My girlfriend is a vegetarian who won’t eat genetically-modified food.
“You get more information from a mattress tag about what goes into it than you do from a Monsanto food label,” she said.
So, the next time she came over for dinner, I cooked up my mattress.
And it was much better than any of the tofu or bean curd crap she cooked for me.
“That was delicious,” she said. “What was in that?”
I handed her the mattress tag.
Sure, it was hard fitting it in the oven, but it was harder finding a wine that went with it.
Tag: food
Kissing Booth
I know a girl so ugly, when she sits in the kissing booth, guys pay to kiss the booth.
But then, when that girl was replaced by a hot girl, the guys still kissed the booth.
That’s because the booth was made from bacon. And despite guys kissing that booth all day long, leaving their slobber and germs on the bacon, they kept coming.
The hot girl got offended by the attention the booth was getting, so she put on a bacon bikini.
She collected a fortune that way. And ran off with it.
Never hire hookers for charity fundraisers.
Nathan
When it comes to hot dogs, I’m a Chicago-style hot dog kind of guy.
New York-style is vile. Ketchup has no business being on a hot dog.
Furthermore, when you look past the toppings, New York hot dogs themselves are vastly inferior to the Chicago dogs.
Just look at Nathan’s Famous.
Their Coney Island location has held their hot dog eating contest every July Fourth, and contestants gobble up their bland hot dogs by the ton.
Flavorless mush in cheap casings and buns… just like the crap they serve every other day.
Not worth slowing down to taste the things.
The Master
I am the Dungeon Master.
I hide behind a screen and roll dice to determine your fate.
I have a module behind the screen which has a map and encounters in it.
I read a manual full of monsters that want to kill and eat you.
I can’t let you see any of these because you aren’t allowed to.
You are players. Not Dungeon Masters.
You’re supposed to go on adventures, not run adventures.
Stop trying to peek at my map. Make your own with your pencils and graph paper.
Your mom made Pizza Rolls?
Okay, maybe one little peek.
Spackle
I eat a lot of yogurt.
Mostly, I eat the light Yoplaits with the fruit flavors, but now and then I get plain vanilla.
That’s plain vanilla, not plain.
Plain vanilla tastes like vanilla, while plain tastes like spackle.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to start my day off with spackle.
Nor do I want it as a mid day snack.
If there was some Sam-I-Am character who was trying to get me to eat plain yogurt, i wouldn’t let him chase me all over the place.
I’d stab him through the heart with a spoon.
Unique
Whenever I travel, I always try to experience whatever there is that is unique to the place I am visiting.
Microbreweries offer up a taste that I can’t get back home, even if what comes out of their vats is too sweet, too bitter, too gritty, or too slimy.
I never eat at a chain restaurant either. Why get what I can get back at home?
So why am I eating salmon in Atlanta? There’s no oceans or salmon runs near Atlanta.
I read the menu: Atlantic salmon.
Atlanta. Atlantic.
Close enough, right?
Another glass of sweet tea, please?
Thanks.
The Tupperware Party
We’re holding a Tupperware Party at my house.
No, we’re not showcasing food containers.
We’re a political party. And we’re planning a revolution.
We hope to preserve the union, the constitution, and individual freedoms.
How will we do that? Simple, really.
By encasing everyone in plastic containers, of course. And by pushing down the lids to burp out any air.
We’ll start by sealing up all of the current political leaders in Washington. And capitals across the world.
Once peace breaks out, we can unseal them.
Make sure to label everything. Although creamed spinach is much more popular than Congress.
Kosher Maggots
Maimonides counted 613 commandments in the torah.
Number 185 prohibits people from eating non-kosher maggots.
Does this mean there are kosher maggots?
Nothing on the Internet.
So, I asked my rabbi, but he called me a noodnik and told me to leave.
Then I went to the grocery store to look for some.
The kid at the register thought I said “Faggots” and called the cops.
That’s when I looked up Maimonides.
He lived in the 12th Century.
Perhaps all the kosher maggots were eaten to the point of extinction.
Just like the kosher lobster and shrimp.
Stupid medieval bastards.
Chicken Legs
For many years, Baba Yaga’s hut walked around on a pair of gigantic chicken legs.
But a harsh winter forced her to cook and eat one of the legs.
Instead of walking around smoothly on two legs, the hut hopped and wobbled on its single leg. Everything inside the hut was knocked around, and anything fragile was smashed to bits.
The old witch was forced to cook and eat the other leg.
Since she couldn’t find any more chicken legs, she bought a Winnebago.
Not as terrifying-looking as a magical chicken leg hut, but you should see how she drives!
Feeding Time
I know that my pet python doesn’t love me.
It’s just a snake.
But it’s big and beautiful.
And I love it.
I used to feed it mice and rats, but the pet stores won’t let me buy them anymore.
And the medical testing breeders are so damn expensive.
The city shelter euthanizes so many puppies and kittens every year.
I made them a deal.
They paid me to take care of the dirty business, and I wouldn’t answer any questions.
Some of them wanted to watch.
I said no.
This isn’t a sideshow spectacle. It’s nature.
Show some respect.