceberg lettuce to the herb-encrusted wheat bread croutons, you’d assume that it would be benign.
You’d assume wrongly. Because a salad’s ingredients might all be ordinary, it’s the arrangement of those ingredients that can have fatal consequences.
Well, that and the salad dressing. I mean, who ever heard of Arnsenic Vinaigrette?
I specifically ordered fat-free Arnsenic Vinaigrette, dammit.

Ulysses grants

650288

Ulysses sold Inspiration in a bottle.
Sure, it was ordinary tap water, and the bottles dingy beer bottles with cheap laser-printed labels glued on them crooked-like, but people desperate for Inspiration will pay anything for it.
Ulysses does his best bsiness on Artist’s Row in Midtown. He goes around collecting up empties like an old-fashioned milkman, leaving full bottles on the doorstep.
“I need a lot of Inspiration for tomorrow,” says a painter. “Twice the normal order.”
Ulysses grunts, marks a pad with a nub of a pencil, and pushes his cart down the alley.
Inspiration waits for no one.

The Easter Egg Hunt

348570

We spent all of yesterday painting eggs. The kids love the bright colors and the sparkles. Their wide-open eyes dazzle in delight.
After they went to bed, I hid the eggs throughout the house. That’s right. When they wake up, we’re going to have ourselves an old-fashioned Easter egg hunt.
But sometimes, they whine about this kind of thing. Kids can be lazy these days, you know. Damn X-Box Generation.
So if they give up, I’ll just tell them that we didn’t paint chicken eggs. We painted rattlesnake and alligator eggs. And if they don’t find them all, they’ll hatch.

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 55

545504

General Grant slid the card across the table to his Commander In Chief and winked.

Abe looked at it:

“HOUSE OF PAIN”

“They’re good,” said Grant. “They’ve got S&M clubs here in Washington, New York, Boston, and Atlanta. Made Sherman think twice about burning the city down.”

Abe slid it back to Grant.

“As I would not be a slave,” said Abraham Lincoln. “So I would not be a master.”

“Fine,” Grant said. “Your loss. I’ll take Stanton this weekend.”
Abe left the room, went upstairs, and put on his diaper.

“I want my bottle!” he shouted.

Mary Todd sighed.

The Dali Code

407101

I know you’ve heard of the DaVinci Code, but have you heard of the Dali Code?
Just as the true nature of Christ is in a vault only reachable by following clues laid out by Leonardo DaVinci’s work, Salvador Dali’s work is a map to the Missing Fifteenth Station of the Cross.
Dali? Devout?
Of course he was. Why else would he paint Crucifixion?
Okay, so here’s the secret: Between having his clothes stripped off and getting nailed to the cross, Jesus was slapped with a fish in a bowler hat.
Okay, so he was a weird kind of devout.

Set The Alarm

404048

Susan set her alarm to six-thirty, and she woke up at six-thirty.
Susan set her alarm to six, and she woke up at six.
She then set her alarm to nineteen forty-one.
Sure enough, she woke up in 1941. People were walking around and going about their lives without a clue as to what horrors of war were right around the corner.
She tried all sorts of times in the past. She even tried a few in the future.
Susan set her alarm back to seven, and she woke up at seven.
Her stupid boss fired her for being late.

Lawyerbot

467336

Lawyers who had defended the most savage and brutal mass-murdering war criminals had refused his case. Not even for tens of billions of dollars.
“Keep your blood money,” they told the multi-billionaire software mogul..
So, faced with using court-appointed chumps, he decided to defend himself.
He took a long weekend to re-engineer his massive search engines to scour every law book, every court record, and every TV court drama script.
The beta hung the jury. And the Gold release won.
As revenge, he distributed the Lawyerbot program for free.
Lawyers sued to stop him. But Lawyerbot beat them, of course.

Cones

459992

Tomorrow, all across the world, every orange traffic cone will vanish.
Then, three seconds later, they will reappear just as suddenly as they vanished.
Nobody will realize that they’ve been gone.
They’ve trained us not to notice.
Over the decades, the traffic cones have been watching us, manipulating us, learning our weaknesses.
They especially like construction zones. They think we’re at our most interesting there.
When construction begins on something, they show up. Then, when it’s done, they hang around for a little bit before moving on to somewhere else.
They also like watching driving lessons, just for danger’s sake.