Molly’s Bunnies

641199

Molly heard somewhere that if you play music for your plants, they’ll grow faster and larger.
So, Molly left the radio in the garden and played classical music on it.
After a few weeks, the blooms on the flowers were bigger and prettier.
However, so were the rabbits.
Molly tried to barricade the door, but she was no match for the massive bunnies as they heaved the battering ram through it.
This is where I’d like to tell you this odd tale had a happy ending.
So, I will.
(But truth be told, all we found was Molly’s bloody shoe.)

Weekly Challenge #50 – Lithium

10336659

Welcome to the fiftieth Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was selected by Caleb Bullen of the Black Tie Martini Club Oddcast, and it’s Lithium.
Nine stories were submitted this week.
No rookies are in the mix… boo!
The excellent theme music is by Guy David
And, once again, some disturbing madness from Planet Z.
Go ahead and listen to them by clicking on the grammophone thingy there in the left column and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):

Who had the best story for Weekly Challenge #50?
Manata from Squirrel Bait
Tom from Footnote Podcast
Caleb from Black Tie Martini Club
Elisson from blog d’Elisson
Laieanna from HodgePodge Point
Sister Mary Edith
Patti from Smitty Gal
To4m from Stuffcast
Tabitha from Fantabzulous and Strangely Literal
Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com


WE GOTS PRIZES:
I will be sending the winner a prize… it’s a packet containing at least 1 refrigerator magnet and a CD with the archive of the entire 100 word stories podcast. (Well, minus promos and junk)
It is your voting that determines who wins. So listen, vote, and tune in next week to find out who won!


The full text of each story:
MANATA

Hi, I’m Benjamin and I’m an addict.
I guess I came to the meeting today because I’m ready to try to kick the habit.
For my entire life, other people have made jokes at my expense. I guess I really can’t blame them. I mean, I *do* make a pretty easy target for humiliation.
You see, my mother was an /Ursus maritimus/ (that means “polar bear”), and my father was an Eskimo, so of course I’m biPOLAR.
And I’m also a bit confused about my sexuality…so I’m BIpolar.
Anyway, that’s how I came to be addicted to lithium, because I’m…well…bipolar.

TOM

“Caleb hand me that bottle of Diaka vodka,” said Tom
He poured out exactly two jiggers.
“The Sol Azul …. Laurence … please.”
Three jiggers swirled into the mixture.
Elisson tossed the G’Vine before
Tom could mouthed the words.
“Now for the pièce de resistance,” chortled Mr. Marquette.
Laieanna rolled a gas cylinder next to the bar.
Caleb, Laurence, and Elisson stared incredulsly.
“Dentist Office.” They all smiled.
Tom filled the cocktails with tiny bubbles of nitrous oxide.
After the third shot Caleb called from under the couch.
“What Frac you call this stuff?”
Dimly aware of the voice Tom mumbled.
Lithium.

CALEB

We’ve already lost eight engineers and I’m going in next.
The recyclarobot was supposed to harvest junk like batteries and industrial lubricants for lithium to be oxidized and used in the pharmaceutical industry. It stopped working last Friday even though it’s still taking in junk.
We think it’s filling the air with so much lithium oxide that your brain gets starved for serotonin and oxygen simultaneously and you hallucinate wildly until death. It only takes a few minutes but all eight, died smiling and wide-eyed.
I’m going in with a SCUBA tank now.
ACHOO…
My God! It’s full of stars.

ELISSON

Beads of sweat began to trickle down Ibrahim’s brow. This bothered him. He did not want to appear nervous, but it was stifling in the small room.
His next card skidded across the table. Four of spades, not much help there. He was in too deep to back out now, having jumped into the betting with his pair of pocket aces. Maybe they would be enough…
No, they weren’t. Fuad raised, confident as always. Ibrahim folded: no choice.
He was down to a grimy pair of boxer shorts and an explosive belt. Gaza Strip Poker was not for the faint-hearted.

LAIEANNA

I’m a freak of nature…mankind might be a better term. Super Sensitive
is just a lame way to categorize me, but I’m beyond that. Our modern
world is sensory overload for me. Anytime I come close to common
materials, the smells and sensations are overwhelming. Yay for all
day nausea! Worst part of my…condition is that most items cause a
highly allergic reaction. Lithium is almost deadly and goddamn if it
isn’t in all kinds of stuff. So here I am stuck in the woods, left by
my parents years ago like an unwanted cat. God, I’m lonely.

