Hurricane Damage

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The hurricane is coming soon, so I bought some plywood and nails.
I boarded my windows and cut down loose tree branches.
My neighbor had left without boarding up his place, so I used my leftover wood to do that for him.
I also cut down the loose branches from his tree.
When the storm was over, I went outside and saw there had been no damage whatsoever to his place and mine.
The next day, he took one look at the place and punched me in the nose.
“How am I gonna collect on the insurance now?” he yelled.

Dead Players

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My fantasy football team consists entirely of players who are dead.
I’m not sure how I ended up with these stiffs, but once the draft was over, I looked at my roster and it read like the obituary pages.
Damn.
I tried to trade for new picks, but nobody wanted dead players.
“They don’t throw interceptions,” I said. “They don’t fumble or miss tackles.”
My sales pitch didn’t work.
I close my eyes and imagine the team bus… well, it’s more of a hearse than a team bus.
Six weeks in, I’m winning.
And worried.
Will they start killing players?

Act Of God

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The governor gave the mandatory evacuation orders, but some stupid folks stayed.
Sure enough, in the middle of the storm, we got their calls, screaming to be rescued.
We wrote down the address and hung up on them. Then, we yelled at the guys who were supposed to cut the phone lines.
After the storm passed, we hopped in the jeeps and headed to the address.
They were all dead, except one guy with a broken leg.
“Thank God you’re here!” he cried.
I hit him on the head with a brick.
No questions that way. An Act Of God.

When Angels Fuck

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They look so beautiful, but you have to wonder: how do angels fuck?
If one’s on top, the other’s on bottom.
Somebody’s gonna get their wings crushed.
If one’s behind the other, they are getting wings flapping in their face.
Yeah, I’ve read through Dante’s Paradisio, and he says nothing about fucking angels.
Once, I asked an angel how they fuck, but all I got was a drink thrown in my face.
Sure, “This must be Heaven because I see an angel” is one hell of a pickup line, but nobody’s ever told me how to follow through on it.

Carnival Man

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Shiva, God of Destruction, plays pinball all day long.
Thor, lightning-bringer, pushed a cart down Seventh Avenue.
Qetzocoatl, serpent in the corn, holds a ladder for a sales associate, peeking up her skirt.
All the old gods are like this, wasting away their days in trivial pursuits or mundane labor.
As religions die, the gods live on, shining your shoes. Filling your wine glass, begging for spare change.
Dagon is a home hospice worker, caring for his last believer.
One too many pills, and he is finally free.
There’s a carnival he’s always wanted to join.
He packs a bag, turns out the lights, and walks out the door, whistling.

Satchmo

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Satchmo! Satchmo!
Dressed to the nines!
The nines, I say!
You? You nowhere near them nines, boy!
Threes. Fours. Maybe fives if you shine up them shoes.
Me, I be the sevens. Gonna take me all day, but I wanna be the eights one day.
But the nines?
Hell no. Satchmo the nines and I ain’t Satchmo.
Once, I done seen Satchmo, and he was the tens.
No shit! Tens.
Blowin his horn, catchin the light.
Tens.
I asked Satchmo, but he just laughed.
When you dressed to the nines, everything is nines.
Blow that horn! Blow that horn, Satchmo!

Turned

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Willy turned after the sun went down.
We staked him the moment he opened his eyes.
They were brown. After he turned, they became bright blue.
See for yourself.
It’s not easy to stake friends. I guess that’s why he was so easy to stake.
He was a pathetic whiny bitch.
Nobody on the team liked him.
Hell, I don’t remember why we let him join.
I guess he just tagged along while we were busy
Dixon says he might have given Willy a dud dose of the serum so he’d turn.
Good. More serum for the rest of us.

Monsters

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It’s a proven fact that just the right combination of dirty clothes, candy wrappers, and comic books will breed monsters.
But only under special conditions, such as labs in Eastern Europe, or… underneath children’s beds.
What kind of monsters?
Big, nasty ones.
Once that eat bad children.
Not all at once, of course.
Some like to snack while reading comic books.
I know I did.
Hey, Kid! Is that Action Man Issue One?
Wow. I haven’t seen that in ages!
If you’re quiet, I’ll make it quick.
If you’re not, I’ll do to you what I did to the babysitter.

Weekly Challenge #125 – Hurricane

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Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Twenty-Five, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was selected by Planet Z, and we went with Hurricane.
The excellent theme music is by Guy David
VOTING

Which were the best stories from Weekly Challenge #125?
Fricker Fracker from http://www.thefrickerfrequency.com
Wilma
Mortician
Steven from http://ideatrash.blogspot.com
Jeffrey from Http://greathites.blogspot.com
Brad Z from http://mutecow.net
Guy David from http://guydavid.com
Justin from http://www.thebeandom.com/spaceturtle
Mike
Tom from http://midi.libsyn.com
Anima from http://www.zabbadabba.com
Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Go ahead and listen to them and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):


FRICKER FRACKER

Sand everywhere! What the… How’d I get on the beach?
What the hell is that! A TATTOO! Where’d that come from!
And who the heck is Juanita. I don’t even know a Juanita.
Last thing I remember I was sitting at the bar with my friends.
We ordered a round of shots. Well, a few rounds really.
And I washed them down with this local Island drink called “Los Huracán
Tormenta”.
Maybe that wasn’t such a good Idea…
Well at least I’m not naked and there is no Juanita around.
Time to catch my plane.
Excuse me sir, donde está el aeropuerto?
Fricker it’s me, Juanita!

