Faxcakes

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Every so often, we get someone who needs to send a fax.
I got careless with the office supplies and ran out of fax machine paper.
No, it doesn’t use the cut-sheet paper. It needs the old thermal rolls.
So I ended up loading the machine with pancakes.
That’s right. Rolled-up pancakes.
I didn’t expect to get a fax all day, and the office supply store was going to deliver another roll tomorrow, but I heard the phone ring and that telltale fax sound.
It printed, and I picked up the pancake.
They faxed a photo of butter and syrup.

Let’s all thank Finland

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The meeting went long, so I asked who was responsible for that.
“Finland,” said Joe. “The meeting went long because of Finland.”
“Fine,” I said. “Let’s thank Finland.”
We tried to open the windows so we could shout THANK YOU FINLAND at the same time, but like all office buildings, the windows were sealed shut.
It took just three hits with a heavy chair to shatter the glass.
“THANK YOU FINLAND!” we all shouted at once.
Except for Joe. He was laughing.
“You’re all morons,” he said. “Finland can’t hear you. Those windows face South. Finland is to the East.”

So hard to believe

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It’s hard to believe that Macy is gone.
Nobody in the room can believe it. Not even Sarah, who still believes in the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus.
“Someone needs to believe this,” I say, and I dial 1-800-BEL-IEVE.
It rings twice, and then: “What don’t you believe?”
“Macy is gone,” I say.
“MACY IS GONE????” shrieks the voice. “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”
The shrieking subsides after a minute, and I hold out a cell phone emitting sobs and whimpers.
“Now do you believe that Macy is gone?” I asked the group.
“No,” said Sarah. “In fact, that voice… it sounds like Macy.”

The Garage

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Hewlett-Packard was founded in a garage. So was Apple.
Famous Amos started in his kitchen.
Me, I start businesses all over this house.
The bank began in the bathroom, consulting firms in the crawl space, and my shed led to the creation of a quarter of the Fortune 500.
If you look in the dishwasher, you’ll see some venture capitalists checking the industry broadsheets, looking for good investments.
It’s getting harder to find good talent, so I’m founding a business school in my pants.
Care to check out my generous endowment?
Um… try again, stupid. It’s in my back pocket.

The Apples

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As I walk along the path to the castle, the trees bend down and offer me some apples.
“They are juicy and ripe,” say the trees. “We’d hate for them to go to waste.”
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I’m allergic to apples.”
Insulted, the trees turn their backs to the path.
“I could juggle them if you’d like,” I say.
The trees are shocked. “How would you like it if we asked if we could juggle your babies?” they ask.
“But you offered to let me eat them,” I said.
“That’s different,” they say, and I walk in uncomfortable silence.

Weekly Challenge #165 – Cyborgs combined with… ?

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Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Sixty-Five, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was… was…. um…
It’s Cyborgs combined with… ?.
The excellent theme music is by Guy David
VOTING

Which were the best stories this week?
Norval Joe from http://norvalsoutlook.blogspot.com/
Laurie from http://www.myspace.com/sufferingraven
Guy David from http://guydavid.com/
Anima from http://zabbadabba.com/
Lynda from http://sisterpepperspray.blogspot.com/
Danny from http://dannymachal.com/
Justin from http://www.thespaceturtle.com/
Ishtar from http://ishtarskiss.blogspot.com/
Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Go ahead and listen to them and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):


Norval Joe

One important point that they missed when they started combining cyborgs with ordinary appliances was their underlying sub routine to dominate less intelligent creatures.
The central processing units were added to household appliances, vehicles and industrial machinery.
While the humans remained smarter, it wasn’t a problem, but with the increased leisure time and decreased intellectual stimulation, it didn’t take long for the humans to get soft.
Soon vacuum cleaners, lawn mowers and mini vans prepared to clam their rightful place.
The revolution began when the president of the united states was sitting on the toilet and commanded it to flush.

Laurie

Hiking in a small southern town at nightfall, my friend Jannine and I came across a huge metal fence with all sorts of warning signs and No trespassing banners.
She immediately found her cable cutters and we entered.
As far as the eyes can see are various size tents. We enter the first tent. We see a cage with a small animal but hanging from the cage was a monstrous lock. I broke a long stick of the nearest tree and began poking at the animal. A flap of skin pulled off the ear and down to its cute bunny tale, exposing nothing but wires and metal just then I heard a strange mechanical sound coming from the tents dark corner.

Guy David

The tin man was arguing with the scarecrow, when they heard a strange sound. “It’s the sound of a large animal” said the lion, looking scared. “It doesn’t sound like any animal I know of, but then… what do I know?” said the scarecrow. “Look at that cloud of dust, coming right up the yellow brick road” said the tin man. The cloud came closer and a bus came out of it. Since the tin man was standing in the middle of the road, he got embedded in the bus becoming both part of it and one of it’s passengers.