SISTER MARY EDITH

As a middle school Psychiatrist, I’m as much for teachers as for students.
“Ah, Ms. Silbernagel. What’s up?”
Her hands shook as she lit her cigarette. Mascara streaked her face. A colossal spitball matted her hair into a nasty snarl. She blew out smoke in a shuddering breath. “I’ve taught her for twenty years. But 8th graders now?/ I cant take it anymore!”
“Now Ms. Silbernagel, you hang in there!” I pulled out my prescription pad.
A month later I visited her classroom.
“Say hello, students!”
Dreamily they murmured, “Hello Dr. Greer.”
“Thanks again; it was just what they needed!”

PATTI

At first, Humphry hid the pills under his tongue. Then, he tried stowing them between cheek and gums. But they always knew.
So after chasing the lithium with a sip of water, they began making him hook his fingers on either side of his mouth, pull wide, and move his tongue in a slow full circle. Humphry actually enjoyed doing this when the pretty young nurses were working the meds shift. The nurses did not enjoy this and began complaining.
So Rocky, the hairy male nurse, took over administering Humphry’s meds. Since then, Humphry’s moods had become surprisingly more stable.

to4m

Bill So have you heard the new Nirvana Song?
Ted Yeah. Lithium? Yeah Kurt Cobain can’t sing it sounds like he’s
on lithium.
Bill Yeah we had a lithium at my brother’s birthday party last
month. It was hilarious. You should have heard Big Ed with
that munchkin voice! And Dave passed out and hit his head on the tank
and
Ted You dork. That’s helium. Lithium slows you down
Bill No.
Ted cobain probably was on lithium it’s for treating people who’re bipolar
Bill so he has two poles? Why would you take medicine for that?
Ted um Yeah

TABITHA

The scientific community announced this week the successful use of sugar in batteries to replace lithium. No big surprise to us. Army’s been using them for years.
First time we went out on a secret mission we only had a small window of time to complete it. We were going to assassinate Saddam Hussein. We had all our equipment, stealth suits that operated on batteries, laptops, even our weapons needed those darn sugar batteries. So imagine my horror when I heard Private Johnston chewing.
“Ah hell,” I said. “Forget it. We’ll just start a war.”
Johnston stopped chewing.
Next Topic: Your mom!

PLANET Z

Bobby loved going to the science museum.
He’d walk through the exhibit halls, eyes wide as saucers.
The Hall Of Chemistry was his favorite. A gigantic Periodic Table was up on the wall, and there were samples of every element next to their symbol.
One day, he tried to climb that wall to steal a sample.
The museum was used that that kind of thing, kids wanting to steal Gold and Platinum, or Arabs grabbing for Uranium and Plutonium.
What shocked the guards was that Bobby was climbing up the left side for Lithium.
“Weird kid,” they said, and watched.


Thanks to everyone for sending in their stories, and I look forward to what you’ve got to write (and say) next week.
The theme for next week’s Weekly Challenge will be posted shortly.

Sulfur Neutral

766433

Grampa drove a really big Cadillac that got lousy gas mileage.
He’d owned it for as long as I could remember, and the cloud of smoke following us grew larger year after year.
“Why don’t you drive something friendlier to the environment?” I asked him.
“What?” he replied. “What is this environmental friendly crap?”
“Don’t you want to conserve energy and save the planet?” I said. “Or do you buy Carbon Neutral Offsets?”
Grampa thought for a moment. “No, I buy… um… Sulfur Neutrals.”
“Sulfur Neutrals?” I asked. “What are those?”
“Pull my finger,” said Grampa. “And you’ll find out.”

If I Only Had a Lawyer

584001

Jane and I grabbed the wet Brooks Brothers suit and excused ourselves from the conference room.
“What do we do now?” Jane said. “We need a lawyer!”
I look around, and I noticed a hay bale in the lobby.
“Why is that there?” asks Jane.
“Who cares?” I said. “Let’s try it!”
We fill the suit with straw, chant the spells, and the Scarelawyer leaps to his feet.
“I shall represent you to the best of my ability!” he says, and we head back in.
Two hours later, we strike a deal.
That’s the last time we build a Snowlaywer.