WILMA

They pulled the white sheet taut across the window blocking her view. “Children, what are you doing?”
“Just playing a game.” Grandma chuckled and returned to mashing the potatoes.
Cyrus whispered, “Are you sure you said the words in the right rhythm?”
“Yes, ‘quick, quick, slow’ just like it said,” Ophelia assured him. Earlier that morning the children found a book titled Powerfully Protective Spells. One spell caught their eye: “Stopping Savage Storms.” As Ophelia nailed the sheet in place Cyrus hissed, “Here he comes.” Stumbling up the path with dragon red eyes was grandpa looking mean as a hurricane.

MORTICIAN

I’ve known I was magic for quite a long time now, I probably first noticed it when I was in grade school. I drew a normal picture of a clear sunny day and my mom posted it to the fridge. She left it up there for two whole months; in those two months our state had the worst drought it has ever seen. When my picture was thrown away the clouds began to gather and rain filled the sky once again.
Now my girlfriend is on a “business trip” with Steven in the gulf, yea, right. I think it’s time I start drawing again.

STEVEN

My roommate said he moved to Florida from Hurricane, West Virginia, though he
pronounced it Hurr-eh-cun and threatened to fight me over it.
“It’s where the hurricane names come from,” he told me. “One at a time, we
get sick. It’s alphabetical, but skips around. One year boys, the next
girls. As we get sicker, the storm gets worse.”
“But you live here now,” I said.
He shook his head. “The sickness follows us. It’s where you’re born that
counts.”
He went to bed early that night. The next day he had a fever, and clouds
massed on the horizon.

JEFFREY HITE

Today on NPR:
We have all heard of those new vacuum cleaners that claim to have the power of a tornado inside them. We all know that it is a simply and illusion, of spinning dust.
However, today in western Louisiana we found a man who has been trying for the last few years to build a better vacuum. Mr. Johnson has been trying to coax hurricanes into his shop so that he could capture their powerful forces and put it a vacuum cleaner. There has been some local outcry, so we got him on the phone.
“Mr. Johnson… Hello?”
My apologies to Steve Inskeep!

BRAD Z

Well see if you put you right hand here and your left hand there and push that there button then the grinding starts. You gotta get it all ground up for it to work. Ok now hit that other button. That gets the mixer going. Sure is a big one isn’t, and fast even. Fred says it gets up to around 70, thats about as fast as some of those hurricane winds that are popping up everywhere recently. The ingredients and everything comes next, then it’s pressed together. It cooks for a bit and after that, viola , Olive Loaf.

GUY

Bob and Harriet started out like a hurricane, but that was so long ago. Now they hardly spoke to each other. Bob silently hated her. He especially hated the fact she was making more then him, selling antiques at eBay, and her obsession with those darn podcasts. Her “Remnant of the Past” podcast about antiques was taking too much of her time. He hated those podcasts, but when she told him she was going to DragonCon, and she talked enthusiastically about Sigler, Hutchings and that Chirapa guy, he knew he would have to go and keep an eye on her.

JUSTIN

I spin and spin and spin. My arms crash through ocean and sea. Sometime they rage over the lands. I can never see where I am going, only where I have been. I would love to see cities and towns, full of people and their homes they have built. But I never see that. I can only see where I have been, the places where I have wrought pain. I only see landscapes ravaged by rain and wind, homes destroyed. It makes me sad to see the damage I’ve done. I don’t mind the trailer parks though, those are fun!

MIKE

You could tell he’d overstayed his welcome and that he’d been most inconsiderate of his Cuban hosts. Water dripped from every wall and streamed unhindered through doorways to nowhere; billboard invitations to drink Havana Club littered the landscape like giant postcards.
The hurricane’s signature moment, though, was created when a large tent broke loose in the wind and was draped over a nearby wall. The top hung well over the wall, flanked on each side by three smaller folds. A tourist’s snapshot of the rising sun directly behind the center flap formed an eerily familiar image. Yep – Gustav was here.

TOM

The rep for C&H crossed the field towards the deepest rows of sugar plants. They were amazing. Higher yield then anything on the Alexander & Baldwin lands. The man inquired who the land belonged to. This led to a cacophony of differing options in a number of Hawaiian dialects. In the end the best he got were fingers pointing to a distant house. Arriving at the lanai the C&H man met an elderly couple. “Are those your sugar plants?” he asked the husband. The old Hawaiian shook his head at the haole and said “No dem r her a cane.”

ANIMA

Get out, you piece of shit.
Out the door flew the flannel shirts and Levis, the greasy ball caps and cowboy boots
The Skynard cd’s, the Marlboro jean jacket.
I never want to see your skinny white ass here again
And I’m calling a lawyer.
Hope you’re happy with that bowling alley bimbo and her double D’s. You two deserve each other.
Guess I better find a new place to live…
And after I put so much work into our double wide.
How’s a hurricane and a redneck divorce similar?
Any way you look at it, someone’s losing a trailer.

PLANET Z

For the person who has everything, why not get them the fury of nature’s wicked wrath?
That’s right. Buy ’em a hurricane
You think they pull those names out a hat? Hell no.
Them radars and satellites and forecaster geeks cost money. Money I’ve got to burn.
Listen… listen to that crap… this Kanye West say that Bush hates black people.
I dunno about Bush, but my daughter Katrina hates em somethin fierce.
Watch the television, darlin. Look at ’em run around.
Happy birthday.
Money can’t buy you love? What a crock of shit.
This is priceless.

Fry

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My old computer was slow. Painfully slow.
So, I tried to build my own computer. I’ve done it before. If you know what you’re doing, it’s not hard.
It’s hard when you’re sold malfunctioning components. It’s also hard when they want to make you wait a week to confirm they’re malfunctioning, then charge you for the labor to install faulty replacements.
Want to return software? Sorry. No can do. Against their policy.
So, I returned it all, told the credit card company to stiff them on the labor and software, and bought this nice laptop.
From somewhere else, of course.