Anima

YOU’VE JUST WON!
Steve clicked and clicked again. He wanted that free laptop. Three hundred surveys was typical: questionnaires on diapers, on-line movie rentals, and if he was overpaying on pet meds; there were five dozen queries on changing his career, and ten offers for “male enhancement”, but only one invitation to design a robotic avatar. “That sounds cool…”
One more click. Suddenly, heavy-duty cables sprung from Steve’s CPU, attaching themselves firmly to his spinal column. Two jigabytes of cyberjuice flowed from the Borg Collective directly into his nervous system. His quads melted away, revealing titanium supports and hydraulic lines.
Free laptop anyone?

Lynda

Yes, I was drunk when I volunteered for this trip back in time, but come on, the target is part cyborg…part teddy bear?
The designer told me the thing started to kill people after it was exposed to a rancid quart of bear lube. He was too chicken to come back here and face his creation, this tiny little toy.
It spoke. “Hi, there! Can you and I be friends?”
Perky fables and sickly sweet songs echoed through the steel refinery as I smiled down at the molten metal. I extended one finger to the bear as I sank.

Danny

I created the humans and gave them fire.
Promptly after a short time, they destroyed me and created machines.
The cycle of creation continued and the machines destroyed them.
Now we both sit here on the sidelines; watching a civilization completely driven by efficiency and logic.
The machines are taking bits of everything from both of us and creating the beginning of their own demise.
A.I. that has the ability to choose and feel, is permeating their population.
I was amazed at human creation of the computer. The humans seem quite alarmed at the new cyborg pirates all wearing crucifixes.

Justin

I remember when the cyborg troops of Fazfud stormed across the Earth. Much of humanity bloated up and died from heart attacks as the cyborg hamburgers and Fry Fighters let loose their cholesterol rays and trans-fat bombs. My farm barely survived.
My brother and I led the final resistance that saved the world. We had already been working on genetically modified vegetables when the attacks began. A simple modification of the research goals turned a project to reduce world hunger into a weaponization of a garden variety.
The Fazfudians could not withstand our BOB Tomato bombs and LAR-E Cucumber Missiles.

Ishtar

Hmmmmmmmm. A moan escapes my lips as electronic fingertips
caress the flesh. Our cybernetic implants connect.
Just a few years ago, who would even think about cybernetics
and sex. Our minds connect. Computer code flashes before my
eyes, then, Oh I can feel it. Through his body, I can feel him
holding me. Ummmmm.
Oh the fun well have. He can hear my thoughts. He closes his eyes.
A taste of lips, the feel of muscle and flesh. Basic body chemical reactions
intensified a thousand fold.
Electrical impulses, Ecstacy, Primal animal instinct, who knew lust and
cybernetics could do this.

Planet Z

My daughter is dying.
Slow-growing tumors, spreading throughout her body.
The doctors remove them, but not fast enough.
I cannot lose her.
I design robots. My daughter loves to play with them.
Now, I have replaced so much of her lost to disease, she practically is one.
No tears to cry. A smile always on her face.
She still thinks. And fears.
Another surgery needed, another replacement.
I hold her, trying to comfort her.
She cannot feel. Just sitting there, looking out the window.
She says “This is a recording. I died three days ago. I love you, Daddy.”

The Barber

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Back when I was a younger man, I liked to play jokes.
I get bored easily. When I get bored, I joke.
I went into the barber shop every day of the week for a haircut.
As I came back each day, the barber became more and more confused.
“Weren’t you just here yesterday?” he asked.
“It only feels that way,” I said. “Should I come in more often?”
On Friday, I didn’t give him a tip.
“You left it too long!” I shouted and stormed out of the shop.
The barber scalped me so I’d never do it again.

Burn the trees

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We need more farmland, so we must clear more trees.
The warriors tried to burn the trees down, but once we lit them on fire, they continued burning for weeks.
The fire rages in their branches without consuming them.
Instead of clearing the forest of all trees, we cleared the forest of all the inhabitants.
The flames scared away all the creatures with any sense to fear fire, and those that didn’t, they burned.
We watched the forest burn from our huts on the hills, and knowing that the planting season would pass us by, we prepared our fishing nets.

The Magical Shoes

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The shoes! Magical talking shoes!
We agree they’re worth a share of treasure.
“We are worth two!” cry the shoes.
“Hold your tongues!” I say. “You don’t have a say in this matter.”
As each member of our group examined them, they squeaked.
“Dwarf feet stink! Worse than the goblin you rescued me from!”
“Warriors jump too much!”
“Priests are boring!”
And our mage didn’t like them.
“They lack curly points,” he said.
“We’ll sell them?” said the dwarf.
We agreed.
“No!” protested the shoes.
Heading out of the dungeon, we were ambushed by goblins.
The shoes screamed. “Not again!”

The Chicken Channel

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The cable is out.
Ever since the conversion to digital signals, the cable has been rock-solid. And…
It’s back? That was pretty quick.
Usually, it takes hours. That was just a few seconds.
For a moment, I swear I saw…
A chicken?
We have a digital recorder, so I rewind the tape… Hah, all these anachronistic terms.
Anyway, I go back and…
A chicken. Staring out from the screen.
It is a powerful, bold chicken. It is a majestic, God-like chicken. I am ready to do as it commands.
And I am filled with the overwhelming urge to eat… BEEF!