E Is For

648719

“E is for Elephant” mutters Robot over and over, holding his glass-and-silicon head in his metal-and-rubber hands.
Lisa was trying to teach Robot the alphabet again, but for some reason, Robot obsesses on Elephants.
“Why do you like elephants so much?” we asked Robot.
“Because E is for Elephant,” announces Robot, and he’s back in the loop, muttering.
Frank gave Robot a stuffed elephant yesterday, and Robot tore it to bits.
Lisa thinks Robot is broken, but I think Frank’s behind this loop.
He looks at the shredded elephant and worries.
Because, as we all know, F is for Frank.

Career Move

699504

I put my thumb on the scanner and hold it there for two minutes.
*BING*
“You are a Pirate,” said the Career-o-matic kiosk. “Congratulations.”
Earlier today, this thing told me I was a Surgeon.
“Please return items from previous Career,” said the machine.
I stuffed the bloody surgical scrubs and malpractice lawsuit documents into the disposal slot.
Whirring. A slight warm breeze.
“Please remove new Career items,” said the machine.
Reaching into the slot, I pulled out an eyepatch, cutlass, and a parrot.
“What’s the eyepatch for?” I asked.
The parrot flapped his wings and hit me in the eye.

Waiter, Waiter

714396

Like many menus, this menu has a key for spiciness.
More peppers, spicier dish.
It ranges from one to five peppers, but there’s no five-pepper dishes listed.
I ask the waiter, and he turns the menu to the last page.
It’s been torn out.
“Too dangerous,” he mutters. “Chef removed.”
“We’ll see about that,” I said. “Bring me something from that list.”
The kitchen fills with shouting, pots and pans thrown around.
Ten minutes later, the waiter comes out in Hazmat gear, holding a steaming plate of bubbling orange goop.
I ask him what wine goes with it.
He faints.

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 80

747949

Abraham Lincoln dragged himself to the bathroom and contemplated the shabby, reed-thin figure that stared back at him.
His knees buckled, and he leaned on a chair to remain standing.
I must say I do not think myself fit for the Presidency,” he muttered.
“Of course you aren’t,” said Mary Todd. “But think of it this way, dear – you’re much healthier than Douglas.”
“Douglas died last year,” said Lincoln.
“Exactly,” said Mary Todd. “And when I last checked, zombies couldn’t be presidents.”
Lincoln sighed with relief. And then, he wondered aloud: “So why do I still hunger for brains?”

Weekly Challenge #49 – Spring

11754794

Welcome to the forty-ninth Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was selected by Chris from Platypus Society, and it’s Spring.
Sixteen stories were submitted this week.
Two rookies are in the mix… yay!
The excellent theme music is by Guy David
And, once again, some disturbing madness from Planet Z.
Go ahead and listen to them by clicking on the grammophone thingy there in the left column and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):

Who had the best story for the 49th Weekly Challenge?
Caleb from Black Tie Martini Club
Chris of Platypus Society
Guy David of The Sixteenth
James Q.
Tom from Footnote
Manata from Squirrel Bait
Caroline from Quadra Island
K Nine from Dead Dog Walkin
Sister Mary Edith
Laieanna from Hodge Podge Point
Elisson from blog d’Elisson
Tabitha from Strangely Literal
Terrence from Never Was
Ted from Ted’s Podcast
To4m from Stuffcast
Patti from SmittyGal
Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

WE GOTS PRIZES:
I will be sending the winner a prize… it’s a packet containing at least 1 refrigerator magnet and a CD with the archive of the entire 100 word stories podcast. (Well, minus promos and junk)
It is your voting that determines who wins. So listen, vote, and tune in next week to find out who won!


The full text of each story:
CALEB

In the middle of spring
In the middle of spring
You’re liable to see the most wonderous things
As we celebrate life
Much like husband and wife
With only one thought cutting through like a knife
For in spring you will see
And quite gloriously
How life replicates itself sexually
From the flowers on plants
To the spring high school dance
It’s like the whole world has to take off its pants
And say, “I can’t wait
Any longer to mate!”
And then once it’s done, “I’ve got to go, geez! It’s so late. I mean you were great but…”

CHRIS

On the first day of spring, Patrick loaded his video equipment into his station wagon and headed south towards the everglades. As he did every year, the trip was scheduled to begin at the peak of the mating season, but he hadn’t counted on a warm February.
For weeks, he watched the thermometer outside his office window and read reports from the university scientists about the possibility of an early season. Not exactly what he wanted to hear.
Nevertheless, he still had to try.
After all, the market for alligator porn may be small, but it pays very, very well.

