I took a girl to the fanciest restaurant in town, and we had the best wine and lobster meal we ever had.
The waiter asked us if we left any room for desert.
“Absolutely,” we both said.
He brought out the desert tray, but nothing looked appetizing at all.
“Perhaps you’d like to sample a little first?” he asked.
We did.
None of it was any good.
So instead, we went to her place and covered each other from head to toe in a shower of chocolate.
We completely forgot to get strawberries and marshmallows to dip.
Somehow, we managed.
Tag: dirty
Backwards
Dan challenged the entire company to go paperless by the end of the year.
He bought smartphones, laptops, and tablets for the staff, but they used those to play games and update their Facebook statuses.
He removed all the printers and copiers, so people would write down notes to each other.
Until he removed the pens and pencils from the building.
Employees were so resistant to change, they would take paper towels and toilet paper from the restrooms and smear them with blood and feces.
That’s when Dan quit and left. Because he was sick of working with crazy people.
Santrum
The editorial board at the New English Dictionary had debated for weeks about their newest entries, and every conflict had been resolved.
Except for one: Santrum.
One group wanted it to mean the tantrum that children throw when they want to visit Santa at the mall.
Another group wanted it to mean the fit that frightened children throw when placed on Santa’s lap.
And a third group wanted it to represent a fit that a mall Santa throws after being pissed on.
“We should be a bit more specific about that last one,” said the editor-in-chief.
(He was into watersports.)
Red and Green
One of the most unusual ways to mark the holiday season would be to feed a meal to your guests that will make them piss green and shit red.
The idea came to me after I pissed green for days after St. Patrick Day.
“I’m halfway to Christmas,” I thought.
Then I passed out, because I was drunk off my ass.
After I recovered, I had to piss again.
Red and green piss came out.
“Christmas colors!” I said. “I did it!”
My urologist says it’s prostate cancer.
And it’s spread quickly.
Now, I’ll be lucky to see next Christmas.
Holly Jolly
Most Christmas songs are stupid, but there’s one stupider than all the rest: Have A Holly Jolly Christmas.
I know what jolly means, but what the hell does holly mean?
Yes, I know it’s a plant. But in the context of the song, holly is meant to act as an adjective. Or as an adverb that modifies jolly.
When I last checked the dictionary, the only definition for holly is as a noun.
Can you have a holly jolly anything else?
Easter?
Birthday?
Blowjob?
Root canal?
No?
Then fuck you and your holly jolly Christmas.
I’m too busy celebrating Kwanzaa.
Milk and Fuck You
It’s a tradition to leave out milk and cookies for Santa, and you don’t mess with traditions.
Or so I thought.
I woke up to an angry fat man in red and white, smashing the plate of cookies against my face.
“CHEAP FUCKIN’ OREOS!” bellowed Santa.
Then he drank the milk. And spat it out. Right into my bloody, cookie crumb-covered face.
“SKIM MILK? WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS?”
I was too terrified to move.
“Tell the world I want caviar and champagne. Or I burn every motherfucking house down.”
He vanished up the chimney.
Next year, I’m doing Hanukkah.
Flying Reindeer
There’s nothing I hate more than when parents lie to their children and make them believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny, and Ben Affleck movies that don’t suck.
They’re all a lie.
North Pole? Santa?
All the crap we buy and give as gifts really comes from China.
Based on the wretched environmental conditions in China, imagine how much worse the North Pole would be.
It would be a toxic nightmare of a wasteland.
But then, it would explain the flying reindeer.
Would you want to step in any of that chemical crap?
I’d mutate and learn to fly, too.
Huevos
I thought about making up my own religion, but decided that it was easier to just corrupt an existing one.
So, I found a small town in Ecuador and, through trickery and technological sorcery, convinced the people that the Easter Bunny was real, and he demanded painted eggs as sacrifices.
Any home without decorated eggs gets a visit from the bunny, and he steals the testicles of all the men.
After a few years, I went back to the town.
All the men had painted their balls bright colors.
Next time, I hire a professional translator instead of using Google.
The Long Distance Kiss Goodbye
The first time you needed help, I helped you.
And you thanked me.
But when I needed help, where were you?
“I’m busy,” you said.
Busy.
I got through it on my own, but it hurt. A lot.
You live, you learn.
And you remember these things.
Now you’re back, all bloody and begging for help again.
No.
Don’t spit in my face and tell me it’s a long-distance kiss, baby.
I know the difference.
And you know the difference.
It takes a lot of strength to put the past behind us.
I slowly close the door, and whisper “Goodbye.”
The asshole in the past
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to when I was 20 years old and slap myself silly for being such an asshole.
Of course, back then I was such an asshole, I’d shoot anybody that threatened me. So I’d have shot anyone slapping me around.
Right. Wear a bulletproof vest?
No. I’d shoot the dude in the face. A bulletproof vest doesn’t cover the face.
Wait… shooting the dude in the face?
The dude is me.
Well, future me.
Maybe I shouldn’t do the time machine thing.
And just leave that asshole in the past.