Never

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We all stared at the turtle in its terrarium.
They named it Never.
“What kind of name is Never?” I asked.
The twins both shrugged at the same time.
They did that kind of thing, shrugging and smiling and sneezing together.
And they were always in agreement.
Even if it was something weird, like naming their pet turtle “Never.”
“I still don’t understand why you two wanted a turtle,” I said. “Why not a dog or a cat?”
And they shrugged again.
Sure, they’re my kids. I love them.
But it can be really, really creepy when they do this.

Poison Banquet

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The guards aren’t allowed to beat us anymore, but they still torture us.
They have a chef cook feasts for them. The air ducts are arranged to blanket the jail with the kitchen smells:
Fresh baked bread.
Deep, rich gumbo.
Buttery, roasted corn.
So good!
Then they slide trays with the usual, horrible slop under the bars.
The chef is one of us. Did twenty years for putting a knife in a man trying to rob his restaurant.
They beat him bad too many times, so he’s adding his extra special ingredient tonight.
“Poison never tasted so good,” he chuckles.

Weekly Challenge #142 – Double Dipping

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Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Forty-Two where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was… was…. um…
It’s a combination of: Double Dipping
The excellent theme music is by Guy David
VOTING

Which were the best stories of Weekly Challenge #142?
Ashley
Guy from http://guydavid.com/
Tom from http://midi.libsyn.com
Anima Zabaleta from http://http.zabbadabba.com/
Justin from http://www.thebeandom.com/spaceturtle
Norval Joe from www.norvalsoutlook.blogspot.com
Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Go ahead and listen to them and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):


Ashley

“Happy birthday Mr. Thomas,” said Little Johnny.
Mr. Thomas said, “thank you Johnny,” as he opened the bag of chocolate goodies.
“The smaller ones are peanuts, the bigger ones brownie bits. I made the brownies and double dipped each in chocolate myself.”
Mr. Thomas smiled as he popped a brownie bit into his mouth. The smile gone, he swallowed hard, coughing mightily.
“You’re welcome, Mr. Thomas,” said Little Johnny as he headed back to his seat. All the other kids in the class watched with awe.
They already knew, the brownie bits were really deer pellets. A legend was born.

Guy David

You have to double dip it. Once is not enough. Once won’t get you the texture, the finesse. It has to be dipped twice, then it has be be rolled over three times and wrapped around that other part five times. The topping comes next. That has to circle the whole thing ten times. Circle it eleven times and you destroy the balance. Circle it nine times, and the taste is ruined. When it’s done, don’t just eat it. Savor it. Treasure it. Enjoy every tiny bite, every twinkle of taste. Enjoy it for what it is – your life giver.

Tom

Timmy the typewriting monkey was double dipping. He had an exclusive contract with Crap Publishing Houston TX. But unknown to the firm Timmy had sold a story to Ben and Jerry Press, which was being serialized in Vanity Fair. The story was entitled: Our American Cousin. In the final installment the old rail splitter having been mortally wounding by the villain TollBooth in a mix of fever and lust rips open the bodice of his morning wife thus exposing twin scoops of Mary Todd just as Abe expires. Crap Publishing has taken legal acts, but at present is spanking their monkey.

Anima

Howard has incredible luck; so much, you’d think he’s double dipped in it.
Spying twenty dollars on the ground, Howard stooped to pick it up; his hand
was crushed by the scuffed leather shoe of Brad Pitt.
Mind if I take that? I have a family to support.
When he was stranded on the highway, Prof. Ado Bayero, king of the Nigerian
scams, stopped to help. Howard got arrested as an accomplice when Vice
pulled up.
Don’t even ask about his dates.
Is Howard’s luck changing? Today he found a four-leaf clover; there were no
falling anvils to been seen…

Justin

This weird scientist reunion is ok. It’s good to see some of my old friends
and all, but some can be such plonkers! Bloody Time Traveler over there, he
keeps jumping back in time to steal all the snacks. He’s a real git. And
there, Captain Nemo, he’s playing with a little toy sub in the punch bowl,
what a sod! Oh, yes, there, Doctor Jekyll, as if he haven’t all seen the
‘now I’m Jekyll, now I’m Hyde, trick.Bugger. Oi, look there! Willy just
double dipped a candy cane into the chocolate fondue fountain. He’s such a
Wonka!

Norval Joe

He had heard of double dipped chocolates, Sienfields’ double dipper faux pas, and
even a double dipper recession. He had never imagined double dipped hosiery.
Dilbert Doublet, a particle engineer, hadn’t worn a matched pair of socks in forty
years.
Dilbert took long, hollow, nano fibers and immersed them, twice, in a polarized
ionic solution. When woven into the fabric of cloth the fibers could be given ionic
signatures.
Dilbert Doublets Double Dipped nano socks, activated by heat from the dryer, will
magnetically find their mates to come out as a matched pair.
Coming soon to a store near you.