GUY DAVID

Rodney got the package on Wednesday night. He popped it open immediately. The contents of his package looked brand new. It glowed slightly. He just had to use it. He couldn’t wait any longer. He opened the wrapping, slid the batteries into place and used it until smoke came out of his ass.
From that moment on he used it at least once a day, sometimes even twice. He used it again and again until one day, a spring inside it got loose. From that moment, it was as if the android was using him, instead of him, using the android.

JAMES Q

Spring was final through with Winter. His passion spent, he knew that he had a very unpleasant chore to complete.
Panting, he gazed at her still, lifeless form and pondered how to get rid of the half frozen body. Again.
“Every year I go though this!” he cried, “But no more.”
Spring pulled out his cell phone and called Summer.
“Dude…” Spring hated the way Summer always answered the phone. “I know why you’re calling.”
“Ya gotta help me!” Spring was begging and he hated that too.
Summer hung up the phone and looked over at Fall.
“Oh Baby.”

TOM

It was always the first flower.
The tiny yellow ones.
No larger than a fly’s wing.
Even those he welcomed.
The buzzing offset the
too quietness of winter.
The growth was slow, noticeable,
tiny patches of color.
This was unlike the cancer
which grew colorless before his eyes.
Unlike the spring that slowly built upon life,
IT slowly ate upon his life.
Rudy’s yearly struggle to make it to
the arrival of the first yellow flowers of spring
amazed his doctors.
He mused how infinite days
had become finite.
In Gray’s Anatomy coloring book
he filled the prostrate
with yellow.

MANATA

It’s Spring again…you know what that means.
That’s right; it’s time to move all of your clocks forward by one hour.
I think it actually happens at two in the morning, but most folks do it before they go to bed the night before.
You see, I live in Indiana and this is our first year on Daylight Savings Time.
I’m convinced it’s why everyone thinks we are all stupid farmers and bumbling idiots.
Most of us can’t even get the television to stop flashing twelve.
“Hey Ma! You seen that there instruction book for the talking picture box?”

CAROLINE

“Spring is sprung the grass is riss
I wonder where the birdies is
The bird is on the wing
But that’s absurd
The wing is on the bird”
Over and over Mary repeated as she walked home from school. At the recital the next day she couldn’t get this wrong, not with everything else, it would be just too awful.
With heart fluttering and nerves shattered she began. It did not go well. Of course the whole class laughed at her again. She was mortified.
“Recitations- and Confidence” was the name of her first book. Who had the last laugh!

K NINE

I love the spring.
The golden sun, the green buds, the new grass. It
always reminds me of my first time.
I remember it clearly… We slipped off into the woods
alone together, the smell of fresh flowers in her
hair.
I was entranced by the way her skirt rippled around
her knees like lapping waves. Her hazel eyes so big
and round. Her lovely pink lips quivering and parting
as she started to scream. The crimson flow of warm
blood from her newly slit throat. There have been
many since, but she was the best.
I love the spring.

SISTER MARY EDITH

Few people know the agony of sprouting from seed. The stirrings of spring muster great forces: tender green shoots cleave cakes of soil and battle through labyrinths of rock, trying to break the surface before it breaks them.
An elderly elm recounted its experience, still painfully vivid after over 120 years. As it strained through utter darkness, it met and slid past another sprout going exactly the opposite way. If that sprout hadn’t carved a path, the elm may have never made it to the surface. With horror and gratitude, it recalls the sprout burrowing desperately down into the dark.

LAIEANNA

A battle of wills continued between two opponents.
“I’m going to kill you,” Spat the boy.
The Jack in the box responded with a squeak of it’s spring.
“Stop mocking me!” The boy shook an angry fist.
Jack kept weaving like a drunk.
“The outrages I have suffered today will not be soon forgotten.” The
boy scuttled up to the box and pointed a finger. “Mark my words, when
you least expect it, your upends will come.” He suddenly stepped back
with a devilish smile. “Time to bad.” From midair came an axe and he
ferociously attacked. “Victory is mine!”