Planet Z

Poisoning apples for Halloween is a lost art.
Not only do you dip them in the poison twice, but you need to let the first coating of poison dry before applying the second.
Nobody gives out apples anymore.
It’s all pre-packaged candy these days. Cheap and simple, no fuss.
Still, every now and then, I’ll buy an apple from the grocery store, work my magic on it, and put it back.
My son wants to follow in my footsteps, but he does it with lemons and oranges
That just poisons the outer peel.
Oh well. Maybe one day he’ll learn.

Sturgiss

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We followed Sturgiss the Necromancer, that demon graverobber criminal!
His destination? The accursed Voltmaster.
His watchtower rises from a clearing in Gloomwood.
We goblins know to give this abomination of stone a wide berth.
On the roof, Sturgiss arranges steel rods.
Clouds, ready for harvest.
I shout to the sky: “We demand the return of Lord Grondol’s body!”
Sturgiss screams his response: “You may fight the jackals for Grondol’s unused remains.”
Inside, Voltmaster throws a switch. The tower explodes with light and power.
“This is just trickery!” I shout, but my goblin soldiers run.
Grondol, your desecration is my dishonor.

There will be peace when the Gnomes love their children more than they hate us

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In the nursery, we keep it simple: babies coming in equals babies going out.
Come up short, and security checks the tapes before “Stolen Baby” makes the evening news.
But when we come up with extra, that’s worse.
“Damn those Gnomes,” said Nurse Riley. “They sneak their agents into nurseries to infiltrate our species.”
This giggling, squirming lump in a standard-issue diaper is no child.
Riley pointed out the beard-stubble and bright red shaving rash.
The look in her eyes: sadness and horror.
I signed the authorization. Quarantine, then furnace termination.
They don’t scream, even while burning.
Damn this war.

Skin Contract

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Awake at 4. Itching, scratching.
The rashes are unbearable.
One more week until my skin contract’s up.
The free ones are nothing compared to expensive designer skins, but with the contract, you get a discount on those.
I look in the mirror. Hideous bags under my eyes, wrinkles like canyons across my face.
And rashes.
Last time, I cheaped out. Ever since, it’s been dermatologist appointments and oceans of cosmetics.
Yak butter creams? Tungsten wire therapy?
I won’t make that mistake again.
I put on my happy-face, the porcelain doll-mask with the vacant, vapid stare, and head to the kitchen.

Belt

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I could not find my leather belt this morning.
It was not where I had left it – wrapped around my neck.
My belt is usually on yesterday’s pants, but I didn’t wear pants yesterday. So I wrapped it around my neck and went to sleep.
When I woke up, it was gone.
I only own one belt. It’s a black belt, so it goes with everything.
Maybe I will go buy another belt? I should buy two, but in all my life, I only own one belt at a time.
Because I only have one neck to wrap it around.

Sandpaper Carpet

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We ripped up the carpet and put down sandpaper.
It’s easy to vacuum now. And I get great traction.
It’s a weird feeling to walk across it with my bare feet. It’s kind of like walking on the beach.
The worst part is when I spill something on it. What a mess.
The cat hates it. She leaps across the seats and tables, runs across the sofa and uses the bookshelves to get to the tile floor in the kitchen.
Anything to avoid the sandpaper.
If the cat could climb across the ceiling with her claws, she would.
Silly cat.

Perfect Potatoes

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The potatoes are perfect?
Good. I’m glad you like them.
You know, I always kept things in the oven just a little too long.
So, I had the temperature turned down just little on the oven.
Things turn out just right now.
I could have just set the timer a little quicker, but I’m such a stickler for time.
Fifteen minutes is fifteen minutes. You can measure it with a clock or by counting.
But temperature? Can you really tell the difference between three hundred and fifty degrees and three hundred and forty degrees?
Thought so.
So, want more potatoes?

Weekly Challenge #141 – Thumpin

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Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Forty-One where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was… was…. um…
It’s a combination of: Thumpin
The excellent theme music is by Guy David
VOTING

Which were the best stories in Weekly Challenge #141?
Anima from http://zabbadabba.com/
Justin from http://www.thebeandom.com/spaceturtle
Tom from http://midi.libsyn.com/
Caleb from http://blacktiemartiniclub.com/
Snipe from http://mjpaxton.com/
Norval Joe from http://www.norvalsoutlook.blogspot.com/
Ashley
Jeffrey from http://GreatHites.blogspot.com
Guy David from http://guydavid.com/
Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Go ahead and listen to them and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):


Anima

Hey man, can joo help me? I need a thumpin…
A thumping? Are you sure?
Si! A thumpin! I wanna… Ai ai ai! What was dat for? Why joo hit me?
You said you wanted a thumping. I grew up with 3 older brothers, so I’m always glad to administer a well placed thump, ‘sides, you practically begged me for it.
Joo is crazy. I need a THUM-PIN! Joo know, de pointy ting to stick up notícias! So I can sell a guitarra.
Ah! What you want is a thumbtack Sorry José. Just take one from these flyers over here.