ELISSON

The crocuses and daffodils send up their tender shoots;
The heavy snows are melting. No more need for rubber boots;
Our diets undergo a shift toward greens, away from roots.
The Sun hangs in the western sky until it’s very late;
The birds and bees go seeking for their Reproductive Mate;
The Jews all eat their Matzoth, guaranteed to constipate.
Our allergies are active as the pollen coats the land;
Expectant tourists venture on the beach to test the sand;
While eating Meaty Off’rings from the local Hot Dog Stand.
All hail the Vernal Equinox! O, Spring has come again!

TABITHA

Spring is the season for vampires.
While most think of vampires in the gloomy days of fall the reality is they really like Spring. To a vampire, that sound of spring is the heart in love.
Angel, of course, couldn’t feed off of humans. Thanks to a gypsy curse his soul wouldn’t let him.
Didn’t mean the temptation was gone.
Today was no exception. Cordelia, his office worker, was crushing on the latest Brad Pitt wannabe. When Doyle returned he found Angel brooding more than usua and Cordelia gone. “What’s up?” Doyle asked.
Angel simply burped.

TERRENCE

Raoul looked around the room. Most of the guests had left long ago.
His options were slim so he decided to see what the old man in the
corner was doing. He would hop forward then set back and hop forward
again.
The old man jumped again as Raoul reached him, almost tripped over his
beard. “What are you trying to do?
“Everything is all mixed up. They moved the date, it’s not spring.”
The old man jumped again.
Raoul shook his head and push the man and he fell.
“Oh hell, this is just going to make things worse.”

TED

We’re live at the local diner, reporting on the first days of Spring. I see over there is a lovely yellow chick, wandering from table to table.
In the booth next to me sits a very cute couple. I believe it might just be Mr and MRS Easter Bunny! Let’s lean in closer and see if we can hear what they’re saying.
“Remember, same as before. You’re crowd control, I handle the employees.”
“I love you Pumpkin..”
“I love you Honey Bunny..”
“Everybody be cool! This is a robbery!”
“Any one of you fuckin’ pricks move and I’ll execute every one of you motherfuckers! Got that?….”

TOM

Robbie was a happy spring in his youth. The other little springs
thought he was a weenie. He never could boing like the others, As he
got older he found false fame in his faceless website. No one could
see what a chump he was across the internet. In his quest to
achieve notoriety he entered contests in what they called blogs. In
fact he was such a loser he had to get people who were his “fans” to
vote for him in order to win. The loser took the fun away from
everyone else and became a awannabe sproinger.

PATTI

On their third anniversary, Joseph gave Audra a grandfather clock that played Westminster chimes.
On their fifth anniversary, Audra gave Joseph a son.
On their ninth anniversary, Joseph gave Audra herpes.
Audra gave Joseph divorce papers.
On what would have been their fourteenth anniversary, Audra finally did what she had wanted to do for five years: she took a hammer to that clock and started swinging.
She noticed the spring half buried in the rubble. She picked it up, blew it off, and began to uncoil the delicate metal spiral until it was nothing more than a thin flat line.

PLANET Z

Yes, the legends are true. If you drink the cool, refreshing waters from the magical spring daily, you will live forever.
But what the legends don’t tell you is that you’ll have the most wretched flatulence.
We’re talking farts that can peel wallpaper.
It’s something in that spring’s life-preserving chemicals. I’ve tried learning Chemistry, but in all my years I haven’t figured it out.
Everybody always says they can handle it, but after a few years, they can’t take it any more and go back where they came from.
Fools.
I know the secret to eternal life: nose-plugs.


Thanks to everyone for sending in their stories, and I look forward to what you’ve got to write (and say) next week.
The theme for next week’s Weekly Challenge will be posted shortly.

Thou Shalt Not Kill The Messenger

632444

It’s an amazing thing, watching God bend beams of light into unusual shapes in the heavens.
Every night, I sit at the observatory and watch that corner of the cosmos fold and twist.
Of course, I can’t be certain that it’s God doing this, but if it is God, it looks like He’s writing some sort of message.
The problem is, He’s writing it in a manner that makes it impossible for us to read.
From Earth, it’s edge-on sideways.
Is He challenging humanity to explore outer space so we can read it, or…
Does He not know we’re here?