Justin

Above and below the neighbors were loud. A rumbling bass below, heavy thumps above. I bought the seeds from an old crone at the Saturday market. I planted one in two different pots. I put skin flakes in the soil. Drops of blood went in the water. When the plants were a foot tall, I pushed some discarded human teeth wrapped in human hair to the roots and watered the plant with pure blood. I gave one to each of the noisy neighbors. The plants flourished overnight. In the morning, I heard some short screams, then nothing. Finally, some quiet.

Tom

At the Northwest pillar of the Eiffel Tower is the only public toilet within a quarter mile radius. While waiting for my traveling companion a woman dress in vaguely arab attire approved me asking in halted English if I was an American. She opens a fold piece of paper I note the phrase “no money is six month” and “child with Leukemia”. I open my wallet all I got are 50s and 5s. As I hand her one moving at me from my far right a second women open a fold piece of paper will even sadder tale. I reach in pull out a second five and tell her she better not have a third sister.

Caleb

Another night and Bambi couldn’t sleep because Thumper was thumpin’ again. Bambi understood that Thumper was a rabbit but they were still in their Freshman year of college and Thumper already had 72 kids. How could Bambi ever take any doe back to their dorm with all those kids running around and thumper thumping all the time like that? Eventually he snapped. The lack of sleep, the pressure, the unresolved mother issues all collapsed onto him at once so he took a rifle up to the bell tower Nobody could understand it, Bambi had always been such a dear.

Snipe

The Hamper kids had always been inseparable. So when Bumpin had the bright idea to knock over the local bank, he knew Bouncin, Thumpin and Grindin would be along for the ride. Everything went smoothly until the getaway, when it all went wrong. Thumpin jumped on the bumper of the accelerating car. An eager deputy got off an unlucky shot, and Thumpin went down. The car screeched to a halt. His brothers walked back, and stood by while the paramedics worked. Then the three went to a shared cell, and Thumpin was alone for the first time in his life.

Norval Joe

Wolf-guards sat on each side of the stockade door, squatting like gargoyles. Large wolves heads rested on the knees of the oversized humanoid bodies where they crouched.
Through the darkness lambada, the half-orc, crept, step by step, slowly, between the guards. Their eyes shut, nostrils flaring, searching for the scent of humans.
With the strength of an orc and the agility of a human he silently picked the lock and eased the door open.
Through the gloom, he found the form of the outlaw leader. It was a woman’s form.
Lambada lisped under his breath, “Me think thumpin not right.”

Ashley

Sylvester had always been the laughing stock of Fairhaven. Someone would tell him a story and his reply would always be, “Ain’t that thumpin,” which brought great laughter from the locals. Sylvester took it with a smile.
One day, a ticket bought locally hit the Powerball jackpot. Sylvester dropped out of sight shortly thereafter.
Due to the economy and mismanagement of funds, the town went belly-up. Fairhaven was later purchased by a mysterious financier at bankruptcy court.
One week later, all the residents were evicted and the town razed. “Now ain’t that really thumpin,” said Sylvester with a huge smile.

Jeffrey

“Thumpin.”
“That’s not my name.”
“Whatever, just get over here.”
“My name is not Thumpin.”
“I heard you. Just get over here, and bring that stool.”
“Not until you get my name right. I’m the proud son of great dwarf the people we’ve been here for thousands of years.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard it before. But right now I’m the queen and well you are not. So get over here Thumbkin son of Thorkin servant of my older brother, and bring that stool so I can rest my feet.”

Guy David

It was a party like no other. You had to wear a black tie and drink your martini, but the rest of your clothes… those you would often take off during an evening of a-humpin’ and a-thumpin’. The party would then turn into a mess of arms and legs, intertwined in an imbroglio of ecstatic people. No one would notice as the floor would slowly rise and the beast that dwells in the ceiling would swallow the whole mess, then spit everyone out again, laughing. That’s when the party at The Black Tie Martini Club would really begin.

Planet Z

Satchmo died on a Monday, we bury him on Sunday.
No preacher for the service, no band.
Just Coffin Jack Thumper.
He starts with a few taps, a few slaps.
Bang! Bam! Slam!
The lid flies open.
Bam bam bam!
He’s pounding the wood so hard, the body’s shaking… Leaping up… Dancing to the
beat.
The floor shakes. The rafters sway.
Thumper’s got Satchmo dancin one last time.
Hallelujah!